an Aha moment
I go through this every January. Between it being a new year, it's also my birthday. I tend to think deeper thoughts about my well being in January.
I've been pondering that my body was given to me by God. All of it's bumps and curves and bulges. I've also been considering how I have not taken care of it very well over my lifetime. From puberty I have ignored it's needs and actively worked against it. I was encouraged in this by my family and, later, by my husband and his family. I have spent far too much time ignoring my body's needs and not caring for it at all.
I know that sugar is poison, especially with my diabetes, yet I still indulge in sugar. I know that exercise would help my body heal and become stronger yet I do not move the way I know would be good for me. Why? Why would I ignore what is best for my body? Why do I *hate* my body so much I would actively work against it's good?
I think I've absorbed the negative views others have had about me for years. I know I used fat as a protective device to keep men away from me ever since my step-uncle molested me. I know my husband worked to keep me fat and discouraged me from doing what was healthy for me. But... I am old enough, and have been away from him long enough, that it would make sense that I would be ready to change, right?
Sixty years of ingrained negatives is hard to overcome. Sixty years of eating to stuff feelings. Sixty years of using food for sensual satisfaction when there was no other available to me. This is going to be difficult to break. I am going to try. I know I'll falter and fail but I am going to try to get up and continue when that happens. Let's see if this lasts into February. I'm thinking the AA adage of "One day at a time" works here!
I've been pondering that my body was given to me by God. All of it's bumps and curves and bulges. I've also been considering how I have not taken care of it very well over my lifetime. From puberty I have ignored it's needs and actively worked against it. I was encouraged in this by my family and, later, by my husband and his family. I have spent far too much time ignoring my body's needs and not caring for it at all.
I know that sugar is poison, especially with my diabetes, yet I still indulge in sugar. I know that exercise would help my body heal and become stronger yet I do not move the way I know would be good for me. Why? Why would I ignore what is best for my body? Why do I *hate* my body so much I would actively work against it's good?
I think I've absorbed the negative views others have had about me for years. I know I used fat as a protective device to keep men away from me ever since my step-uncle molested me. I know my husband worked to keep me fat and discouraged me from doing what was healthy for me. But... I am old enough, and have been away from him long enough, that it would make sense that I would be ready to change, right?
Sixty years of ingrained negatives is hard to overcome. Sixty years of eating to stuff feelings. Sixty years of using food for sensual satisfaction when there was no other available to me. This is going to be difficult to break. I am going to try. I know I'll falter and fail but I am going to try to get up and continue when that happens. Let's see if this lasts into February. I'm thinking the AA adage of "One day at a time" works here!