Obsession... For Men.
Nothing like staring at this blank journal entry screen, huh? Usually it incites me to write something, but when I'm unsure how much to say about something, it's damn intimidating. It actually causes physical symptoms of anxiety in me.
yes, I think it's definately time to start the dead tree journal back up. It's just that all these years on LJ have made me think it's pointless to write something that nobody is going to be reading and giving me feedback on. I'm not sure why I feel that way. I guess I'm scared of letting myself go unchecked, cuz the way my mind goes, I can attach onto one tiny, simple thing, and obsess over it and my mind adds little fantasies onto it and so on until I'm not even sure what the actual event was anymore and I've gone totally nuts over it. I'm scared of letting myself do that, cuz it basically has a history of completely emotionally crushing me. I'm not sure how it would right now, but, for instance... Before I ever got a boyfriend, I would get these horrendous crushes/obsessions on people, and when I get a crush on someone I fly into over-analysis mode. I analyze every possible movement, interaction, and remark to see if there's any way it could possibly mean that they like me (apparently this is a big borderline trait, but who knew? heh...). And by being that way, I usually find something that I'm sure means they do and I end up convincing myself that they like me, only to have that illusion crash down around me when they make some contradictory remark or I find out they have a significant other or something along those lines. You know what I mean? It doesn't just happen with crushes, that's just the most obvious example of it that comes to mind. It also happens with everything that I try to do with my life, like going to school or trying to get a job or... basically anything that means anything to me.
And I'm finding I've let a lot more things mean something to me than I'd kind of intended. Which, I guess, is a sign of improvement, but damn, it's scary... This is probably what I'll talk to my therapist about on Wednesday.
I'm thinking too fast to write right now. So.. this is what I need help on... When I feel an emotion strongly, it's like I get stuck in it to the point of being angsty and non-functioning. All I can do is sit there and think/feel/want the same shit over and over and over again. I seem incapable of pushing it aside and concentrating on other things. I am stuck in that place now. So, when that emotion is a positive one and one you don't want to lose the capability of feeling fully, how do you temporarily put it on the back burner so that you can go on with your life and get the stuff you need to get done, done? Can anyone explain that in words? Or does anyone even understand what I'm talking about, because this is a borderline problem, but I figured it's one everyone could relate to, maybe... I don't really like to think that I feel emotions "stronger" than anyone else. If that was true than no matter what I did nobody would ever feel as strongly for me as I do for them and I don't even want to imagine living in a world like that. I'd rather delude myself than accept that one.
yes, I think it's definately time to start the dead tree journal back up. It's just that all these years on LJ have made me think it's pointless to write something that nobody is going to be reading and giving me feedback on. I'm not sure why I feel that way. I guess I'm scared of letting myself go unchecked, cuz the way my mind goes, I can attach onto one tiny, simple thing, and obsess over it and my mind adds little fantasies onto it and so on until I'm not even sure what the actual event was anymore and I've gone totally nuts over it. I'm scared of letting myself do that, cuz it basically has a history of completely emotionally crushing me. I'm not sure how it would right now, but, for instance... Before I ever got a boyfriend, I would get these horrendous crushes/obsessions on people, and when I get a crush on someone I fly into over-analysis mode. I analyze every possible movement, interaction, and remark to see if there's any way it could possibly mean that they like me (apparently this is a big borderline trait, but who knew? heh...). And by being that way, I usually find something that I'm sure means they do and I end up convincing myself that they like me, only to have that illusion crash down around me when they make some contradictory remark or I find out they have a significant other or something along those lines. You know what I mean? It doesn't just happen with crushes, that's just the most obvious example of it that comes to mind. It also happens with everything that I try to do with my life, like going to school or trying to get a job or... basically anything that means anything to me.
And I'm finding I've let a lot more things mean something to me than I'd kind of intended. Which, I guess, is a sign of improvement, but damn, it's scary... This is probably what I'll talk to my therapist about on Wednesday.
I'm thinking too fast to write right now. So.. this is what I need help on... When I feel an emotion strongly, it's like I get stuck in it to the point of being angsty and non-functioning. All I can do is sit there and think/feel/want the same shit over and over and over again. I seem incapable of pushing it aside and concentrating on other things. I am stuck in that place now. So, when that emotion is a positive one and one you don't want to lose the capability of feeling fully, how do you temporarily put it on the back burner so that you can go on with your life and get the stuff you need to get done, done? Can anyone explain that in words? Or does anyone even understand what I'm talking about, because this is a borderline problem, but I figured it's one everyone could relate to, maybe... I don't really like to think that I feel emotions "stronger" than anyone else. If that was true than no matter what I did nobody would ever feel as strongly for me as I do for them and I don't even want to imagine living in a world like that. I'd rather delude myself than accept that one.