(no subject)
Last week ended up being very crazy. I made it to the concert by myself and got to see my friend who is the drummer for a chat before the show. He was really sweet and said that he misses what we had for a time and felt like it was really magical, but he knew it couldn't last. It made me very sad that life has really moved on. He's with a new band, my friends have moved, and I've become to sick to go to most shows. But when I was driving home I realized I do love my little quiet life. I love being with B more and being able to have early morning coffee dates with him on our porch, watching the sun rise. My friend was so sweet and said, "You guys have been through some fucked up stuff! But you're still together! Hold onto that and celebrate it." We do as much as we can.
I went to see him play again the next night with a friend who had flown in from out of town to go with me. We ended up seeing another old friend before the show. It was like old home week. I told my friend when we got into the car that it reminded me of the line from Stand By Me, "I never had friends again like I did when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?" We were in our 30's, but it was that same feeling. I miss it often and wish it could have lasted just a bit longer, but the memories still lay in my heart.
I finally got to see Laura Jane Grace perform live as she is the lead singer of the band. She was statuesque and amazing. She's larger then life and has an amazing smile. But after the show my friend and I just left and didn't stay to try to say hello. I regretted it later, but in a way I think I just want her to live in my mind as the person I think she is, you know? I'd rather just love her from afar.
I also found out that Laura is separated from her wife and she said in an interview that her coming out was a weight on their relationship after all. It was like a kick to the gut for me, because I thought hey if they can make it, we can do this. Of course I had to find out when B was out of town and I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it. It just hurt my heart, because I am so scared that we're going to end up breaking up, because I'm transgender. And though I know my family won't leave me homeless I would still be utterly shattered if we don't end up together. But before I even found out I was really thinking about whether or not I want to go on HRT now. I am really worried about it fucking up my health, which is already so poor lately. I just don't want to risk my health for this. It's not worth it to me and for me the bottom line is it's my choice. I can say I choose to not go through with any of it after all and that is a valid choice. I have another therapy appointment next week, so I'll talk to my therapist and see what I decide.
But on the good side of things my teenage daughter left me a note on Facebook while I was out at my mental health support group. It was a note saying how much she loved me and was so proud of me for doing what I feel and not caring what others think of me. I'm not perfect, but damn am I blessed to be raising a damn fine human being. For the people that matter in my life I am just who I'm supposed to be and I love that.
I went to see him play again the next night with a friend who had flown in from out of town to go with me. We ended up seeing another old friend before the show. It was like old home week. I told my friend when we got into the car that it reminded me of the line from Stand By Me, "I never had friends again like I did when I was 12. Jesus, does anyone?" We were in our 30's, but it was that same feeling. I miss it often and wish it could have lasted just a bit longer, but the memories still lay in my heart.
I finally got to see Laura Jane Grace perform live as she is the lead singer of the band. She was statuesque and amazing. She's larger then life and has an amazing smile. But after the show my friend and I just left and didn't stay to try to say hello. I regretted it later, but in a way I think I just want her to live in my mind as the person I think she is, you know? I'd rather just love her from afar.
I also found out that Laura is separated from her wife and she said in an interview that her coming out was a weight on their relationship after all. It was like a kick to the gut for me, because I thought hey if they can make it, we can do this. Of course I had to find out when B was out of town and I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it. It just hurt my heart, because I am so scared that we're going to end up breaking up, because I'm transgender. And though I know my family won't leave me homeless I would still be utterly shattered if we don't end up together. But before I even found out I was really thinking about whether or not I want to go on HRT now. I am really worried about it fucking up my health, which is already so poor lately. I just don't want to risk my health for this. It's not worth it to me and for me the bottom line is it's my choice. I can say I choose to not go through with any of it after all and that is a valid choice. I have another therapy appointment next week, so I'll talk to my therapist and see what I decide.
But on the good side of things my teenage daughter left me a note on Facebook while I was out at my mental health support group. It was a note saying how much she loved me and was so proud of me for doing what I feel and not caring what others think of me. I'm not perfect, but damn am I blessed to be raising a damn fine human being. For the people that matter in my life I am just who I'm supposed to be and I love that.