(no subject)
My brain is deep in a full on anxiety manic freak out mode, so today has been full of suck. I spent all day trying to not loose my shit, which is always not fun. B was watching a lot of tv and I of course had to keep yelling at the tv, because people were annoying the heck out of me. Thankfully he's sort of use to me being manic now, so when I was crying and trying to explain how sick of all of this I was he was really nice and tried to be comforting.
I hate feeling so paranoid and out of control. Once B went to bed it was worse. I hate being alone at night when it's bad like this, so I kept crocheting to keep my hands and brain busy. The anxiety gets so bad that I have chest pains and feel like I could throw up, so anything to distract from it helps. I also finished up a sketch of an adorable girl with a little wee unicorn. I'm hoping to do a little painting of them tomorrow. I'm going to go attempt to sleep or at least lay down for a little bit. My jaw hurts from clenching it for hours and my face is so sore. I'm hoping laying down in a quiet dark room for a bit will get my body to relax. Thankfully I have medication I take at bedtime that helps put me to sleep. But last night I only slept for six hours and I'm sure that was thanks to the drugs even. Once I was awake my brain was going a million miles an hour again, so I just got up rather then trying to lay there driving myself crazy.
I hate that the kids have to see me like this, but I can't help it. I keep thinking at least they've grown up with it, so it's their version of normal. Ariel knows now that I'm mentally ill, but I haven't explained schizophrenia to her yet. I will eventually, but I'm hoping we'll get it more under control first. When I'm like this I don't feel like talking about it. It was hard just to do things like the dishes and put laundry in the washer today.
I hate feeling so paranoid and out of control. Once B went to bed it was worse. I hate being alone at night when it's bad like this, so I kept crocheting to keep my hands and brain busy. The anxiety gets so bad that I have chest pains and feel like I could throw up, so anything to distract from it helps. I also finished up a sketch of an adorable girl with a little wee unicorn. I'm hoping to do a little painting of them tomorrow. I'm going to go attempt to sleep or at least lay down for a little bit. My jaw hurts from clenching it for hours and my face is so sore. I'm hoping laying down in a quiet dark room for a bit will get my body to relax. Thankfully I have medication I take at bedtime that helps put me to sleep. But last night I only slept for six hours and I'm sure that was thanks to the drugs even. Once I was awake my brain was going a million miles an hour again, so I just got up rather then trying to lay there driving myself crazy.
I hate that the kids have to see me like this, but I can't help it. I keep thinking at least they've grown up with it, so it's their version of normal. Ariel knows now that I'm mentally ill, but I haven't explained schizophrenia to her yet. I will eventually, but I'm hoping we'll get it more under control first. When I'm like this I don't feel like talking about it. It was hard just to do things like the dishes and put laundry in the washer today.