(no subject)
Sure enough as I predicted my brother tried to kill himself today. My baby brother went over to his place and found him uncouncious laying on the ground in his garage. He thought he was dead, because he had no pulse. I'm now the only one in our family who hasn't found him without a pulse and gotten to do CPR, freak out, call for help, batshit asshatery stuff. I don't know if I would even know what to do if I did besides the obvious call 911. When help got there they did the usual shoot him up with drugs to counter act whatever he'd taken and got his heart going again. My mom said by the time she got there he was sitting up and alert, which is a good thing. The longer he is without oxygen the harder it is on his poor brain that has been through so much already. So afterwards they got a nice ride in the ambulance to the hospital and my mom said he was giving her the death glare the whole way there. He was so pissed off that she told the cops to put him in on a 5150 order so he can't hurt himself again. They were debating about it and my mom and I were like HELLO he would have finished off the job if he was left alone. I told my mom, "Seriously. This is not our first time at the circus." That made her laugh. We are season pass holders now and I swear my parents are the Mayors of Crazytown.
I feel like our whole family is coming apart at the seams. My poor mom who never complains told me that she is at her wits end, because all the stress is causing her to have a really bad Herpes flare up. Many moons ago she got Herpes from the man she was engaged too before she married my dad. It's become a monster lately and it's making her life hell. I encouraged her to call the doctor to see if there is a new drug they could try to help treat it. We talked on the phone a bit and cried some. I just feel so uncomfortable in my own house lately. I wish I could explain it, but my anxiety is just out of freaking control. Nothing seems to make it better. I promised if things don't get better to call my psychatrist to see if they can see me before the 19th, which is my next appointment.
B slept all day and then didn't say much at all when I told him about my brother. I know he gets upset about it and mad, but sometimes I wish he would give me a hug and just say it sucks or something instead of just silence. I always feel like I have to handle this stuff alone and I was wigging out earlier when I couldn't get a hold of my parents. I kept worrying they were going to show up to tell me my brother was dead. And B was just laying on the couch watching tv. I finally called him into the kitchen to ask him to call my dad's phone to see if he could get a hold of him. I just knew in my heart something was up.
I think what I hate most about all of this is that I use to be the stable kid. I fought so hard for years to hide how bad things were with me and now I just feel like I'm coming unglued sometimes and I can't stop it. I know it's not helping my poor parents. But I'm doing the best I can. Part of me feels like it was never going to be my turn to loose my shit completely. I always felt like I wasn't allowed to, because every one else was a mess. Eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. And sure enough my brother who supposedly cares about me hasn't spoken to me once about me being hospitalized or even asked what is going on with me. I feel really detached from him in a way. And I hate to admit it, but my first thought today was if he was dead what were we going to do with the house he's living in that my parents own. I feel like a jerk, but honestly I was just more worried about my parents well being. And I think a part of me just wants the circus of crazy to stop. Like when is it enough and we just institutalize him? I don't know really anymore. And I still feel really guilty, but I thought about the fact that maybe we could live in his house and sell our much older house. Sometimes I just get mad that he doesn't ever appreciate how easy he has it. He lives in a nice house with no mortgage and lots of food. He could never handle the shit I do. Part of me really wants to just yell at him, "You selfish motherfucker!" Most of all I just feel sorry for his daughter who has to grow up with two unstable parents and one that is never going to be any kind of real parent to her. He's a glorified playmate. *sigh*
I feel like our whole family is coming apart at the seams. My poor mom who never complains told me that she is at her wits end, because all the stress is causing her to have a really bad Herpes flare up. Many moons ago she got Herpes from the man she was engaged too before she married my dad. It's become a monster lately and it's making her life hell. I encouraged her to call the doctor to see if there is a new drug they could try to help treat it. We talked on the phone a bit and cried some. I just feel so uncomfortable in my own house lately. I wish I could explain it, but my anxiety is just out of freaking control. Nothing seems to make it better. I promised if things don't get better to call my psychatrist to see if they can see me before the 19th, which is my next appointment.
B slept all day and then didn't say much at all when I told him about my brother. I know he gets upset about it and mad, but sometimes I wish he would give me a hug and just say it sucks or something instead of just silence. I always feel like I have to handle this stuff alone and I was wigging out earlier when I couldn't get a hold of my parents. I kept worrying they were going to show up to tell me my brother was dead. And B was just laying on the couch watching tv. I finally called him into the kitchen to ask him to call my dad's phone to see if he could get a hold of him. I just knew in my heart something was up.
I think what I hate most about all of this is that I use to be the stable kid. I fought so hard for years to hide how bad things were with me and now I just feel like I'm coming unglued sometimes and I can't stop it. I know it's not helping my poor parents. But I'm doing the best I can. Part of me feels like it was never going to be my turn to loose my shit completely. I always felt like I wasn't allowed to, because every one else was a mess. Eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. And sure enough my brother who supposedly cares about me hasn't spoken to me once about me being hospitalized or even asked what is going on with me. I feel really detached from him in a way. And I hate to admit it, but my first thought today was if he was dead what were we going to do with the house he's living in that my parents own. I feel like a jerk, but honestly I was just more worried about my parents well being. And I think a part of me just wants the circus of crazy to stop. Like when is it enough and we just institutalize him? I don't know really anymore. And I still feel really guilty, but I thought about the fact that maybe we could live in his house and sell our much older house. Sometimes I just get mad that he doesn't ever appreciate how easy he has it. He lives in a nice house with no mortgage and lots of food. He could never handle the shit I do. Part of me really wants to just yell at him, "You selfish motherfucker!" Most of all I just feel sorry for his daughter who has to grow up with two unstable parents and one that is never going to be any kind of real parent to her. He's a glorified playmate. *sigh*