anniversary
so last wednesday was my anniversary. I wanted to make sure i didn't do something so that next year she'd be able to say, well you better make this one good since you messed up last year. since it was our 15th, i decided to get her 15 roses and leave them on her desk at work so she'd get them when she arrived at work. then just in case i had a chance to get lucky i reserved a room at a local hotel so we wouldn't have to deal with "kid" issues that night. I set up with gradma to stay over and get teh kids off to school in the morning. then i bought a couple other things that she had hinted at. the night before our anniversary she started complaining about her back hurting or something like that. so my mind starts wondering maybe she doesn't want to go out and stay at a hotel, should i just tell her. i went back and forth and decided i'll see how she feels in the morning. so in the morning she said she was feeling better but it still hurt and was worried that as the day wore on it would get worse, so i went ahead and told her that i had the room reserved and we had until 6 to cancel. she thought about it and said to go ahead and keep it, then we could have some privacy for "whatever" later. so the day went on, got home, settled the kids went out to dinner got back to the hotel. then the excuses started coming, oh man my back is hurting some, i ate way too much. i knew where this was leading so i didn't even broach the subject. she crawled into bed and said sorry tomorrow i'll be feeling better, i owe you. things i've heard way too much over the last 15 years, actually the same things i heard on our wedding night. man am i tired, been on my feet all day, tomorrow ok? the writign was on the wall from the beginning, but since she was a i really wanted to wait until i am married but it happened a few times before. I thought it was just because of that, but not really. that's how its been. being put off too many nights. our honeymoon consisted of only having sex 2 times in the week we were gone. she'll deny it but i know. and i'm pretty sure all 14, well now 15, anniversaries it has gone by without sex being involved. oh did tomorrow arrive this time, nope not this year either. i really wish i would have known now what i did then. i wish she could have been more up front that sex just isn't that important to her. then maybe i could have made a more informed decision on if she was really right for me. if you asked me now, i'd say no way, we don't share many interests in the same things. we don't really have many activities we do together. i didn't make a good choice. could it change? it could, do i think it will, nope. but i have 3 kids now and i'd rather live with this than be the weekend dad that they have to come over and visit and leave all their friends. i don't want to come home to a place each night and wish my kids were there to tuck in and say our prayers with. i'd rather pretend that i'm happy with her and have my kids. so that was my happy anniversary.