Loosing Faith
It's funny to think about all the pages upon pages I've written on here over the years... part of me wants to go back to the beginning, to that first post. I can only imagine how little has changed in what? 5-6 years? I spent so much time complaining then about Anna, and my loneliness in general. And here I am several years later still complaining.
I suppose in a way it's good. It means I still have a place where I can go and vent the feelings that I keep kept bottled up inside and try not to let out. As a therapist (as of next week) I know the benefits of journaling, venting, and writing thoughts that will/should never be expressed. Still... it's another 3AM entry when I have class in 6 hours. In a sense it's San Francisco all over again, minus the Teen Open Diary stalking for new patients.
I guess that's not a bad thing. I was never one who appreciated change, though I often find myself nuturing it in others. I'd be lying though if I said it wasn't getting to me. I've been talking with Paula alot more in the last couple months. I realized today that I can relate to her situation in a lot of ways. Her boyfriend serves up in Washington, and is set to deploy in September. She sees him roughly once a month or so. She is naturally worried about him deploying and as of this week has seriously been contemplating the idea of alloping (elloping?). In a sense it will clear up alot of both her and his fear about the stability of their relationship once he get's back.
Sadly, I can relate to that. The fear of your significant other leaving you before you see them again. The pain of only seeing them once in a very long while. The overwhelming desire to spend every moment you can get with them, not matter the cost. So much of what she's going through I have/am gone/going through. And yet Anna is infinitely closer, and at the same time infinitely further away.
I'm just getting tired of the distance, but more importantly, I'm getting tired of feeling alone in this not-relationship. I told Anna I wanted to take some vacation time up in San Fran over the summer. I really need/deserve to get away from Loma Linda for a while. I thought this weekend would be ideal. Her birthday is on Friday, and though I know she hates celebrating it, I really would love to spend the day with her, even if we treated it as any other day. In fact, I went so far as to tell her that it'd mean a lot to me to be there for her b-day. Naturally I was shot down... again. Brother and friends from Colorado will be in town, will have work, imagines her weekend will be chaotic and busy. I wish I could read into that and think "Aww, she wants our time together to be OUR time together". But I know better. I know HER better. They're convenient excuses, just like all the ones she had this school year.
I shouldn't blame her. I know how hard this not-relationship is on her. I mean you normally don't have your best friend chapperone you for the weekend to make sure you don't make any "mistakes" with you ex, right? I dunno, maybe I read too much into that as well. It's such a struggle for me. To sincerely tell her that I don't want to try and have an US again until we really can try again, and at the same time to feel as though I would give up everything to be with her. Given the former I can't blame her for not wanting me around, for trying to keep the temptation as far away as possible. Given the latter... I'm so tired of being alone. And that's how I'm really starting to feel. Completely and utterly alone.
Jameson has a new bf, who I met tonight. As a side note, it was really nice to just sit around and play board games with some friends. I wish I had more nights just hanging out with my friends, without feeling the need to go to a bar or a club (my least favorite places in the world). Anywho, they are a really good couple, as are Paula and her man. But spending time around them, even spending time listening to Paula talk about her fears and love for Daniel, makes me feel worse and worse about Anna and I. I mean, couples who love eachother want to spend time together, right? They want to connect with eachother, even if that's just on the phone. Paula talks to Daniel all the time on the phone. And while sometime it really seems a bit TOO much, I have to say that on the whole I'm secretly very jelious. I talked to Anna on the phone last sunday... what the 14th? She's really busy with work, and everything going on in her life. In fact, she called me that sunday to ask if I thought she was a horrible friend for not calling another of her friends who called her several times earlier in the day because he was having a crisis. She couldn't get back to him till much later, and by then he didn't want to talk. Naturally she blamed herself for not being there.
I tried to help ease her conscience, and even got her to laugh for a while. It made me feel really connected to her, because I could be there for her when she needed me. And even though it was after 10, she still felt like she could call me to lean on me. I haven't heard a word since. Now I admit that I know she really IS insanely busy, I can't help but feeling a little abandoned. I would never mention that to her, especially using those words, because I refuse to let her turn me (mentally) into just another burden. One more friend she feels like she SHOULD call, because if she doesn't she's a horrible friend. Still... I can't help but wish I felt as though she WANTED to call.
That's been the ting weighing heaviest on my mind of late. I really am starting to feel as though she doesn't really WANT to talk to me or spend time with me. Which isn't to say she doesn't want me in her life. I know for a fact that if we were ever to stop being friends it would really crush her. But as more then a friend, as someone she patentially still loves, I just feel as though she'd prefer it if I just stopped trying. If I could just quietly accept a fate as a friend and nothing more, and just let my love for her die without making a sound. I don't know that that isn't too far from the truth, after all, the girl tries to avoid any kind of emotional turmoil or awkwardness like the plague.
I just don't know anymore... For so long I've survived on blind faith. It's been about 2 and 1/2 years since she last told me she loved me. And in those two and 1/2 years I've just accepted the fact that MY love for her was strong enough. That it would sustain me until better times, when I was living in the same city and she and I could really try to make things work.
But now... I just feel as though I'm alone in that love. I'm hoping that when I decide to come up to San Fran that she'll make time to spend with me, even if it's only an afternoon. And I hope that we'll get some time alone to talk about "us". I don't need a commitment, I wish that we could work things out sooner, and I really am afraid that my window to make things work is quickly closing. But all I really want to know in the end is if she still loves me. I want to know that I have a reason for all this blind faith. That I have a reason to ignore all my friends who tell me to just forget about her and move on. I'm so tired of defending her against everyone that matters in my life.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm not truely alone. I still have my faith, and I still have my love for her, which will go on long after I'm dead and gone. But my faith is wavering. I'm so tired of fighting and never feeling any love in return. I'm losing my faith, and with it, I feel as though I'm loosing myself.
Maybe it's just a bad week for me... I hate school vacations, the isolation wreaks havoc on my psyche. I'm looking forward to getting in the clinic. It'll be nice to be a real therapist for a change (finally). And in roughly a month I'll be turning 25. A couple of friends from Elementary school are planning on visiting me, and I imagine if Jameson and Paula are around that they'll also want to at least go out to dinner... The last time I actually spent my birthday with someone else was... 4-5 years ago. Still, it's hard to think that for most of the last 9 years all I've wanted for my birthday was to spend a part of it with her...
Alright, I'm hopeless and it's 4am... hurray! another night with 4 hours of sleep and 9 hours of class, Weee! *Thud*
I suppose in a way it's good. It means I still have a place where I can go and vent the feelings that I keep kept bottled up inside and try not to let out. As a therapist (as of next week) I know the benefits of journaling, venting, and writing thoughts that will/should never be expressed. Still... it's another 3AM entry when I have class in 6 hours. In a sense it's San Francisco all over again, minus the Teen Open Diary stalking for new patients.
I guess that's not a bad thing. I was never one who appreciated change, though I often find myself nuturing it in others. I'd be lying though if I said it wasn't getting to me. I've been talking with Paula alot more in the last couple months. I realized today that I can relate to her situation in a lot of ways. Her boyfriend serves up in Washington, and is set to deploy in September. She sees him roughly once a month or so. She is naturally worried about him deploying and as of this week has seriously been contemplating the idea of alloping (elloping?). In a sense it will clear up alot of both her and his fear about the stability of their relationship once he get's back.
Sadly, I can relate to that. The fear of your significant other leaving you before you see them again. The pain of only seeing them once in a very long while. The overwhelming desire to spend every moment you can get with them, not matter the cost. So much of what she's going through I have/am gone/going through. And yet Anna is infinitely closer, and at the same time infinitely further away.
I'm just getting tired of the distance, but more importantly, I'm getting tired of feeling alone in this not-relationship. I told Anna I wanted to take some vacation time up in San Fran over the summer. I really need/deserve to get away from Loma Linda for a while. I thought this weekend would be ideal. Her birthday is on Friday, and though I know she hates celebrating it, I really would love to spend the day with her, even if we treated it as any other day. In fact, I went so far as to tell her that it'd mean a lot to me to be there for her b-day. Naturally I was shot down... again. Brother and friends from Colorado will be in town, will have work, imagines her weekend will be chaotic and busy. I wish I could read into that and think "Aww, she wants our time together to be OUR time together". But I know better. I know HER better. They're convenient excuses, just like all the ones she had this school year.
I shouldn't blame her. I know how hard this not-relationship is on her. I mean you normally don't have your best friend chapperone you for the weekend to make sure you don't make any "mistakes" with you ex, right? I dunno, maybe I read too much into that as well. It's such a struggle for me. To sincerely tell her that I don't want to try and have an US again until we really can try again, and at the same time to feel as though I would give up everything to be with her. Given the former I can't blame her for not wanting me around, for trying to keep the temptation as far away as possible. Given the latter... I'm so tired of being alone. And that's how I'm really starting to feel. Completely and utterly alone.
Jameson has a new bf, who I met tonight. As a side note, it was really nice to just sit around and play board games with some friends. I wish I had more nights just hanging out with my friends, without feeling the need to go to a bar or a club (my least favorite places in the world). Anywho, they are a really good couple, as are Paula and her man. But spending time around them, even spending time listening to Paula talk about her fears and love for Daniel, makes me feel worse and worse about Anna and I. I mean, couples who love eachother want to spend time together, right? They want to connect with eachother, even if that's just on the phone. Paula talks to Daniel all the time on the phone. And while sometime it really seems a bit TOO much, I have to say that on the whole I'm secretly very jelious. I talked to Anna on the phone last sunday... what the 14th? She's really busy with work, and everything going on in her life. In fact, she called me that sunday to ask if I thought she was a horrible friend for not calling another of her friends who called her several times earlier in the day because he was having a crisis. She couldn't get back to him till much later, and by then he didn't want to talk. Naturally she blamed herself for not being there.
I tried to help ease her conscience, and even got her to laugh for a while. It made me feel really connected to her, because I could be there for her when she needed me. And even though it was after 10, she still felt like she could call me to lean on me. I haven't heard a word since. Now I admit that I know she really IS insanely busy, I can't help but feeling a little abandoned. I would never mention that to her, especially using those words, because I refuse to let her turn me (mentally) into just another burden. One more friend she feels like she SHOULD call, because if she doesn't she's a horrible friend. Still... I can't help but wish I felt as though she WANTED to call.
That's been the ting weighing heaviest on my mind of late. I really am starting to feel as though she doesn't really WANT to talk to me or spend time with me. Which isn't to say she doesn't want me in her life. I know for a fact that if we were ever to stop being friends it would really crush her. But as more then a friend, as someone she patentially still loves, I just feel as though she'd prefer it if I just stopped trying. If I could just quietly accept a fate as a friend and nothing more, and just let my love for her die without making a sound. I don't know that that isn't too far from the truth, after all, the girl tries to avoid any kind of emotional turmoil or awkwardness like the plague.
I just don't know anymore... For so long I've survived on blind faith. It's been about 2 and 1/2 years since she last told me she loved me. And in those two and 1/2 years I've just accepted the fact that MY love for her was strong enough. That it would sustain me until better times, when I was living in the same city and she and I could really try to make things work.
But now... I just feel as though I'm alone in that love. I'm hoping that when I decide to come up to San Fran that she'll make time to spend with me, even if it's only an afternoon. And I hope that we'll get some time alone to talk about "us". I don't need a commitment, I wish that we could work things out sooner, and I really am afraid that my window to make things work is quickly closing. But all I really want to know in the end is if she still loves me. I want to know that I have a reason for all this blind faith. That I have a reason to ignore all my friends who tell me to just forget about her and move on. I'm so tired of defending her against everyone that matters in my life.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm not truely alone. I still have my faith, and I still have my love for her, which will go on long after I'm dead and gone. But my faith is wavering. I'm so tired of fighting and never feeling any love in return. I'm losing my faith, and with it, I feel as though I'm loosing myself.
Maybe it's just a bad week for me... I hate school vacations, the isolation wreaks havoc on my psyche. I'm looking forward to getting in the clinic. It'll be nice to be a real therapist for a change (finally). And in roughly a month I'll be turning 25. A couple of friends from Elementary school are planning on visiting me, and I imagine if Jameson and Paula are around that they'll also want to at least go out to dinner... The last time I actually spent my birthday with someone else was... 4-5 years ago. Still, it's hard to think that for most of the last 9 years all I've wanted for my birthday was to spend a part of it with her...
Alright, I'm hopeless and it's 4am... hurray! another night with 4 hours of sleep and 9 hours of class, Weee! *Thud*