Everything is gross
I'm doing worse today than I have been since I got out of the hospital. Vertigo, nausea, lethargy. And something going on with my uvula, which might explain the nausea. I've taken the zofran and I'm going to back to bed but I figure I may as well complain here like the good old days before I do.
I haven't been able to pick up Iliana from school and I've had to cancel all my appointments this week. I know that sounds like total duh but that doesn't necessarily translate to acceptance. I feel like a real jerk for making friends take care of my kid, even though all of the friends who have come through are ones I've had very purposeful discussions with about creating our village. These are all "my" mom friends and not Ian's for example, which means that I have done the work to nurture relationships with people I can trust with my kid, but I still feel uncomfortable calling in those favors. I suppose it just takes practice, though, and I better get used to it since I have this ridiculous medical condition completely unrelated to my gallbladder surgery. I'm going to need a proper village, etc etc. Ugh I hate that I can't shake the concept of self-reliance as some kind of virtue, despite everything I know and believe about the strength of interconnectedness.
I also can't shake the feeling of failure for needing to cancel my appointments. I'm supposed to be responsible, keep my appointments, show up on time (and early is on time; on time is late). I'm not supposed to waste the class' time, or my therapist's time, or my physical therapist's time. Nevermind that I go to therapy and physical therapy for my sake not theirs. I should be upset that I'm missing these appointments vital to my care regimen, and of course I do feel that way. But even more I'm afraid that I've made my therapists angry (which...I know I haven't, of course). I'm ashamed of being a bad girl. Thanks, Mom. And Catholic Church. And thank you, thank you, horrible brain monsters.
Not being able to be physically active is such a culprit in all of this brain garbage. Having that tumor on my sciatic impacted my state of mind in ways I wasn't able to deal with until after its removal. Over the past year and a half I've worked really hard to regain my mobility, and since the tumor's been removed I've been doing great. At my one year post-op, my neurosurgeon said my leg looked so well he had to double check to make sure they had imaged the correct leg. I was really proud of that. I was being a good girl! I mean, the treatment for this condition is physical activity to make sure that the muscles don't atrophy (like my right glute did, ouch). Physical activity and floating in warm water are the only two things that reduce the pain of my condition, but I can't do either of these things right now because of my surgery. I know it's temporary, but I'm dealing with this now and it feels absolutely terrible.
All I want to do is practice my hula (I'll tell you all about hula later!) and use my float tank membership (I'll tell you about that too!). All I want to do is fast forward through this surgery recovery and go back to managing my long-term, incurable, chronic pain, maybe paralysis, genetic condition. I'm terrible at being this kind of patient. I can't wait to get back to being the other kind, where I can feel like a good girl; where I can do something, and where I'm not stuck in bed watching shitty teevee for the rest of my life like my father.
I really needed therapy today. But surgery recovery made me barfjournal instead. Fabulous.
I haven't been able to pick up Iliana from school and I've had to cancel all my appointments this week. I know that sounds like total duh but that doesn't necessarily translate to acceptance. I feel like a real jerk for making friends take care of my kid, even though all of the friends who have come through are ones I've had very purposeful discussions with about creating our village. These are all "my" mom friends and not Ian's for example, which means that I have done the work to nurture relationships with people I can trust with my kid, but I still feel uncomfortable calling in those favors. I suppose it just takes practice, though, and I better get used to it since I have this ridiculous medical condition completely unrelated to my gallbladder surgery. I'm going to need a proper village, etc etc. Ugh I hate that I can't shake the concept of self-reliance as some kind of virtue, despite everything I know and believe about the strength of interconnectedness.
I also can't shake the feeling of failure for needing to cancel my appointments. I'm supposed to be responsible, keep my appointments, show up on time (and early is on time; on time is late). I'm not supposed to waste the class' time, or my therapist's time, or my physical therapist's time. Nevermind that I go to therapy and physical therapy for my sake not theirs. I should be upset that I'm missing these appointments vital to my care regimen, and of course I do feel that way. But even more I'm afraid that I've made my therapists angry (which...I know I haven't, of course). I'm ashamed of being a bad girl. Thanks, Mom. And Catholic Church. And thank you, thank you, horrible brain monsters.
Not being able to be physically active is such a culprit in all of this brain garbage. Having that tumor on my sciatic impacted my state of mind in ways I wasn't able to deal with until after its removal. Over the past year and a half I've worked really hard to regain my mobility, and since the tumor's been removed I've been doing great. At my one year post-op, my neurosurgeon said my leg looked so well he had to double check to make sure they had imaged the correct leg. I was really proud of that. I was being a good girl! I mean, the treatment for this condition is physical activity to make sure that the muscles don't atrophy (like my right glute did, ouch). Physical activity and floating in warm water are the only two things that reduce the pain of my condition, but I can't do either of these things right now because of my surgery. I know it's temporary, but I'm dealing with this now and it feels absolutely terrible.
All I want to do is practice my hula (I'll tell you all about hula later!) and use my float tank membership (I'll tell you about that too!). All I want to do is fast forward through this surgery recovery and go back to managing my long-term, incurable, chronic pain, maybe paralysis, genetic condition. I'm terrible at being this kind of patient. I can't wait to get back to being the other kind, where I can feel like a good girl; where I can do something, and where I'm not stuck in bed watching shitty teevee for the rest of my life like my father.
I really needed therapy today. But surgery recovery made me barfjournal instead. Fabulous.