& what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally...
i lost my best friend...again...
we'll call him bob.
bob & i knew each other since high school. we weren't in the same group of friends, but i was never one to judge any one individual, so i hung out with many different "cliques" whenever possible, so we were friendly towards each other. no hostility. always fun times.
fast forward 2 years since high school. i'm 20 years old & start working for webster bank. bob & i just happened to get hired at the SAME time & were in each other's teller training classes where we reestablished our friendship & really hit it off. since then, we were inseparable. we talk every day by email, text, phone, whatever. we just were great friends. it worked out even better because he's gay, which didn't really pose any kind of threat to rick at all. hahaha. we just always had a greaaaat time. i mean, we toked a lot...but, that's just what my group of friends *does*. i don't know how to describe it any other way than that, but it makes me sound like a total pothead. we enjoy smokin' the cheeba. for me, my anxiety is more at bay...and don't even say i'm self-medicating because that's not the truth either.
anyway, the point is not my habits, but my friendship with bob. up until last month, bob was a single fella, so we really just hung out a lot!! i mean, whether he was at my house or i was at his, his mom was like my mom and he & rick became close as well. we invited him to be a groomsman at the wedding on rick's side. last month, bob started seeing frank (or so we'll call him).
frank works w/us as well, but in a different market. now, bob & i don't work at the same office. we used to work in the same market, but he got a promotion & now works more upstate. frank works midstate. anywho, frank and bob hit it off & were a very cute couple, but bob started getting jealous...of frank's best female friend...and of ME & the possibility that i might be friends with frank as well. bob had an incident happen in high school where his friends ditched him for his boyfriend, who actually ended up hooking up with one of bob's FEMALE friends. so there's a complex there that i'm aware of and want to try to help him figure out and be comfortable with.
at first, it's all frank's best friend...that their relationship makes bob feel uncomfortable. so, frank & bob talk & bob decides he can handle their relationship and friendship & that frank would be beside bob to help him out (just as i had said as well). so, rick & i are invited over frank's house to play catch phrase with him, frank's roommate, and another coworker from webster. they are ALL GAY MEN, let me put that out there because it will make the rest of the story a little more concrete in placing the situation.
so, frank and bob are full-on dating at this point. they are boyfriends. this was the FIRST time i'd ever gone to frank's house and met anyone from HIS circle of friends. meanwhile, earlier this week, i was accused of being "too flirty" with frank and that a "real friend" wouldn't do that sort of thing. okaaaaay...i'm engaged to a man, i'm hetero, and would never DO THAT to another friend.
we're all having a blast, drinking & playing catch phrase when bob decides to get up and leave. like, actually leave. now, he's a jokester, so we really all thought he was just going to get a garcia y vega from his car to roll somethin' up to smoke. soooo...no one thinks anything of it. plus, he's the most sarcastic joker you don't even know whether he's being truthful or not. he txts me and frank & says, "i'm going home." we both run outside & his car is gone. now, he's drunk. and we know this. so i'm freakin' out. i call him. he tells me he can't be in a relationship right now. and then rails into me about how i'm not a good friend & i never was & he never told me because he was just "too high" to say anything about it. that hanging with me and my friends makes him uncomfortable and awkward. that he was hanging out with 2 other chicks from work and they were "better friends than (i) had ever been" to him. when i tried to ask any questions, i was walled out. i mean, i couldn't get any kind of reason that separated the way *I* act vs the way THEY act. he wouldn't tell me. he hung up on me. i hung up on him. and then rick txts him & he says he's coming back.
after we've officially embarrassed ourselves in front of people we don't know...
i ran inside, gathered our alcoholic beverages, apologized profusely to the company in the room because it was truly a great night up until that point. then...i left. rick was in bob's car talking. i had no car keys & i sat on the pavement beside my car (which i had managed to have an accident in on wed. it's been a great week.) & waited for a little before i texted rick that i was sitting outside w/out keys to the car, ready to go or ready to talk.
so, bob & i talk. first i refused. because i'm not one to have that kind of serious conversation under any influence. so, we actually had a good long talk about everything, but he kept going in circles...returning to the same reasoning. and not seeing where i was coming from and how i was willing to do what i had to in order to salvage our friendship and put it back together. if it was a matter of not speaking to frank or being around them, then ok...despite how stupid it seemed to me, i didn't care. i wanted HIM to be okay...and for us to stay as close as we'd been, despite the hurtful things he said to me. and they stung.
i ended our car talk by asking if he wanted me to call or talk to him tomorrow about this....to have the overnight to think it thru. and we both did. so i sent frank down so they could talk & i left. i don't know how things ended or didn't end with him & frank.
yesterday, the friendship ended. i took frank's number from his roommate at the end of the night...just in case something was going to happen to bob or something & contact needed to happen, at least i'd have it, godforbid. so bob told me via txt yesterday "don't call him or that's it." don't call him?! okay, fine. i didn't before. but at this point, i was pretty upset that someone was telling me who i could and couldn't associate or speak to. no one has that right. no one. and when i questioned it, he plainly answered, "since he was my boyfriend & you WERE my best friend. it's done. goodbye."
so, all because he was not willing to see that i was not there to sabotage his relationship.
all because he had to be "right" about his assumption that "this always happens to him."
all because he had an insane amount of jealousy & flipped on a crazy switch i had NEVER EVER seen in him before.
all because.. he really wasn't a friend to begin with.
...but that ruins me. because i gave him the best moments of me. we shared plenty of funny stories. had some awesomely fun times. done some stupid shit. and been there for one another when things weren't fine. and we knew they weren't fine because we could read one another's nuances.
so i'm out a groomsman. a coworker. a resource. an ear. a laugh. a friend. of the best kind.
right now, i'm very down about it...incredibly saddened because...i feel like every friend i've ever known, aside from those choice few (& you know who you are. :o) jg), have dropped me or i've had to drop them because of something so petty and caddy. i'm starting to think it's me...