Watching You, Watching Me, Chapter 6 - Endless Dream
Sleep was managing to elude Alice this night.
The fact that she would be leaving London on the Wonder tomorrow morning might have something to do with it. Traveling to new places was enough to make anyone nervous and excited.
Of course, Benton's reaction when she told him that she would not marry him might also be contributing to her sleeplessness. So many expressions had seemed to pass behind his eyes when she finally explained things to him the day before. Well, mostly explained. She didn't exactly tell him that she was not going to marry him because she preferred an imaginary watcher who lived in her mirror. That would have gotten her sent directly to the asylum. Instead she explained that she was going to be gone for a year or more and while she cared for him, she didn't want him to wait for the return of a woman who didn't love him.
The sadness, loss, and even anger she expected and she had steeled herself for those. The look of fury and betrayal that had finally settled in his eyes was the one she hadn't been expected. There had been a moment when she swore that she had seen that look before on Benton but not on Benton. He'd raised his hand and for an instant Alice had been positive he was going to strike her. She was too stunned to even flinch and instead just stared at him. After a moment his temper had cooled and instead he had laid his hand gently on her cheek.
"Are you sure about this, Alice?"
How could she tell him that she had never been more sure of a choice? She bit her tongue to stop the Mad words from escaping and nodded. She managed to wish him well and hurry away before his expression could cause her more pain. As she hurried out the door of his estate she could have sworn she heard him mutter something.
"I never thought I’d truly love you, Alice."
Alice rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling, pondering those words again. It was quite likely she had misheard him or perhaps he had been as lost in thought as she was now. She sighed and tried to put it out of mind. For now, she had to sleep or she'd look something frightful in the morning when they left port. Reaching for an extra pillow, Alice's eyes drifted to the corner of the room where her mirror normally stood. At this moment it was already installed in her cabin on The Wonder but for a moment she wished it was still here, so that she might be able to distract herself until sleep came. She wrapped her arms around the pillow instead and closed her eyes.
Though it was much later, Sleep finally arrived carry Alice to the place between dreams and waking.
*****
Alice found herself standing in the middle of a grey plain. The monotony of the color seemed to stretch endlessly to all sides of her. The grey above her head and below her feet only served to make her feel as though she was floating in a sea of such drabness. The sound of a gasp startled her and she spun to see who was sharing this strange dream? hallucination? with her. As soon as her eyes settled on her companion she froze.
It was her.
Or rather, it seemed to be. Alice recognized the nightshirt she had pulled on before climbing into bed that evening. The only thing that seemed to be out of place was the look of utter confusion and some fear on her face. For a moment she wondered if she was looking at a reflection of herself and raised one hand to see if her double did the same. As she did so she let out a gasp of her own. The hand that she raised was most certainly not her own. Quickly she lifted the other and then studied them. They were pale, almost white with scar, cuts, bandages and orange and pink stains covering them. On one finger she noticed a shiny silver thimble and in the back of her mind, something tickled trying to get her attention.
By now, she knew that she must have a similar expression of confusion on her face, though if these weren't her hands then this couldn't be her face. Alice wondered whose face and hands she was wearing, and if that person was currently the one staring at her from her own brown eyes.
The double took a step forward and she heard a familiar voice that was most definitely not her own speak from her face. The effect was most disconcerting until she realized that the voice, a man's voice, had spoken her name.
"Alice?"
She knew that voice. She knew it! Yet the memory of where wouldn't break free. She took a step forward, realizing that this body she was wearing was much taller and lankier than her own petite form. It was strange to realize she had to think about actually moving each limb precisely. As she stepped forward slowly, the Alice who was not her also stepped forward. Finally Alice spoke and was relieved to hear her own voice speaking her words.
"Yes...but why are you me? And for that matter who are you?"
She saw the not-Alice's face relax a bit. A small hand, her own hand, reached out to take one of her not-hands and held it for a moment. "You're me. I don't know why, my Alice. But you are here." Alice found it very odd to be looking down into her own face, still not knowing what face she currently wore at the moment. The not-Alice smiled at her. "Do ye remember yet, laddie? Do ye remember me?"
The brogue in his voice that shone through in those words sparked a recent memory. "You've been watching me!" she exclaimed, pulling back slightly. As soon as the words left her mouth it struck her why the hands that she currently wore looked familiar as well. She must be wearing his image if he was wearing hers. But why? Alice still had never seen her watcher clearly and long ago had decided that her imagination wanted it that way.
But if it had all been her imagination, why was it giving her this dream?
She shook her head slightly and felt a weight on it that was unfamiliar. She reached up and felt the brim of a hat. Curious, she removed it and examined it while her watcher smiled at her. The top hat looked as if it had been made with extreme care but it showed signs of extensive wear. Several hatpins stuck up from the brim and she touched them gently. Alice felt as though she had held this hat before and was familiar with it but the memory would not surface and she frowned. “I know this hat,” she said quietly, feeling her frustration grow.
Small hands reached out to take the top hat from her grasp and Alice froze in place as her not-so-imaginary watcher stood on tiptoe to place it back on her head. “There,” he said. “All better.” As she looked into her own face that held a smile that wasn’t quite her, Alice felt those words resonate in her. The feeling of déjà vu was building with every movement and spoken word. She opened her mouth to speak but her watcher placed a finger over her lips to stop her. “Don’t speak, Alice,” he said softly, the brogue now gone and replaced with a slight lisp. “Just remember.”
Alice felt her forehead crease with irritation her watcher laughed. “Even wearing my face,” he said, “that look is so very you…so full of your muchness.” Her watcher then leaned closer, reaching up to put both hands on either side of her current face. “Once again, you’re too tall, my Alice.” The voice was soft, but his words beat against her memories. She could only watch as her watcher stretched up once more and pressed a kiss to her lips. The sensation of kissing her own lips was an unusual one but quickly dismissed as she felt something inside her chest warm.
Until this one moment, she hadn’t been aware of how much she’d truly wanted her watcher to be someone real. Alice knew without a doubt that she loved this stranger who was familiar and wore her face in this dream. For all that she had cared for Benton, he had never caused this particular feeling in her.
They stayed that way for a long moment, pressed against each other until Alice finally pulled away. She smiled, but knew it was not a happy expression. “I’ll wake up from this dream soon. And you’ll be gone again,” she said.
Her watcher took her hand and held it tightly. “Yes, you will wake. And you’ll return to your world.” He paused and then continued in a voice that seemed to gain speed with every word. “One day you’ll remember me. You’ll remember everything and you’ll get to choose and I hope, oh I hope that you’ll choose-“
This time Alice was the one to stop him with a finger over his lips. “Shhh…”
“Choose…hope…” He trailed off and looked almost lost for a moment. “I’m fine.”
She looked at him, studying her own eyes and seeing the familiar stranger looking at her from behind them. “What will I remember?”
He shook his (her?) head. “I can’t tell ye, my Alice. Ye have te remember on yer own.” She noticed his voice was lower now, the brogue having returned. “When ye do, then I’ll be back fer ye.”
Creasing her forehead in confusion once more she realized that his grip on her hand was not as tight. She glanced down and saw that her hand that he wore seemed to be fading, turning into mist. As she looked back at her watcher’s borrowed face, she knew she had seen such a thing before, not that long ago. “No!” Alice tried to reach for her watcher but found her hand only passed through her own form. “Please, tell me!”
She saw only his smile, her own lips shaped in a sad smile, as he continued to fade into mist and smoke. “Soon, laddie.” As he disappeared and the mist swirled around her, turning everything a darker shade of grey she heard his voice once more.
“Fairfarren…”
*****
Alice awoke with a start, nearly leaping out of her bed. Her mother managed to back away quickly enough to avoid being knocked over by Alice’s sudden movements.
“Alice, dear? What’s wrong?”
She looked around and glanced down at her hands, noticing they were the same hands she’d been wearing for all her life. Finally she looked at her mother, memories of the dream falling away like leaves. “Nothing, Mother. Just…” Alice paused and looked at the corner where her mirror had stood until recently. “Just a very odd dream.”
Her mother smiled and patted Alice’s hand. “That’s not so unusual for you.” Alice couldn’t help but smile back at that. Her mother then leaned closer and hugged her tightly. “It’s time for you to get dressed or you’ll miss your voyage.”
Alice held onto her mother for a moment. “Thank you for everything,” her voice was quiet, the words barely spoken.
“You’re welcome, Alice.” Pulling back, Helen smoothed Alice’s tousled hair. “Now, out of bed with you!”
Alice found that as she rose and dressed she felt as though she was seeing her room, her mother and her things for the last time. She shook her head, trying to get rid of those thoughts. “You’re coming back, Alice,” she told herself, pulling on her boots. And yet, she felt as though something inside her was vibrating, trying to escape.
The ship’s departure time came so swiftly that Alice wondered if Time hadn’t shifted things about and then smiled at the thought of Time as a man, perhaps playing at game with the hours and minutes. Once at the dock she hugged her mother and sister once more and then was surprised as Benton stepped out of the small crowd. He reached for her hand and though she was wary, she allowed him to place a kiss on the back of it.
“You’ve always been just out of reach, Alice.” He smiled at her, though she could see that he was still unhappy with her choice.
She was confused by his choice of words but had no time to question him as the crewmen called to her to board quickly. Alice suddenly reached out and hugged him, wrapping her arms around the tall, slim form that she had come to know rather intimately. “I’m sorry, Benton.” Alice then pulled away and smiled back at him before hurrying up the gangway to the ship. Once aboard the crew began to cast off, and she turned to wave at her family and Benton. Slowly the Wonder pulled away from the dock and Alice move to stand at the bow of the ship, relishing the feeling of freedom that came with the wind against her face. As she stood there a small flash of bright blue caught her eye and she saw the bluest butterfly fly up and land on her shoulder. Alice turned her head to stare at it and felt a sudden rush as though a dam had burst in her mind. Images, voices, memories! came in a flood.
“Who are you?”
“I make the path!”
“I like…largeness…’
“Off with her head!”
“You cannot live your life to please others.”
“I’ll take you to the Hare and the Hatter…”
“You’re late for tea!”
“Fairfarren…”
Alice almost staggered against the intensity of the memories, against the knowledge of her watcher being Tarrant, of Benton being Stayne. It was all there and she had forgotten somehow! The butterfly flapped its wings on her shoulder and she knew suddenly what Tarrant had meant in her dream. That only once she remembered would she be able to make the choice to stay here in her world or return to Underland.
And she had no doubt what her choice would be.
Happiness filled her, pushing all else to the side to be dealt with later and she smiled at her friend, still perched on her shoulder.
“Hello, Absolem.”