pondering the dance
Courage. I guess I always thought it would feel different. Stronger. Less aware of pain.
But here I am, feeling so weak. And acutely aware of the sharp intakes of breath meant to help me stay upright. How do I move with the flow when I'm still so sucked dry by pain? Will it ever go away? Will I have to move with it? How does one make pain a dance partner without being stiff and tense, waiting for the surges that bring you to your knees? Is dancing with pain like a waltz, or is it more like a mosh pit?
I wonder if anyone else ever thinks about stuff like this.
Last week she nailed me over anger. This week she nailed me over destiny.
I think anger might have been easier.
I'm not used to being seen. Not like THAT. I'm used to folks thinking that people like me don't really exist, so therefore I'm some nutcase fluke. I'm not used to someone saying, yeah, I not only see you, but let me tell you a few things...
And then..."If you go through life and you find two people who really get you, really understand who you are and how you are wired, you are doing great. And don't be surprised if it's NOT your husband."
And as the words came out of her mouth, I knew how true they were. Much of who I am will always remain private from most of the people who surround me. I'm learning to pull in tighter. Not because I wish to withhold, and not because I am afraid, but mostly because I am so outside the norm that it's disturbing and distressing to those who get a good dose of the live-and-unplugged me. And I guess that's ok, though I do hope the Lord is gracious to give me the tiny handful who are trustworthy. If I could have an inner circle that might not fully understand but does fully accept, that would be good. And if there were just one or two who really got it...that would be icing.
My husband isn't likely to be one of the ones who gets it. He tries to. That counts for something. But if he ends up in the category of "does not fully understand but fully accepts", then that will be good. I've battled years of "doesn't understand and doesn't accept, either" and that for sure stunk. Now he's somewhere in between, but seems to be getting much closer to the first category.
Destiny. Who I am and what I was made for. When I think about it, that is what got me into this mess. I was tripping along, totally unaware that I had incited war against myself simply by living and breathing and doing the things God told me to do. And then once I crashed, the thing I felt I had lost was that part of me entangled with destiny. Not only lost it, but had nothing left to fight for it. Ready to lay down and die. I am pretty awed by how the Lord got me out of that horrible place. In retrospect I'm pretty amazed that I survived it.
Now to do more than survive...