Less like dying, more like transcending
I am pretty sure that while JE was quick to point out that life is war, he failed to mention that it's driven by snipers and terrorists.
It came after me today, full throttle. Same exact attack that snapped me into full meltdown in December. While I'm not in full meltdown by any means, I feel the suffocating weight of it pressing on me. I feel the sharp pain of that wound being hit again before it was healed.
The same questions...the same accusations...
I don't get it. Why is it that when people close to me have the chance to protect me or expose me and leave me stranded to fight on my own, they so often choose to sell me out? This attack didn't have to happen. The person it came through could have been a shield. Instead, that person chose to be an open door. And it's not like they didn't know what it cost the last time.
I don't feel well. Physically, that is. Over the past few hours my throat has started hurting, my head is getting stuffy, and I'm feeling achy and sluggish. My skin is starting to feel painfully sensitive, which is usually the precursor to a fever. This is no common cold trying to come on and I hope my body fights it off fast. I don't often get sick like this. But my body is worn down from the battle it's been dragged through over the past months. While the high stress symptoms of headaches, digestive disturbances, etc, have dissipated, my immune system may not have fully recovered yet.
I think about what LS said...the part about my heart not being scary, but comforting. That's an odd concept. I am not big on mercy gifts. I'm not totally without them, but the sweet, nurturing kind of stuff? Not my strong suit, though I can do it. The idea that there is anything comforting in this mess tweaks my brain. I feel like such a freak show. A public one at that.
And I think about the other thing LS said...that this feels so much like not death, but rebirth. Funny, one of the words that keeps being spoken over me is "transition". Definitely a labor word. And while this all started in undeniable death throes, it has indeed now become something different. And yet...death has been here. It's left its mark. Things are not quite the same anymore. And somehow, that's becoming more and more ok.