You don't have to read this I don't know how to make it a smaller link
So it has been how long since I wrote in this thing? Well it doesn't really matter. It has been kind of a shitty year so far. My Godmother died in January Anne Teresa Abdella Felthum. She was my name sake. She died in a snowmobile accident up in Perry NY. And then in the beginning of June my grandfather passed away Donald James Saleh. He was 85 and had a about 3 different things that did him in. Technically he died of kidney failure but that is just was finally ended it.
I am writing in here just to try and make it a little more real. I have a tendency to ignore my emotions until I find some way to distract myself. It has happened before. It is nothing serious I just kind of start to feel...slow I guess. I have to give myself an extra pep talk in the morning to get myself going and then find things that I can get excited about to give myself energy. Good thing I really like my jobs otherwise I have a feeling I would be absent a lot.
It was harder with Aunt Teresa. It was so sudden. I got a call at 10:30 p.m. from my cousin Lisa(her daughter) asking if I could come over and watch her two daughters because there was an accident. They were bringing her into ECMC to the trauma unit because there isn't one that was any closer to Perry. She didn't give me details, I don't even know if she knew any yet.
So I drove over to her house which is about 15 min from UB with my boyfriend Tom and we stayed there all night. By the time we got there Gerry(Lisa's husband) gave us the details. Her snowmobile went into a ditch with water in it. She was pinned down by her sled and couldn't get out. They don't know if she drowned or the shock of the sled hitting her stopped her heart. They estimate that her heart was not beating for up to 30 or 40 min. The only reason she had any even brainstem function is because the water was so cold.
Right from the start the doctors were telling us there was very little hope, and that if there was no improvement in the next 12 to 24 hours there wouldn't be. We all sat in that hospital for about five days(at any given time there were about 20 of us. It still amazes me how resilient my mother’s family is. Their ability to cling to each other and laugh through tragedy it heartening and amazing. We fed of each others strength and good spirit. I don’t know how any of us alone could have ever gotten through it but together there were still a lot of tears, but laughter too.
My grandfather was a completely different situation. He was sick for a long time and getting worse by the week. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents with year. I was there at least 2 times a week for dinner and to help out around the house.
My grandparents have 12. They have over 30 grandkids. Many of them my age and with cars. Not many of us were there until the last month or so. I don’t know if they expected him to live forever with both kidney and lung cancer….not to mention blocked arteries, but they still weren’t there much. I guess I can’t complain because we are closer then most families and I love them all. But once they finally came to terms with the fact that Jiddo was going to die they started swarming in. I lost the quiet afternoons when my grandfather would try and convince me to go to Law school or something. “Now Anne, I have no doubt that you would make a good teacher, but you are so smart you should be doing something more like your siblings. You could be a doctor like your sister or go for a PHD like your brother.” Then he would laugh at himself and say, “Well at least you aren’t doing something crazy like trying to be just an artist.”
My aunt Margaret came in from California and spent the last two and a half weeks living with them. She is a nice lady….although some what of a drama queen. This was good in many ways….but at the same time she had no right to tell me not to come over when Jiddo was tired or wasn’t feeling well. He hadn’t been feeling well for a year. I came over then.
And then when he passed away and even when he was in the hospital in a hospice room there was no laughter…only tears and lamenting. I mean it hurts me too, but he was almost 86 and had been sick for a while. I would rather that he pass fast and not suffer for long periods of time. The whole family was so dramatic, and the worst part was every time I offered to help someone (usually Aunt Margaret) jumped down my throat.
They only thing they let me do was help with the music. Many of us sang a song and the funny thing about that is all my girl cousins are sopranos while my sister and I are the only altos. Half way through the very high song everyone else started bawling. So my sister and I started belting out the high Fs and Es trying desperately to cover the cracks and gulps in the other girls’ voices. Unfortunately that one song did not keep me very distracted.
That is how I deal with things I do something. When my aunt passed away they let all her nieces and nephews plan the brunch after the funereal mass and prepare all the food. And my sister and I helped prepare the music. It gave us all something to do. Let us contribute in some way to her memory.
I am writing in here just to try and make it a little more real. I have a tendency to ignore my emotions until I find some way to distract myself. It has happened before. It is nothing serious I just kind of start to feel...slow I guess. I have to give myself an extra pep talk in the morning to get myself going and then find things that I can get excited about to give myself energy. Good thing I really like my jobs otherwise I have a feeling I would be absent a lot.
It was harder with Aunt Teresa. It was so sudden. I got a call at 10:30 p.m. from my cousin Lisa(her daughter) asking if I could come over and watch her two daughters because there was an accident. They were bringing her into ECMC to the trauma unit because there isn't one that was any closer to Perry. She didn't give me details, I don't even know if she knew any yet.
So I drove over to her house which is about 15 min from UB with my boyfriend Tom and we stayed there all night. By the time we got there Gerry(Lisa's husband) gave us the details. Her snowmobile went into a ditch with water in it. She was pinned down by her sled and couldn't get out. They don't know if she drowned or the shock of the sled hitting her stopped her heart. They estimate that her heart was not beating for up to 30 or 40 min. The only reason she had any even brainstem function is because the water was so cold.
Right from the start the doctors were telling us there was very little hope, and that if there was no improvement in the next 12 to 24 hours there wouldn't be. We all sat in that hospital for about five days(at any given time there were about 20 of us. It still amazes me how resilient my mother’s family is. Their ability to cling to each other and laugh through tragedy it heartening and amazing. We fed of each others strength and good spirit. I don’t know how any of us alone could have ever gotten through it but together there were still a lot of tears, but laughter too.
My grandfather was a completely different situation. He was sick for a long time and getting worse by the week. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents with year. I was there at least 2 times a week for dinner and to help out around the house.
My grandparents have 12. They have over 30 grandkids. Many of them my age and with cars. Not many of us were there until the last month or so. I don’t know if they expected him to live forever with both kidney and lung cancer….not to mention blocked arteries, but they still weren’t there much. I guess I can’t complain because we are closer then most families and I love them all. But once they finally came to terms with the fact that Jiddo was going to die they started swarming in. I lost the quiet afternoons when my grandfather would try and convince me to go to Law school or something. “Now Anne, I have no doubt that you would make a good teacher, but you are so smart you should be doing something more like your siblings. You could be a doctor like your sister or go for a PHD like your brother.” Then he would laugh at himself and say, “Well at least you aren’t doing something crazy like trying to be just an artist.”
My aunt Margaret came in from California and spent the last two and a half weeks living with them. She is a nice lady….although some what of a drama queen. This was good in many ways….but at the same time she had no right to tell me not to come over when Jiddo was tired or wasn’t feeling well. He hadn’t been feeling well for a year. I came over then.
And then when he passed away and even when he was in the hospital in a hospice room there was no laughter…only tears and lamenting. I mean it hurts me too, but he was almost 86 and had been sick for a while. I would rather that he pass fast and not suffer for long periods of time. The whole family was so dramatic, and the worst part was every time I offered to help someone (usually Aunt Margaret) jumped down my throat.
They only thing they let me do was help with the music. Many of us sang a song and the funny thing about that is all my girl cousins are sopranos while my sister and I are the only altos. Half way through the very high song everyone else started bawling. So my sister and I started belting out the high Fs and Es trying desperately to cover the cracks and gulps in the other girls’ voices. Unfortunately that one song did not keep me very distracted.
That is how I deal with things I do something. When my aunt passed away they let all her nieces and nephews plan the brunch after the funereal mass and prepare all the food. And my sister and I helped prepare the music. It gave us all something to do. Let us contribute in some way to her memory.