Sep 29, 2005 06:11
I don't know where this came from originally, but I sent it out to the Newwords list some years ago, and Heather just found it and sent it back to me :) Now that we're all a little older, and more experienced in the ways of children, I wonder how much rings true :)
How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test:
Obtain a big box of Lego bricks. (If they are not readily available, you may substitute drawing pins or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Shopping Test:
Borrow one or two small farmyard animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the manager to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest large supermarket. Go to the head office and arrange for your salary to be directly transferred to the shop. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.