more depressing shit!
this isn't nearly as bad as my previous entry because I took out my birth control and I'm feeling MUCH more like myself again.
Not a cry baby.
and it may be the best time of year to be coming to these conclusions....or maybe not conclusions. Realizations.
I'm going to be like that female character from the movies that will be surrounded with friends and family members who are getting engaged, married, or having babies. Always a brides maid, never a bride. but, I've never even been a brides maid. I don't have enough female friends to have that honor.
Is it something embedded in my blood? Is this something every female experiences? The need to be "married" and the want of having a ring on her finger. I just made myself kind of embarrassed just thinking of it. It's one of those gushy things I don't want to think about because I'm afraid it will never happen to me so I shouldn't get my hopes up. And babies. This is the funny thing. I've heard people call it the "biological clock". Whatever it is, I get it. It's like my body wants to have a baby. It knows this is prime time for motherhood, but my brain is like "oohh...oh no you don't". So just like this baby thing, is this "want" for marriage similar? Is it my age?
Or have I just put myself through too many bad relationships that I now finally want someone to just take care of me?
Being married to Robert, I dunno- something about it doesn't seem quite right. At least, not right now. BUT I also can't imagine my life without him. Ah, maybe I'm just feeling very stuck because this relationship moves SO slowly.
I know I've said it a million times before, that I don't NEED a ring or a piece of paper or a big white wedding. I really don't.
The most important thing I could have is knowing my life partner IS my life partner. I suppose I want this feeling of importance and that moment of surprise.... that I would be someone important enough to someone else that he would propose.
Can I have the equivalent of a proposal?
How silly is this entry?
I feel like life is slowing down and I'm running out of things to do. I went to college, I have a career. Marriage and babies is next in the great line of social regularity. So I ought to figure out something I can do that would replace marriage and babies- or at least make me too busy for either one. The only benefit of marriage would be a financial one for the two of us. It's not like if Robert and I got married, something would magically change. We've found the groove in our relationship. So how long do we take this road? Is he the one I need? Am I the one he needs? Sadly, I've been thinking about this. In the past, when I've done this, it usually means I'm just bored of my partner and I break up when I really shouldn't. (and if you know anything about me and my history, I have a pattern of going back to old boyfriends because we broke up prematurely) I'm also pretty good at persuading people....
So I suppose in writing this I'm learning that I am still just very bored. It's no one else's problem but my own. I just really don't know what else to do. I should really work on my social life. I don't have many people I can hang out with.
Okay. So I'm bored. I want my boyfriend to make me feel important and I need new friends.