i feel like such an idiot lately
I've been majorly suffering lately. It's probably because of this birth control I'm taking, but just having an excuse doesn't make it go away.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to sit at a desk for work anymore. Most of the work I do is 2-3 hour projects and it doesn't need to be done every waking moment of the work day. I wish I had something that would keep my mind stimulated for most of the day, but I really don't have anything to do half the time. I have to make something up, or fuck around.
Could I possibly leave Heartbreaker and do my work freelance? For my own company? It's such a weird thing to think about. How do I do that? And what other job can I possibly take? I've been working for myself for 6 years. I don't know what I can do.
I don't want to be a teacher. It's almost like being in the same position. People looking up to you for support and direction. I need someone to give ME direction- but I would need to learn how to not fight someone giving direction.....
I've always been in this leading-type position that separates me from the many. I always need attention. Someone called me an attention whore once, but then someone else told me "there's nothing wrong with wanting attention". I guess it validates my existence. I notice people talk over me a lot. Maybe this is why I do so much on my own. I can't trust anyone to hear what I'm saying. I was out with Andrea and Phil the other night and we were talking to her 2 student's parents. I don' t know how, but we were talking about weed. I brought up how I just tell my parents everything. My mom knows I smoke pot (not so much anymore) anyway...I was started to tell these ladies my experience and how I think a parent should react if they want their kids to be safe and smart ect... and Andrea jumped over me like she always has and took their attention away from my story. I just stopped talking and thought "yes, that's Andrea. That's why I can't hang out with her anymore".
I don't have opportunities to make new friends.
And I still feel like I don't have any friends. I mean, I know I have friends. I just don't have a social life at all. I don't do anything. I don't get invited places. I am so desperate for stimulation and conversation. I feel like I've put myself in a really weird position. Good work Mandie, you've proven your uniqueness in all your off-beat hobbies and life choices. Good luck finding people that have common interests. So what do I do? I don't have television. I can't talk about the latest this n that- not even to make fun of it. I feel like I'm so disgusted by main stream anything, I just don't even get involved.
And girls can be such bitches.
and boys don't talk to me because I have a boyfriend- and it's not because they would want to date me, at least I don't think they do- I think guys have some weird code or switch that gets turned off when a girl is in a relationship. Possibly to show respect as well, and I get that, but the majority of the population I get along with are men. Only, I've had problems with that as well, because the last 2 males I can recall being close to as friends ended up falling in love with me.
I find it really hard to get a long with other females. It's always been this way. All the hipster kids my age that I've met in downtown Fullerton only seem to tolerate me. All the older people I've met are WAY cooler. I've never been mean to anyone. I guess I'm just different. I've never tried to alter myself to get a group of people to like me. I'm just me, and if they let me in, then all the better. The only thing I can think of is that one time Andy decided to befriend me in one week and then in another week treat me like I was some crazy woman and ignore me. He really hurt my feelings. I don't think anyone has ever done that to me since 3rd grade. Dana Hall decided I wasn't "cool" anymore. She told me that. She was my best friend from kindergarten til that point. She's fat now. That's karma, bitch.
I think I'm cool. I'm a nice person. I unfortunately don't know how to talk "small talk" which so many other people do. I put too much importance on my interactions with people hoping that they're genuine and that it'll happen again. I NEEEED people and I need interactions. I'm starving for it. I've scoured MeetUp.com trying to find something I might possibly be able to get involved with.
I'm thinking Orange County is not the place for me. So then where do I go? Is it cowardly to leave? Or should I deal with the fact that I'm just different? Where do I find people like me?
I went to a Xmas party with Robert for a bunch of people he works with and I was content sitting on the couch watching the photo slide show. I didn't mind that I wasn't having any fun or lengthy conversations with anyone. They all worked together. It was all gossip and talk about things they already knew. And people around me did introduce themselves, it was fine. I just feel socially stupid- what do you do in those situations? Robert was off having his own conversations. Maybe a better boyfriend move would be to keep me by his side and include me, but whatever. I wasn't upset with him for not doing that either. I had 3 glasses of wine and just hung out. And then there were photos of Shelby that came up from their Xmas party 2 years ago. The same year Robert cheated on me and slept with her that night and I nearly had a panic attack.
Please. No more reminders.
I keep having dreams about being with other men, too. I've been contemplating breaking up with Robert a lot lately. It keeps sneaking up into my brain. I've even talked to him about it. He says he doesn't want anything to change.
I feel really weak and stupid and like I don't have anyone to talk to about my personal shit.
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to sit at a desk for work anymore. Most of the work I do is 2-3 hour projects and it doesn't need to be done every waking moment of the work day. I wish I had something that would keep my mind stimulated for most of the day, but I really don't have anything to do half the time. I have to make something up, or fuck around.
Could I possibly leave Heartbreaker and do my work freelance? For my own company? It's such a weird thing to think about. How do I do that? And what other job can I possibly take? I've been working for myself for 6 years. I don't know what I can do.
I don't want to be a teacher. It's almost like being in the same position. People looking up to you for support and direction. I need someone to give ME direction- but I would need to learn how to not fight someone giving direction.....
I've always been in this leading-type position that separates me from the many. I always need attention. Someone called me an attention whore once, but then someone else told me "there's nothing wrong with wanting attention". I guess it validates my existence. I notice people talk over me a lot. Maybe this is why I do so much on my own. I can't trust anyone to hear what I'm saying. I was out with Andrea and Phil the other night and we were talking to her 2 student's parents. I don' t know how, but we were talking about weed. I brought up how I just tell my parents everything. My mom knows I smoke pot (not so much anymore) anyway...I was started to tell these ladies my experience and how I think a parent should react if they want their kids to be safe and smart ect... and Andrea jumped over me like she always has and took their attention away from my story. I just stopped talking and thought "yes, that's Andrea. That's why I can't hang out with her anymore".
I don't have opportunities to make new friends.
And I still feel like I don't have any friends. I mean, I know I have friends. I just don't have a social life at all. I don't do anything. I don't get invited places. I am so desperate for stimulation and conversation. I feel like I've put myself in a really weird position. Good work Mandie, you've proven your uniqueness in all your off-beat hobbies and life choices. Good luck finding people that have common interests. So what do I do? I don't have television. I can't talk about the latest this n that- not even to make fun of it. I feel like I'm so disgusted by main stream anything, I just don't even get involved.
And girls can be such bitches.
and boys don't talk to me because I have a boyfriend- and it's not because they would want to date me, at least I don't think they do- I think guys have some weird code or switch that gets turned off when a girl is in a relationship. Possibly to show respect as well, and I get that, but the majority of the population I get along with are men. Only, I've had problems with that as well, because the last 2 males I can recall being close to as friends ended up falling in love with me.
I find it really hard to get a long with other females. It's always been this way. All the hipster kids my age that I've met in downtown Fullerton only seem to tolerate me. All the older people I've met are WAY cooler. I've never been mean to anyone. I guess I'm just different. I've never tried to alter myself to get a group of people to like me. I'm just me, and if they let me in, then all the better. The only thing I can think of is that one time Andy decided to befriend me in one week and then in another week treat me like I was some crazy woman and ignore me. He really hurt my feelings. I don't think anyone has ever done that to me since 3rd grade. Dana Hall decided I wasn't "cool" anymore. She told me that. She was my best friend from kindergarten til that point. She's fat now. That's karma, bitch.
I think I'm cool. I'm a nice person. I unfortunately don't know how to talk "small talk" which so many other people do. I put too much importance on my interactions with people hoping that they're genuine and that it'll happen again. I NEEEED people and I need interactions. I'm starving for it. I've scoured MeetUp.com trying to find something I might possibly be able to get involved with.
I'm thinking Orange County is not the place for me. So then where do I go? Is it cowardly to leave? Or should I deal with the fact that I'm just different? Where do I find people like me?
I went to a Xmas party with Robert for a bunch of people he works with and I was content sitting on the couch watching the photo slide show. I didn't mind that I wasn't having any fun or lengthy conversations with anyone. They all worked together. It was all gossip and talk about things they already knew. And people around me did introduce themselves, it was fine. I just feel socially stupid- what do you do in those situations? Robert was off having his own conversations. Maybe a better boyfriend move would be to keep me by his side and include me, but whatever. I wasn't upset with him for not doing that either. I had 3 glasses of wine and just hung out. And then there were photos of Shelby that came up from their Xmas party 2 years ago. The same year Robert cheated on me and slept with her that night and I nearly had a panic attack.
Please. No more reminders.
I keep having dreams about being with other men, too. I've been contemplating breaking up with Robert a lot lately. It keeps sneaking up into my brain. I've even talked to him about it. He says he doesn't want anything to change.
I feel really weak and stupid and like I don't have anyone to talk to about my personal shit.