Hello...been absent on this blog.
Here's a little humor to make up for it. I hope. LOL.
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Rules for Toast
by Me.
First: Know your Ingredients
Bread:
Good: Any bread. White, Wheat, wholegrain, stale or fresh. Toasting can redeem any bread from a life of useless tastelessness.
Better: Squishy white bread, like Wonder or Potato bread
Best: Cinnamon Raisin Bread, fuck yeah!
Spreads:
Good: Margarine (only regular margarine, none of that watered down 50% reduced fat good for you bull shit.)
Better: Butter* - the good stuff, again, no light, reduced fat or cholestorol busting crap.
Best: Peanut Fucking butter baby!
*optional: Cinnamon Sugar, Honey
Second: Required Equipment
1. Toaster. one of the three appliance requirements (Toaster, Blender, Potato peeler)
A silver one, you dolt! Everyone knows that white crap they sell as appliances is cheap useless junk. Stainless steel and chrome mean business.
Not the WIDE slots either. if you want a toasted bagel, get your ass down to Einstein Bagels you cheap bastard. Wide slots make regular slices of bread toast on one side due to the inability of the bread to be centered in the recepacle. The same goes for toaster ovens. Toaster ovens are for frozen single serving pizzas, and late night frozen chocolate chip cookie dough baking.
2. Knife
3. Plate, optional
4. Napkin. Whatever. You know you're just going to let the crumbs stay on your face and pajama top until you get dressed.
Third: Technique
1. Know your toaster. Nothing worse than expecting your golden toasty goodness and getting either limp warm bread or charcoal.
2. Set toaster darkness dial to medium, and suppress your desire to push the popup button unless you know that your sig other or parental unit routinely adjusts this without consulting you, much as they do your side view mirror and radio buttons in the car.
3. If you have ignored rule number 2 (and I know you have you impatient toaster hoverer), put the bread BACK. IN. THE. TOASTER. And watch it like a hawk cuz sure as the sun rises, this set is gonna burn.
4. Repeat step 2.
5. Hey, in step one I should have told you to get your spreads and a table knife ready and place it by the toaster. Because rule 6 is:
6. Spread your embellishments on the toast as soon as you get it out of the toaster. Not after you put it on a plate. Not after you remember you are out of butter and settle for margarine. Not after you cook your eggs. RIGHT FUCKING NOW, while it's hot. So the topping melts upon contact, thus forcing you to redip your knife into said topping 4 times because the buttery/peanut buttery goodness has already soaked into your bread to much to spread. Now this is important. The spread you choose must reach the outermost limits of the non-crust portion of the bread. The spread MUST TOUCH THE CRUST. No, closer, more, yep that's it. Thank you!
Fourth: presentation...or not.
You may place the toast on a plate if you desire as it is buttered, or carry it in your hand while you pour a glass of milk to drink it with and eat it standing up in the kitchen.
7. If you used butter, and the toast is still outside of your digestive system, add cinnamon sugar or honey if desired.
Conclusion: OK not technically a conclusion.
8. Never, ever, ever order toast in a restaurant. It's made on a conveyor belt, and it'll be cold and nasty and dry by the time you get it at your table, and even the softest butter won't melt. But do put some of those Knott's Berry Farm jam packets in your purse or pocket on the way out of IHOP. It's included in the price of your breakfast.
-----
Rules for Toast
by Me.
First: Know your Ingredients
Bread:
Good: Any bread. White, Wheat, wholegrain, stale or fresh. Toasting can redeem any bread from a life of useless tastelessness.
Better: Squishy white bread, like Wonder or Potato bread
Best: Cinnamon Raisin Bread, fuck yeah!
Spreads:
Good: Margarine (only regular margarine, none of that watered down 50% reduced fat good for you bull shit.)
Better: Butter* - the good stuff, again, no light, reduced fat or cholestorol busting crap.
Best: Peanut Fucking butter baby!
*optional: Cinnamon Sugar, Honey
Second: Required Equipment
1. Toaster. one of the three appliance requirements (Toaster, Blender, Potato peeler)
A silver one, you dolt! Everyone knows that white crap they sell as appliances is cheap useless junk. Stainless steel and chrome mean business.
Not the WIDE slots either. if you want a toasted bagel, get your ass down to Einstein Bagels you cheap bastard. Wide slots make regular slices of bread toast on one side due to the inability of the bread to be centered in the recepacle. The same goes for toaster ovens. Toaster ovens are for frozen single serving pizzas, and late night frozen chocolate chip cookie dough baking.
2. Knife
3. Plate, optional
4. Napkin. Whatever. You know you're just going to let the crumbs stay on your face and pajama top until you get dressed.
Third: Technique
1. Know your toaster. Nothing worse than expecting your golden toasty goodness and getting either limp warm bread or charcoal.
2. Set toaster darkness dial to medium, and suppress your desire to push the popup button unless you know that your sig other or parental unit routinely adjusts this without consulting you, much as they do your side view mirror and radio buttons in the car.
3. If you have ignored rule number 2 (and I know you have you impatient toaster hoverer), put the bread BACK. IN. THE. TOASTER. And watch it like a hawk cuz sure as the sun rises, this set is gonna burn.
4. Repeat step 2.
5. Hey, in step one I should have told you to get your spreads and a table knife ready and place it by the toaster. Because rule 6 is:
6. Spread your embellishments on the toast as soon as you get it out of the toaster. Not after you put it on a plate. Not after you remember you are out of butter and settle for margarine. Not after you cook your eggs. RIGHT FUCKING NOW, while it's hot. So the topping melts upon contact, thus forcing you to redip your knife into said topping 4 times because the buttery/peanut buttery goodness has already soaked into your bread to much to spread. Now this is important. The spread you choose must reach the outermost limits of the non-crust portion of the bread. The spread MUST TOUCH THE CRUST. No, closer, more, yep that's it. Thank you!
Fourth: presentation...or not.
You may place the toast on a plate if you desire as it is buttered, or carry it in your hand while you pour a glass of milk to drink it with and eat it standing up in the kitchen.
7. If you used butter, and the toast is still outside of your digestive system, add cinnamon sugar or honey if desired.
Conclusion: OK not technically a conclusion.
8. Never, ever, ever order toast in a restaurant. It's made on a conveyor belt, and it'll be cold and nasty and dry by the time you get it at your table, and even the softest butter won't melt. But do put some of those Knott's Berry Farm jam packets in your purse or pocket on the way out of IHOP. It's included in the price of your breakfast.