Holiday
I am in Gig Harbor at my dad's house.
I've eaten so much that I had to take off my jeans and put on pajama pants because my jeans no longer fit.
It is easier to eat in secret when you are in a big house and everyone is asleep.
I realized tonight at dinner that I ate more (a lot more) than my brother's six months pregnant fiance.
I know what I look like.
But I still wish my family would stop commenting on how large I am.
If I'm not eating, I have to be drinking. If I can't get drunk fast enough, I eat more.
I drink Kava in such large doses it borders on abuse.
I sleep in 20 minute, panicky intervals.
I don't remember the last time I fell asleep before 4 AM.
Clearly, there are a couple of things wrong here.
Why don't I just stop it?
That's a technique. Yell "stop" in your head. Tried it.
There's something very intriguing about the embarassment I feel from my weakness.
I mean, is it really weakness? Is there really something wrong? Is it something I can fix?
I've never not been able to feel ok if I really set my mind to it.
The things I really care about inspire more dread than joy in me.
Every loved one's face causes anxiety.
I used to be able to take solace in my mother's hug, my boyfriend's kiss.
Now it all makes me want to cry, my heart beats hard, my arms go numb.
I watch sitcoms almost constantly, day and night, asleep or awake, just to have the comforting glow and familiar sounds which an only child raised with a television can settle into and feel ok.
School's out. I barely work. Where is this coming from?
I've eaten so much that I had to take off my jeans and put on pajama pants because my jeans no longer fit.
It is easier to eat in secret when you are in a big house and everyone is asleep.
I realized tonight at dinner that I ate more (a lot more) than my brother's six months pregnant fiance.
I know what I look like.
But I still wish my family would stop commenting on how large I am.
If I'm not eating, I have to be drinking. If I can't get drunk fast enough, I eat more.
I drink Kava in such large doses it borders on abuse.
I sleep in 20 minute, panicky intervals.
I don't remember the last time I fell asleep before 4 AM.
Clearly, there are a couple of things wrong here.
Why don't I just stop it?
That's a technique. Yell "stop" in your head. Tried it.
There's something very intriguing about the embarassment I feel from my weakness.
I mean, is it really weakness? Is there really something wrong? Is it something I can fix?
I've never not been able to feel ok if I really set my mind to it.
The things I really care about inspire more dread than joy in me.
Every loved one's face causes anxiety.
I used to be able to take solace in my mother's hug, my boyfriend's kiss.
Now it all makes me want to cry, my heart beats hard, my arms go numb.
I watch sitcoms almost constantly, day and night, asleep or awake, just to have the comforting glow and familiar sounds which an only child raised with a television can settle into and feel ok.
School's out. I barely work. Where is this coming from?