haven't you people ever heard of closing the motherf*kin door?! this isn't a barn!
aww, can you say boo hoo? Jamiah just told me that we didn't get the Windsor apartment that we wanted so badly. Someone else handed in an application before we did so they had to give it to them. I'm praying that the other people will find another place, or back out, something of the sort. I'm not going to give up though, I have faith we'll find an equally nice place, if not nicer, for a reasonable price.
i was talking to a friend about how important independence is. Even though I'll be moving in with two other roommates, this is essential that i have my own space apart from my family. i've lived away from my parents in college of course, but this is different.
i've also been thinking of Mikael. for the most part i can smile when I talk about him. I'm still in shock, but it's starting to feel less devastating. There was a time when I thought I was ok, but when a song came on that reminded me of him I would change it. I've thankfully gotten past that point. But at the same time something keeps me dwelling. Something that I haven't addressed yet because I didn't quite know how. I wasn't even sure what it was.
I thought about it a couple days ago, and I often tell people that at the time of Mikael's death, we were looking for apartments together. Living with Mikael was what was supposed to give me that freedom from my parents. I hadn't remembered what life was like immediately before he died. I was fed up with my mother's home, and even though I wasn't sure if i was financially stable enough, I knew I wanted out.
After Mikael passed away I blocked a lot of that out. My family couldn't have been more supportive of me in my time of need, always listening when I wanted to talk or cry, and I essentially forgot about my complaints. My mother finally accepted the fact that I am a grown woman, able to come and go as I please with only the standard courtesies that one should always give the person they live with: when and if they will be coming home, things of that nature. Things are great, and I'm not going to deny that. At the same time, the problems I had forgotten about have started to resurface. my mother's OCD being the primary factor.
now is the time. Now that I've accepted the fact that Mikael is gone and have stopped being angry. When Mikael asked me to move in with him a week before his mother died, I told him I'd just gotten to a point in my life where everything was ok and I didn't want to make a big move to New Haven, have to look for a new job and everything. Then the ultimate shake-up happened.
It's hard to believe it's been 5 months since then, but I never thought a person who taught me so much while alive could still teach me so much in death. I learned that I have a myriad of friends who care so much about me. I rarely have an empty weekend, even weeknights are a stretch, because so many people genuinely enjoy spending time with me. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. Looking at his life, even when he was afraid of cold water, he jumped in the pool. His move to NOLA was so drastic, but it truly made him happy, and he wasn't in the business of living someone else's idea of his own life. If he wanted to do it, he made it so, even if that meant taking chances. Just look at the way he died. When I stopped being afraid to moved on, I realized how badly i needed to move on if I wanted to make peace. If I need to know if I can live on my own, how am I going to find out sitting in my room?
i've had so much on my mind. it's the most i've sat down and thought about things in a long time. i almost cried. i wasn't sad. I was just getting answers to things I hadn't bothered to ask myself.
i was talking to a friend about how important independence is. Even though I'll be moving in with two other roommates, this is essential that i have my own space apart from my family. i've lived away from my parents in college of course, but this is different.
i've also been thinking of Mikael. for the most part i can smile when I talk about him. I'm still in shock, but it's starting to feel less devastating. There was a time when I thought I was ok, but when a song came on that reminded me of him I would change it. I've thankfully gotten past that point. But at the same time something keeps me dwelling. Something that I haven't addressed yet because I didn't quite know how. I wasn't even sure what it was.
I thought about it a couple days ago, and I often tell people that at the time of Mikael's death, we were looking for apartments together. Living with Mikael was what was supposed to give me that freedom from my parents. I hadn't remembered what life was like immediately before he died. I was fed up with my mother's home, and even though I wasn't sure if i was financially stable enough, I knew I wanted out.
After Mikael passed away I blocked a lot of that out. My family couldn't have been more supportive of me in my time of need, always listening when I wanted to talk or cry, and I essentially forgot about my complaints. My mother finally accepted the fact that I am a grown woman, able to come and go as I please with only the standard courtesies that one should always give the person they live with: when and if they will be coming home, things of that nature. Things are great, and I'm not going to deny that. At the same time, the problems I had forgotten about have started to resurface. my mother's OCD being the primary factor.
now is the time. Now that I've accepted the fact that Mikael is gone and have stopped being angry. When Mikael asked me to move in with him a week before his mother died, I told him I'd just gotten to a point in my life where everything was ok and I didn't want to make a big move to New Haven, have to look for a new job and everything. Then the ultimate shake-up happened.
It's hard to believe it's been 5 months since then, but I never thought a person who taught me so much while alive could still teach me so much in death. I learned that I have a myriad of friends who care so much about me. I rarely have an empty weekend, even weeknights are a stretch, because so many people genuinely enjoy spending time with me. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. Looking at his life, even when he was afraid of cold water, he jumped in the pool. His move to NOLA was so drastic, but it truly made him happy, and he wasn't in the business of living someone else's idea of his own life. If he wanted to do it, he made it so, even if that meant taking chances. Just look at the way he died. When I stopped being afraid to moved on, I realized how badly i needed to move on if I wanted to make peace. If I need to know if I can live on my own, how am I going to find out sitting in my room?
i've had so much on my mind. it's the most i've sat down and thought about things in a long time. i almost cried. i wasn't sad. I was just getting answers to things I hadn't bothered to ask myself.