crashing
Through the grace of God I've made it through another week without going crazy. When that little girl stepped into my office, things really did look up. The next 3 days, for the most part, were great at work. I even helped some people and I was so busy today that I barely even lj'ed or myspaced. It was pretty good.
But then sitting at home... I'm realizing. Tomorrow is the day. The day everyone's coming, and they're going to be talking. And I'm supposed to speak, and some music that honestly, I doubt Mikael would even listen to. It's actually the kind of event I'd imagine stopping by with Mikael, and then leaving about 20 minutes later so we don't have to have awkward conversations with people we only sort of know. Not to say that I don't love my friends, and appreciate all the efforts that have gone into this, but this whole thing has just blown way out of control in my eyes. I have this permanent headache from planning it all. And then I hear that they're not done and after this they want to do the scholarship fund. Scholarship funds apparently need a board of directors so Dom wants to meet up ASAP to establish the board. sorry, but no.
I just want to be completely and utterly introverted about this. Yet it's like... what the hell? this whole experience is mindblowing and then I feel like it's being stuffed down my damn throat. And then all this planning planning planning. Mikael has never planned so much in his life. He was such a "whereever the cards may lie" person. And scholarships? dude, come on. I'm still not totally on board about that, but what the fuck do I know? I just want to stop having to think about him being gone everyday. Every single day I have to look at his picture and realize he's never coming back. And never is such a strong word. But I just want to get over that never hump and just believe that he's still out there and he still sees me and just stop being so damn ANGRY. I mean, I just don't get it. I'm trying but I don't understand why. Why the hell did this have to happen?
Honestly, I don't even want to go tomorrow. I have a feeling I'm going to leave early. There will be no mega-organizing on my part. I'm not going to act like I'd decent when I'm depressed. I'll say my part, eat some food, talk to as little people who want to be all sad faced as possible, then dip the hell out. Or maybe get blitzed drunk in true Mikael style. And I'm not one for drinking as a cover-up, actually I never drink when I'm in the least bit upset, because that's when it comes out. But I just feel like I need to get out of this.
Sunday I'm off. I'm turning off my cell, my computer. I don't want to hear "the ceremony was lovely wasn't it?" I don't want to hear the name Mikael Schaffer all day on Sunday except the screams inside my mind. I don't want to look at his picture all day. I just want to be fucking mad. pissed the fuck off that he's gone so maybe I can move on.
What I'd love on Sunday is to hear his voice, and that's so impossible, but I just want to know that he knows...whatever is stuck in my head.
But then sitting at home... I'm realizing. Tomorrow is the day. The day everyone's coming, and they're going to be talking. And I'm supposed to speak, and some music that honestly, I doubt Mikael would even listen to. It's actually the kind of event I'd imagine stopping by with Mikael, and then leaving about 20 minutes later so we don't have to have awkward conversations with people we only sort of know. Not to say that I don't love my friends, and appreciate all the efforts that have gone into this, but this whole thing has just blown way out of control in my eyes. I have this permanent headache from planning it all. And then I hear that they're not done and after this they want to do the scholarship fund. Scholarship funds apparently need a board of directors so Dom wants to meet up ASAP to establish the board. sorry, but no.
I just want to be completely and utterly introverted about this. Yet it's like... what the hell? this whole experience is mindblowing and then I feel like it's being stuffed down my damn throat. And then all this planning planning planning. Mikael has never planned so much in his life. He was such a "whereever the cards may lie" person. And scholarships? dude, come on. I'm still not totally on board about that, but what the fuck do I know? I just want to stop having to think about him being gone everyday. Every single day I have to look at his picture and realize he's never coming back. And never is such a strong word. But I just want to get over that never hump and just believe that he's still out there and he still sees me and just stop being so damn ANGRY. I mean, I just don't get it. I'm trying but I don't understand why. Why the hell did this have to happen?
Honestly, I don't even want to go tomorrow. I have a feeling I'm going to leave early. There will be no mega-organizing on my part. I'm not going to act like I'd decent when I'm depressed. I'll say my part, eat some food, talk to as little people who want to be all sad faced as possible, then dip the hell out. Or maybe get blitzed drunk in true Mikael style. And I'm not one for drinking as a cover-up, actually I never drink when I'm in the least bit upset, because that's when it comes out. But I just feel like I need to get out of this.
Sunday I'm off. I'm turning off my cell, my computer. I don't want to hear "the ceremony was lovely wasn't it?" I don't want to hear the name Mikael Schaffer all day on Sunday except the screams inside my mind. I don't want to look at his picture all day. I just want to be fucking mad. pissed the fuck off that he's gone so maybe I can move on.
What I'd love on Sunday is to hear his voice, and that's so impossible, but I just want to know that he knows...whatever is stuck in my head.