Aria and Recitative [Closed]

[herr_edelstein]

Who: Austria and North Italy. Also Lupo.
What: Discussing staging operas, performing arts, and the like. Possibly angstier topics as well.
When: The evening of New Years Day
Where: Austria's apartment in the theatre
Warnings: PG
Status: In Progress

Comments

[herr_edelstein]

Roderich didn't flinch in the least when Feliciano spoke out so vehemently; his expression hardly changed, though there was condolences there. He had seen the breakdown coming, and perhaps the other nation needed to have one to try to heal. He understood that well enough himself, and stood aside for a moment as he spoke, though he was far from distant.

So. Lovino did not recall his time here. Roderich could see how that could be frustrating in and of itself, and the sense of loss in Feliciano's voice struck a chord deep in Austria's well-guarded soul. Twice now, he'd been forced to lose people he'd loved, and both were thrust back into his life in such a sheer manner...

Taking a breath, he put a thumb and forefinger to his nose and tried to think.

"Feliciano..." Stepping over to him, he reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a simple handkerchief. It would be soiled within moments, but such was the price he paid for knowing Italy. Pulling up another chair, he sat beside the other nation, now on equal terms, and regarded him.

"You know as well as I do that Lovino never says anything to be nice; it's simply not in his nature. But even brothers should not strike each other. If have learned anything over these centuries, it is that. But to my knowledge...I do not recall anything in recent history that indicates you were ever cruel to your brother. Quite frankly, the idea of you being cruel is laughable." It was meant to be a nice compliment, of course, despite the fact that Roderich did not smile much. He rested a hand comfortingly on Feliciano's shoulder and thought.

"I am not...trying to tell you to not see your brother. I've forced you apart once, and I'll not do it again. But I do think that...he needs to learn and understand a bit of compassion. You, in turn, must remember that he does not recall anything of his time here before, and learn to accept it. Do not force these feelings upon him; it will only arouse his ire. It's going to be hard, I know, to hide how you feel. And it is human nature that we often say things that we do not mean, that are harsh, cruel, and unforgivable. Perhaps it would be best if you did not stay with him for a time, to give him time to adjust. My home is welcome, if you think it would help. I can at least protect you from another black eye; you do not deserve violence. And in time...perhaps you can try to start anew. You've a strong heart; I've seen it. And you have many friends who are concerned about you and do not want you to be miserable. Sometimes.."

Austria hesitated for a moment; what he was about to say hit home more than he cared to admit.

"Sometimes...you have to make a sacrifice that will hurt now...but heal you in the long run."

[morethanpasta]

Even once he was done drying his face and wiping his nose and the tears ceased falling, Felician clung to the handkerchief. He wrung it in his hands as he listened to Austria speak. His face was solemn and attentive and truly, quite mournful.

A lot of what he said hurt, but Mister Austria had always been blunt in his own way, which was very different from Ludwig's shouting bluntness or Lovino's insulting one. He supposed this was the bluntness that came closest to being simply honest - and wise. He had never doubted that Austria was wise, even on the rare days he felt so sad that he couldn't help but resent him for taking him from his home, his brother and the life he had known before.

"I'm glad you won't try to force us apart," he said softly once Austria had fallen silent. It was the first thought that came to mind. It was nice to have someone who would tell him his opinion without trying to push him one way or the other. He used to trust France with this, but Lovino had sown doubt in him whether big brother Francis truly supported the choice he had made. It was nice, after having been pushed for centuries this way and that way by nations greater than himself.

He fell silent for a little while. He sipped some coffee, it settled warm in his belly, chasing away some of the cold he felt. "I can't leave our home." His voice was quiet as he spoke. "You don't know my brother like I do. He wouldn't understand. It's going to hurt, to see him every day when we're not..." They didn't just share a house, they shared a room, a bed. It would break his heart time and again, he realized, yet in the same moment he resigned himself to it. "But I chose to stay months ago. I have to, or I'll lose my brother, too." Back then, after that horrible fight, he had been terrified of Lovino and could barely bear to look at him anymore, yet he had resisted the urge to flee. It couldn't be worse this time, could it? He hoped so.

He took another sip of his coffee, more to buy himself some time than anythink else. "I don't want to make anymore sacrifices." Italy swallowed hard, he felt new tears sting in his eyes. "I sacrificed my Holy Rome, isn't once enough?" And there, of course, laid the other root of his grief, the one which had been pushed to the back of his mind due to the acute heartache.

[herr_edelstein]

"No, I will not force you apart. But I will entreat you to open your eyes, Feliciano. You may be a fool at times, but you are not unintelligent, and you are not blind. I know that you are unhappy...I want to try and help this. I will tell you that this relationship, whether platonic or romantic, with your brother, is not healthy for either of you. Someone will always get hurt. Lovino says that it is none of my business, but I disagree. The moment you arrive on my doorstep a victim of abuse, it becomes my business."

Austria sat back and went silent for a moment, his jaw set. "The longer you stay close to abuse, the more it will perpetuate. Will I have to help you to the clinic with a broken bone next time? How long will you hide this pain from those closest to you before you will try to fix it? Lovino needs to understand...that he is in the wrong. Perhaps your departure will help to impress that upon him."

He went silent at the mention of the Holy Roman Empire, and looked aside, vaguely uncomfortable. There was much he had never told Italy, and as it stood now, he was not sure how to say such things without driving the other nation away. "...Sacrifices must be made, even if they are not always permanent. Your brother will always be your brother, that will never change. But you have to face the truth, Feliciano. What would make you the happiest? Right now, in this moment, tell me. Do not hide behind your fear; you have nothing to be afraid of here and I will not hurt you for speaking your mind. In your heart, what is it that you truly want." There was a tone in Austria's voice that left absolutely no room for argument.

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano heard the words, he would always listen when Mister Austria spoke, he couldn't help himself. It was too deeply ingrained in him after centuries under his rule and in his household. Yet as Austria spoke of Lovino and his relationship being unhealthy, of the need to bring distance between himself and his brother, he sure didn't want to listen anymore. Feli clung to his cup of coffee so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

When he already believed that this conversation couldn't get any more unpleasant, Austria upped the ante by opening the lid of that can of worms Feli had been trying to ignore for weeks. He wanted so badly to run, yet he didn't dare to do that either.

"I want to not lose my brother over this," he said quickly, for that was the easiest part of a very complex answer. There had never been any doubt in him that he wanted Lovino for his brother, not even when he had been the most hurt by him. "I'll pay whatever price I have to pay to keep my family!" Feli paused and frowned, a bit surprised by his own vehemence. "Ruby City taught me how important family is. It's not just Lovino..." He looked up, meeting Roderich's eyes. "Did big brother Francis tell you that he told me about Holy Roman? What he did to him? He was so scared I would hate him... but I could never hate him!"

Feliciano frowned, turning thoughtful, downright brooding as his thoughts turned to Holy Rome... Ludwig... There was the crux of his indecision. "But I don't know what else I want," he admitted miserably. "I want so many things. I love them both. I don't want to sacrifice one dream for the other!" Feliciano pouted unhappily and lowered his head in shame. "That's very bad of me, isn't it, being so greedy?"

[herr_edelstein]

"You won't lose him. Not permanently. But if it is one thing I have learned, Feliciano, is that you cannot live as long as we do and not hurt someone's feelings in the process. To go through life trying to please everyone else while ignoring your own needs will only lead you into misery." Austria's voice was set, but not unkind. He had been firm with North Italy before as a child, but it was for a completely different set of reasons.

Sighing, Austria stood and went to tend to the food; it would be done soon enough. This...was not easy. Political debate was easier and less knotty than affairs of the heart.

"...It is not greedy; it's simply human nature. We are all human, at the core of our being, be it a blessing or a curse. I...did not know that Francis told you what happened to the Holy Roman Empire. I feel as though I should have told you sooner, but I was concerned about hurting you further when the wound was already raw. I hope that for that, you can forgive me."

He turned to face Feliciano again, but he did not leave the stove. Insteadm he closed his eyes and tried to think, looking troubled.

"Were it as simple as you being able to love your brother as a brother and not a lover, and still be able to have the Holy Roman Empire in love..."

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano watched Austria attentively, not because the cooking was particularly interesting, but simple because Austria was. It still felt so odd to be talking to Austria, from one adult to the other. Back home, they were on the same side, of course, but his attention had been focused on Germany, not on Austria.

"When Lovino has come home, I will think about distance," he said mildly, not wishing to argue about it with Austria, yet the idea still held very little appeal to him. His memories of his lonely first month in Ruby City were still painfully fresh.

He picked up the coffee cup again and twirled it around in his fingers though it was empty. It was something to hold on to. "Ve~ I don't blame you for not telling me about Holy Rome, Mister Austria. I'm glad it was Francis who told me. I don't know if I could have forgiven him so quickly if he hadn't told me himself. Besides, in a way, I had always known, I just..." He trailed off, not finding the right words and seeing no reason to bother searching for them. A sad, wistful smile said it all.

"I suppose it would be simpler if I could simply stop loving him like that." He just wasn't sure if he wanted to, even he could simply shut off his feelings. "Holy Rome... I never thought I would have another chance with him. I had accepted that he is dead. I had moved on." His voice wavers a bit at that, for in some ways, he never had. He wasn't good at moving on, would never be. He loved too deeply to simply stop, but he had mourned his loss and finally made his peace with it. "And now... I'm scared, Mister Austria." He swallowed hard. "Ludwig says he loves me, but I'm not sure if he does. Holy Rome loves me, but I don't know if Germany does. I don't want him to love me only because he thinks it's his duty!"

[herr_edelstein]

Austria leveled a gaze that was not severe, but intense, on North Italy. He understood Feliciano's distress more than he let on, but he was frustrated that he could not make him see through this to the core of the problem. Abuse was not an expression of love, it was a means of control. But he would bring that up in a moment. Now, he wanted to make a point.

"...In all the years that you have known Germany, has he ever once said something frivolous? Has he ever once told you something that he did not mean? Ludwig...he is quiet, and does not express himself easily or well." Not that Austria did either, but this was not about him. "It would take a great leap of faith for him to confess such a thing to you. You need to realize that...that Germany and the Holy Roman Empire are one and the same. There is nothing that should separate them into two entities. One man, with one feeling for you. He does not tell me these things, but it is entirely possible that he came to care for you long before he regained his memories, and in regaining them, it only amplified how he felt."

[morethanpasta]

"Ve~..." Feli went quiet, considering for the first time that Ludwig may have had feelings for him previous to remembering being the Holy Roman Empire. He had never considered it before, for Germany had never acted in any way he would associate with being in love, having a crush or even thinking someone was cute. He sighed. "I suppose... I wouldn't have noticed. He wouldn't have flirted with me like I flirt with cute girls."

He twirled the empty cup around in his hands again. "See, Mister Austria... Both you and Ludwig tell me that he's the same and it doesn't matter if he loved me as Germany or Holy Rome, but it does!" He looked up then, gaze intent. "Because I am not the same person anymore that I was as a child! You knew me. I was a shy little child, quiet and meek. But I'm not a child anymore. I'm loud and annoying and I'm pushy and I always run off getting myself into trouble and sometimes I'm sad because I've seen too many things since I last saw my Holy Rome. And I can be angry and petty, too. I can be jealous and possessive and I worry too much except when I worry too little. And Ludwig has been my friend, but most things I did would annoy him. If it's all Holy Rome's old love, then it can never be." He swallowed hard. "For then he will come to resent me for not being the child I was and I couldn't stand it if he hated me."

[herr_edelstein]

"No...he would not have flirted with you. But think beyond flirting for displays of affection. What has he done for you?" For all his knowledge of the ideal of love as the Italian nation, Austria was surprised at his lack of realization.

"You claim to be all these negative things, but that simply means that you have grown up. And Germany, not Holy Roman Empire, has known you during these times. He has seen you at your worst...and still, he does not abandon you. Do you really think that a person who did not care for you would have tried to make you into something better? A person who did not care would have given up on you and walked out. And you...well, you do not know the effect that your leaving the war will have on Germany." Austria had seen it; he had been living in the house when Germany had received the news that Italy was pulling out. The reaction had been subtle; it was Germany, after all.

"He fought to keep you. Before he ever realized who he had been in his childhood, he fought for you. Despite every point of frustration that he caused during that fruitless campaign, he fought to keep you. Sometimes...the reasons for our actions of our own selves do not mirror the reasons of our leaders."

Austria would not mention that he thought that Italy had been irksome in his own right as a child; that didn't bear mentioning in this moment. And while Italy was annoying and petty at times, and all those other things he had mentioned, that was...human nature. He was not unlike many of the other nations, but he could hardly believe that Feliciano was any of these things maliciously. He simply...lacked foresight.

"There is only so much I can say to you about this. I can only give you advice, not answers, and things to think about. But I do know that...love is a tricky, unpleasant thing, though wholly necessary to the human condition. But it can be wonderful if you let it." There was old bitterness in his tone that had not been there before, and he looked away. "The only way to know is to talk to Ludwig. Not today, not even tomorrow or the next day. But you must speak with him so that you can understand..."

[morethanpasta]

If Feliciano had paid any attention at all to what Austria said about love being a tricky, unpleasant thing, if he had noticed the bitterness, his heart would have bled for him. As much as he had been intimidated by Austria as a child, he did love him as much as the other nations that had shaped his childhood.

He even forgot all about what Austria had said about Germany caring for him as the nation he was now, about not abandoning him, as much as these words had soothed his fears.

For right then, there was only one thing that caught and held Feliciano, no, North Italy's attention, one thing above all else. One thing which made him turn pale, made his hands shiver so badly that the tea cup shook in his hands and his heart rate quickened with dread and confusion and underneath it all, a quickly growing need to flee.

"What do you mean... I will leave the war?" His voice was eerily calm, almost sweet in sharp contrast to the bitter churning he felt.

Italy had just discovered another puzzle piece of what the future held for him - at what might have been the time he was least equipped to cope with it.

I actually...do not know how Germany or Italy felt when Italy pulled out of the war. Just history.

[herr_edelstein]

Austria stiffened a bit; it wasn't that he'd forgotten what year Italy was from. He had simply thought that someone had told him about the outcome of the war. Inwardly, he cursed himself for not having better tact, and turned away for a moment, trying to think.

"I too, ended up leaving the war at the end," Austria finally said, recalling how he had declared his independence when the Soviets had invaded his borders. "The strain of war...it simply becomes too much over time, for different reasons. You and I left...or will leave, for our own reasons, but...War is not meant to be perpetual. Your people revolted against Mussolini's rule, but I do not know how you felt about it all. We did not speak again for some time. And Germany never spoke of his feelings; he simply acted." He paused, and turned to look at Feliciano with apologetic eyes.

"I am sorry. I did not realize that you did not know."

[morethanpasta]

"I didn't know." His voice wasn't quite that calm anymore, but still far too calm for the turmoil he felt. He felt numb, too numb even to cry. "Nobody told me."

It hurts so much to speak these words, for they shock him keener yet than the revelation of what his future holds in store.

"They didn't tell me! Ludwig and Lovino and Francis and all the others, they never told me! Not one of them!" A choked sob escapes Feliciano then and he can't even say what or whom he is crying for, if he is crying for his own hurt at what feels like a lie by omission, for Ludwig feeling abandoned, for their Axis, for... There are enough reasons to cry and each and every one of them deserves to have tears shed for it, so he doesn't even bother to try and settle on one.

[herr_edelstein]

Austria hesitated; tears were something even he had shed, but it made them no less unsettling to handle. And especially when they were tears that had every right to be there, and for such wrenching reasons...

A normal person might have comforted Feliciano with an embrace, but Roderich found himself wholly unprepared for this level of emotion. He felt awkward and wasn't sure how to even begin to help the situation.

He quickly turned the stovetop off and stepped quietly over to where their chairs were, and once more took his seat.

"I should not have spoken out of turn," he finally said, reaching out and lightly resting a hand on the other nation's shoulder. "In the end, you had no choice, Feliciano. America and England had invaded, and there was no way you would have survived a continued assault. Germany wanted to help you after the surrender and sent troops to try and bolster your numbers. I do not think he ever blamed you for what you did personally. As I said...we all had our reasons for pulling out of the war in the end."

[morethanpasta]

"I... I suppose..." He wiped at his eyes, though the tears just kept flowing. "They told me that the war would go badly, but I never thought that our Axis would break. We promised...!"

Feliciano peered for another moment thoughtfully at Austria, took note of the warmth soaking into his back from the hand on his back. Oh, Austria might get terribly upset with him, but he simply couldn't help himself. He scooted forward and wrapped his arms around his waist, hiding his face against Roderich's chest.

"I'm glad you told me, Mister Austria." His voice was choked, but determined. "I'm glad because I can't make anyone feel better if I don't know that they're hurting!"

[herr_edelstein]

"!"

Roderich stiffened for a moment when Feliciano threw his arms around his waist, but it was only a momentary reaction before he relaxed. He was not an affectionate fellow, but he was not cruel, and after a moment, rested an arm about his shoulders. He patted his back reassuringly as a father or brother might, and closed his eyes.

"...It's not easy, losing a war," Austria said quietly; he had been one of the Axis as well, after all. "I do not begrudge you for doing what is best for your people, and I doubt Ludwig would either." He could not speak for Lovino; after all, Feliciano's pain had been his brother's as well, but he did not have as good a rapport, if any at all, with the older of the two brothers. But Ludwig was his cousin, and he had witnessed the fall of their Axis.

"...In the long run, it was for the best that the Axis fell," he said quietly. "Do not concern yourself over that; you will see one day how it turned out for the best despite all the suffering that we all had to endure in the short term."

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano only clung tighter and shook his head with a soft whimper. "But I don't want to lose the war! I'm scared of losing. Losing a war hurts so much, it tears you apart and Lovi said that this war is going to do horrible things to Italy!"

He clenched his hands around the back of Austria's jacket, uncaring that he was bunching the fabric. He trembled slightly as he looked up at Austria with a distressed expression on his face and teary eyes. The flimsy cover hiding these fears had been torn off and now it's just too much. Feliciano trembled from fear, but just as much from frustration. "Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't let it bother me, that it's over and done with. But it isn't! For me, the war has just begun! You all talk about it as the past, but that's my future and now you're telling me we won't even keep our Axis!"

He couldn't even say what he wanted anyone to tell him. As upset as he was that no one managed to truly comfort him, Feliciano knew that there was no comfort to be found. All comfort would be naught but empty words in the end, for no kind words could change the fact that he alone would return to war times when their captors were done with him. Maybe that was most frustrating.