Aria and Recitative [Closed]

[herr_edelstein]

Who: Austria and North Italy. Also Lupo.
What: Discussing staging operas, performing arts, and the like. Possibly angstier topics as well.
When: The evening of New Years Day
Where: Austria's apartment in the theatre
Warnings: PG
Status: In Progress

Comments

Poooor baby I want to cuddle him.

[herr_edelstein]

If one were attending an opera or other performance at this theatre or any theatre, one would have always arrived through the grand front doors. But for the actors and performances, or in this case, Austria's guests, one would arrive at the side entrance. When he heard the listless knocking echoing up the empty hallway, Austria frowned and checked his watch once more.

1745 hours. It was the agreed time that he and Italy had agreed on. But surely this was not him; he was on time, and furthermore, the lack of spirit in the very sound...

Sitting his saucepan aside, he wiped his elegant hands and stepped out, striding down the darkened hall as if it had been his sprawling house and not the narrow corridors behind an aging stage. When he opened the door, he actually startled in his own quiet way. In all the years he'd known Italy, and it had been several hundred, he'd only known him to cry in such a fashion less than a handful of times. His keen eyes did not miss the bruise on that right eye either, despite how he attempted to hide it. Breathing out in a resolute manner, Austria frowned. He could surmise what could have happened in these past few hours based on the company he kept.

"...I see," he said quietly, and stepped aside. Any other person might have taken Feliciano under an arm and comforted him, but even to his friends, Roderich was not the most affectionate of sorts. He showed his concern in other ways.

"Come inside; I'll fetch you something for that eye, and a cup of strong coffee." And by strong, he meant with a heavy dose of cinnamon schnapps and cream.

Oh, he'll be okay. He's a tough cookie. He wouldn't mind cuddles, though.

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano flinched at Austria's quiet remark. That I see held a whole book full of meanings and even he, who couldn't read the atmosphere, wasn't illiterate enough not to know it. He hugged the puppy closer to him, who whined and licked his jaw in response.

He stepped inside, taking in his surroundings curiously, though not with his usual enthusiasm. The weight of the day simply lasted too heavily on him for that. Nevertheless, a small smile lightened up his face as he wandered down the corridor, not even waiting for his host in his idle curiosity, as was his wont to do. But then, Austria would be used to his little quirks, he might not have bothered with minding his manners even if he had been more aware.

"Ve~ it's so nice, Mister Austria!" His praise was genuine. He didn't see the theatre past its glory days, old and run down and barely patched together, when he looked around, he pictured it as it had once been and as it could be again with the necessary dedication and hard work. He would gladly leave the hard work to others, but he could certainly help with the love to music.

He turned around to Austria and finally remembered to put the whining, struggling dog, letting it run around excitedly and sniff its surroundings. He might have clung a bit more to the leash than simply holding it, but then, that was the next best thing to holding the puppy. "I would like a coffee. And something for my eye. I put ice on it at home, but I think it needs some more." He sighed softly. Lovino had a strong right hook.

Oh, Feliciano. Austria was being understanding when he said "I see".

[herr_edelstein]

Austria let him look around for a moment; the novelty of a new place seemed to improve upon Italy's mood at least for a moment, which was good. He'd only seen a sullen Italy when the Holy Roman Empire had left...and when he never returned to the house. Even during the two great wars, he'd been cheerful to the end. Quietly, he followed behind as Feliciano looked around, thinking about how to move forward. Though it was none of his business what he and Lovino did in their privacy, it was his business the moment it became violent. He refused to stand idly by and let it happen. He'd learned his lessons long ago.

"I am glad that you like you. Perhaps we can improve it and make it something akin to those in Venice and Vienna," he said quietly, accepting the compliments with grace.

Stepping up to Feliciano, he paused for a moment, then once the puppy was free on the floor, he reached over and rested an elegant hand on his shoulder. It was a warm gesture, but likely the most physical affection one would see Austria give.

"...Come along then. We are almost to the apartment."

He walked side by side with Feliciano in silence and led him to the converted dressing rooms. Inside it was spacious and open, with tall ceilings. They had broken the ceilings above down to give the new space a more loft like feel, and also to give it access to the windows that had been in the storage above it. The walls were mostly unpainted, but buckets of paint and rolls of wallpaper sat in a corner, waiting to be added. Reupholstered furniture sat in the one finished area of the room, and it was also where the grand piano had been moved to. It sat on the wooden panel floors, a bit of elegance in an incomplete space.

"Have a seat," he bade him as he closed the door and moved to sit a chair in the kitchen where he was working. "There is a space for your puppy in the dining area; he should be safe there, and there is water."

While Feliciano tended to his puppy, Roderich moved and retrieved a cup of coffee for his guest, which did indeed receive a few strong shots of cinnamon schnapps. He also pulled out a thawed cut of steak to take down the swelling in that eye, and waited for the other nation to join him.

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano was quite content to follow Austria, his eyes still eagerly taking in his surroundings as he continued to take apart and rebuild them in his mind. A theatre like the ones in Venice... Oh, that would be too wonderful!

He couldn't help laughing as he caught sight of the grand piano standing amidst the clutter of the half-renovated room, as dignified as only such a beautiful instrument could manage to be under such circumstances. He took note of the state the rooms were in as he walked through them, of the way the light fell and what little hints he could find what the room would look like once it was done. For all the paintings of Austria's he had ruined, he owed him at least one good painting, but it had to suit its surroundings properly. Mister Austria knew his arts, he would have to do his very best to please him.

Feliciano took Lupo dutifully to the dining area, splashing around in the water bowl with his fingers to show the puppy where the water was, then giving it another hug and a kiss on the furry forehead before he tore himself away from his canine friend.

His steps were light and tentative as he approached Austria. He ve'ed softly in pleasure at the sight of a steaming cup of coffee awaiting him, it lessened his hesitancy somewhat. Feliciano sat down and sipped on his coffee, smiling over the rim of his cup at Austria. "The coffee's good! What did you put into it? It's spicy! Cinnamon?"

Ah, if only they could keep talking about food and opera, he would be fine. But the moment Austria had first caught sight of his black eye, he had known any chance at that would be lost.

[herr_edelstein]

"Cinnamon of sorts. It's cinnamon schnapps. Normally I only take a single shot in my coffee, but for you, I put two and a half." Austria paused as he picked up the cut of beef and unwrapped it from its butcher paper. "You appear to need the comfort," he added as he stepped over to where Feliciano sat. "Lean your head back; this will help with the swelling."

After resting the steak over his blackened eye, Roderich poured his own cup of coffee and went silent for a moment, thinking. He would have to be delicate.

"...I am concerned for your well-being, Feliciano," he said after a moment, pausing to stir the cream sauce in its saucepan. "I know that it must sound rich, coming from the man who ruled over you cruelly for so long to say such a thing, but I only speak the truth. I..." Oh, Roderich did not want to bring himself into this, but he knew it would be inevitable. "...I have been in love before, and never once did I raise a hand against my spouse. Love is not supposed to be painful or harsh in such a fashion. Love is...what your madrigals spoke of the in Renaissance. It is a waltz, a song, a serenade in the evening. Blows are only suitable for war..."

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano's body had been relaxed, albeit from nothing but sheer force of will, when Roderich began to speak. As he talked, he felt himself tense up, felt the natural urge rise in him to flee from an uncomfortable, vaguely frightening situation. He pressed the steak harder against his eye, the stinging cold provided a welcome distraction from his discomfort and turmoil.

His other hand reached out to pick up the cup again. It didn't tremble, but as he put the cup down again, he was a bit clumsy and coffee spilt over the rim of the cup, creating a little puddle of black on the saucer. It took no more than that tiny mistake to crumble the carefully constructed facade of cheerful complacency.

"But that's the problem!" Feliciano winced, taken aback by the volume and fierceness of his own voice, by his own daring to shout at Austria. He wanted all the more to cower then, but once he had started to speak, he couldn't keep the words inside anymore. "He doesn't love me anymore! He doesn't remember ever having loved me! He has no memories of the last six months and this Lovino, he is from the future, from your time! He hates the future me! I will be cruel to him in the future, he hates me! We..." He choked on his own words, his own tears, coughing harshly. "We... we aren't even brothers! He said he loved me as a brother, but then he said such cruel things and that he loathes me and I think he really does! I think when he swore that he could never hate me he was only being nice."

[herr_edelstein]

Roderich didn't flinch in the least when Feliciano spoke out so vehemently; his expression hardly changed, though there was condolences there. He had seen the breakdown coming, and perhaps the other nation needed to have one to try to heal. He understood that well enough himself, and stood aside for a moment as he spoke, though he was far from distant.

So. Lovino did not recall his time here. Roderich could see how that could be frustrating in and of itself, and the sense of loss in Feliciano's voice struck a chord deep in Austria's well-guarded soul. Twice now, he'd been forced to lose people he'd loved, and both were thrust back into his life in such a sheer manner...

Taking a breath, he put a thumb and forefinger to his nose and tried to think.

"Feliciano..." Stepping over to him, he reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a simple handkerchief. It would be soiled within moments, but such was the price he paid for knowing Italy. Pulling up another chair, he sat beside the other nation, now on equal terms, and regarded him.

"You know as well as I do that Lovino never says anything to be nice; it's simply not in his nature. But even brothers should not strike each other. If have learned anything over these centuries, it is that. But to my knowledge...I do not recall anything in recent history that indicates you were ever cruel to your brother. Quite frankly, the idea of you being cruel is laughable." It was meant to be a nice compliment, of course, despite the fact that Roderich did not smile much. He rested a hand comfortingly on Feliciano's shoulder and thought.

"I am not...trying to tell you to not see your brother. I've forced you apart once, and I'll not do it again. But I do think that...he needs to learn and understand a bit of compassion. You, in turn, must remember that he does not recall anything of his time here before, and learn to accept it. Do not force these feelings upon him; it will only arouse his ire. It's going to be hard, I know, to hide how you feel. And it is human nature that we often say things that we do not mean, that are harsh, cruel, and unforgivable. Perhaps it would be best if you did not stay with him for a time, to give him time to adjust. My home is welcome, if you think it would help. I can at least protect you from another black eye; you do not deserve violence. And in time...perhaps you can try to start anew. You've a strong heart; I've seen it. And you have many friends who are concerned about you and do not want you to be miserable. Sometimes.."

Austria hesitated for a moment; what he was about to say hit home more than he cared to admit.

"Sometimes...you have to make a sacrifice that will hurt now...but heal you in the long run."

[morethanpasta]

Even once he was done drying his face and wiping his nose and the tears ceased falling, Felician clung to the handkerchief. He wrung it in his hands as he listened to Austria speak. His face was solemn and attentive and truly, quite mournful.

A lot of what he said hurt, but Mister Austria had always been blunt in his own way, which was very different from Ludwig's shouting bluntness or Lovino's insulting one. He supposed this was the bluntness that came closest to being simply honest - and wise. He had never doubted that Austria was wise, even on the rare days he felt so sad that he couldn't help but resent him for taking him from his home, his brother and the life he had known before.

"I'm glad you won't try to force us apart," he said softly once Austria had fallen silent. It was the first thought that came to mind. It was nice to have someone who would tell him his opinion without trying to push him one way or the other. He used to trust France with this, but Lovino had sown doubt in him whether big brother Francis truly supported the choice he had made. It was nice, after having been pushed for centuries this way and that way by nations greater than himself.

He fell silent for a little while. He sipped some coffee, it settled warm in his belly, chasing away some of the cold he felt. "I can't leave our home." His voice was quiet as he spoke. "You don't know my brother like I do. He wouldn't understand. It's going to hurt, to see him every day when we're not..." They didn't just share a house, they shared a room, a bed. It would break his heart time and again, he realized, yet in the same moment he resigned himself to it. "But I chose to stay months ago. I have to, or I'll lose my brother, too." Back then, after that horrible fight, he had been terrified of Lovino and could barely bear to look at him anymore, yet he had resisted the urge to flee. It couldn't be worse this time, could it? He hoped so.

He took another sip of his coffee, more to buy himself some time than anythink else. "I don't want to make anymore sacrifices." Italy swallowed hard, he felt new tears sting in his eyes. "I sacrificed my Holy Rome, isn't once enough?" And there, of course, laid the other root of his grief, the one which had been pushed to the back of his mind due to the acute heartache.

[herr_edelstein]

"No, I will not force you apart. But I will entreat you to open your eyes, Feliciano. You may be a fool at times, but you are not unintelligent, and you are not blind. I know that you are unhappy...I want to try and help this. I will tell you that this relationship, whether platonic or romantic, with your brother, is not healthy for either of you. Someone will always get hurt. Lovino says that it is none of my business, but I disagree. The moment you arrive on my doorstep a victim of abuse, it becomes my business."

Austria sat back and went silent for a moment, his jaw set. "The longer you stay close to abuse, the more it will perpetuate. Will I have to help you to the clinic with a broken bone next time? How long will you hide this pain from those closest to you before you will try to fix it? Lovino needs to understand...that he is in the wrong. Perhaps your departure will help to impress that upon him."

He went silent at the mention of the Holy Roman Empire, and looked aside, vaguely uncomfortable. There was much he had never told Italy, and as it stood now, he was not sure how to say such things without driving the other nation away. "...Sacrifices must be made, even if they are not always permanent. Your brother will always be your brother, that will never change. But you have to face the truth, Feliciano. What would make you the happiest? Right now, in this moment, tell me. Do not hide behind your fear; you have nothing to be afraid of here and I will not hurt you for speaking your mind. In your heart, what is it that you truly want." There was a tone in Austria's voice that left absolutely no room for argument.

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano heard the words, he would always listen when Mister Austria spoke, he couldn't help himself. It was too deeply ingrained in him after centuries under his rule and in his household. Yet as Austria spoke of Lovino and his relationship being unhealthy, of the need to bring distance between himself and his brother, he sure didn't want to listen anymore. Feli clung to his cup of coffee so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

When he already believed that this conversation couldn't get any more unpleasant, Austria upped the ante by opening the lid of that can of worms Feli had been trying to ignore for weeks. He wanted so badly to run, yet he didn't dare to do that either.

"I want to not lose my brother over this," he said quickly, for that was the easiest part of a very complex answer. There had never been any doubt in him that he wanted Lovino for his brother, not even when he had been the most hurt by him. "I'll pay whatever price I have to pay to keep my family!" Feli paused and frowned, a bit surprised by his own vehemence. "Ruby City taught me how important family is. It's not just Lovino..." He looked up, meeting Roderich's eyes. "Did big brother Francis tell you that he told me about Holy Roman? What he did to him? He was so scared I would hate him... but I could never hate him!"

Feliciano frowned, turning thoughtful, downright brooding as his thoughts turned to Holy Rome... Ludwig... There was the crux of his indecision. "But I don't know what else I want," he admitted miserably. "I want so many things. I love them both. I don't want to sacrifice one dream for the other!" Feliciano pouted unhappily and lowered his head in shame. "That's very bad of me, isn't it, being so greedy?"

[herr_edelstein]

"You won't lose him. Not permanently. But if it is one thing I have learned, Feliciano, is that you cannot live as long as we do and not hurt someone's feelings in the process. To go through life trying to please everyone else while ignoring your own needs will only lead you into misery." Austria's voice was set, but not unkind. He had been firm with North Italy before as a child, but it was for a completely different set of reasons.

Sighing, Austria stood and went to tend to the food; it would be done soon enough. This...was not easy. Political debate was easier and less knotty than affairs of the heart.

"...It is not greedy; it's simply human nature. We are all human, at the core of our being, be it a blessing or a curse. I...did not know that Francis told you what happened to the Holy Roman Empire. I feel as though I should have told you sooner, but I was concerned about hurting you further when the wound was already raw. I hope that for that, you can forgive me."

He turned to face Feliciano again, but he did not leave the stove. Insteadm he closed his eyes and tried to think, looking troubled.

"Were it as simple as you being able to love your brother as a brother and not a lover, and still be able to have the Holy Roman Empire in love..."

[morethanpasta]

Feliciano watched Austria attentively, not because the cooking was particularly interesting, but simple because Austria was. It still felt so odd to be talking to Austria, from one adult to the other. Back home, they were on the same side, of course, but his attention had been focused on Germany, not on Austria.

"When Lovino has come home, I will think about distance," he said mildly, not wishing to argue about it with Austria, yet the idea still held very little appeal to him. His memories of his lonely first month in Ruby City were still painfully fresh.

He picked up the coffee cup again and twirled it around in his fingers though it was empty. It was something to hold on to. "Ve~ I don't blame you for not telling me about Holy Rome, Mister Austria. I'm glad it was Francis who told me. I don't know if I could have forgiven him so quickly if he hadn't told me himself. Besides, in a way, I had always known, I just..." He trailed off, not finding the right words and seeing no reason to bother searching for them. A sad, wistful smile said it all.

"I suppose it would be simpler if I could simply stop loving him like that." He just wasn't sure if he wanted to, even he could simply shut off his feelings. "Holy Rome... I never thought I would have another chance with him. I had accepted that he is dead. I had moved on." His voice wavers a bit at that, for in some ways, he never had. He wasn't good at moving on, would never be. He loved too deeply to simply stop, but he had mourned his loss and finally made his peace with it. "And now... I'm scared, Mister Austria." He swallowed hard. "Ludwig says he loves me, but I'm not sure if he does. Holy Rome loves me, but I don't know if Germany does. I don't want him to love me only because he thinks it's his duty!"

[herr_edelstein]

Austria leveled a gaze that was not severe, but intense, on North Italy. He understood Feliciano's distress more than he let on, but he was frustrated that he could not make him see through this to the core of the problem. Abuse was not an expression of love, it was a means of control. But he would bring that up in a moment. Now, he wanted to make a point.

"...In all the years that you have known Germany, has he ever once said something frivolous? Has he ever once told you something that he did not mean? Ludwig...he is quiet, and does not express himself easily or well." Not that Austria did either, but this was not about him. "It would take a great leap of faith for him to confess such a thing to you. You need to realize that...that Germany and the Holy Roman Empire are one and the same. There is nothing that should separate them into two entities. One man, with one feeling for you. He does not tell me these things, but it is entirely possible that he came to care for you long before he regained his memories, and in regaining them, it only amplified how he felt."

[morethanpasta]

"Ve~..." Feli went quiet, considering for the first time that Ludwig may have had feelings for him previous to remembering being the Holy Roman Empire. He had never considered it before, for Germany had never acted in any way he would associate with being in love, having a crush or even thinking someone was cute. He sighed. "I suppose... I wouldn't have noticed. He wouldn't have flirted with me like I flirt with cute girls."

He twirled the empty cup around in his hands again. "See, Mister Austria... Both you and Ludwig tell me that he's the same and it doesn't matter if he loved me as Germany or Holy Rome, but it does!" He looked up then, gaze intent. "Because I am not the same person anymore that I was as a child! You knew me. I was a shy little child, quiet and meek. But I'm not a child anymore. I'm loud and annoying and I'm pushy and I always run off getting myself into trouble and sometimes I'm sad because I've seen too many things since I last saw my Holy Rome. And I can be angry and petty, too. I can be jealous and possessive and I worry too much except when I worry too little. And Ludwig has been my friend, but most things I did would annoy him. If it's all Holy Rome's old love, then it can never be." He swallowed hard. "For then he will come to resent me for not being the child I was and I couldn't stand it if he hated me."

[herr_edelstein]

"No...he would not have flirted with you. But think beyond flirting for displays of affection. What has he done for you?" For all his knowledge of the ideal of love as the Italian nation, Austria was surprised at his lack of realization.

"You claim to be all these negative things, but that simply means that you have grown up. And Germany, not Holy Roman Empire, has known you during these times. He has seen you at your worst...and still, he does not abandon you. Do you really think that a person who did not care for you would have tried to make you into something better? A person who did not care would have given up on you and walked out. And you...well, you do not know the effect that your leaving the war will have on Germany." Austria had seen it; he had been living in the house when Germany had received the news that Italy was pulling out. The reaction had been subtle; it was Germany, after all.

"He fought to keep you. Before he ever realized who he had been in his childhood, he fought for you. Despite every point of frustration that he caused during that fruitless campaign, he fought to keep you. Sometimes...the reasons for our actions of our own selves do not mirror the reasons of our leaders."

Austria would not mention that he thought that Italy had been irksome in his own right as a child; that didn't bear mentioning in this moment. And while Italy was annoying and petty at times, and all those other things he had mentioned, that was...human nature. He was not unlike many of the other nations, but he could hardly believe that Feliciano was any of these things maliciously. He simply...lacked foresight.

"There is only so much I can say to you about this. I can only give you advice, not answers, and things to think about. But I do know that...love is a tricky, unpleasant thing, though wholly necessary to the human condition. But it can be wonderful if you let it." There was old bitterness in his tone that had not been there before, and he looked away. "The only way to know is to talk to Ludwig. Not today, not even tomorrow or the next day. But you must speak with him so that you can understand..."

[morethanpasta]

If Feliciano had paid any attention at all to what Austria said about love being a tricky, unpleasant thing, if he had noticed the bitterness, his heart would have bled for him. As much as he had been intimidated by Austria as a child, he did love him as much as the other nations that had shaped his childhood.

He even forgot all about what Austria had said about Germany caring for him as the nation he was now, about not abandoning him, as much as these words had soothed his fears.

For right then, there was only one thing that caught and held Feliciano, no, North Italy's attention, one thing above all else. One thing which made him turn pale, made his hands shiver so badly that the tea cup shook in his hands and his heart rate quickened with dread and confusion and underneath it all, a quickly growing need to flee.

"What do you mean... I will leave the war?" His voice was eerily calm, almost sweet in sharp contrast to the bitter churning he felt.

Italy had just discovered another puzzle piece of what the future held for him - at what might have been the time he was least equipped to cope with it.