Step Three
A regular at the club last night overheard me talking about spiritual warfare and said that God must be speaking through me to her. Wow. That seems like a lot of responsibility. Not that I mind. God is perfectly welcome to speak through me anytime he chooses. I just hope it doesn't get convoluted in the poison brain juices. It made me want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I mean, who am I? My life isn't shit and I need to keep that in mind. How does one manage living for God and still keeping enough of an edge to navigate through this toxic wasteland? On a lighter note, I took the position at Marshall Fields, it is only half of what I was making hourly, but I am in no position to complain. I had many opportunities to barely work for a lot of money, and I took advantage of them. Appreciation for what I have is a virtue that is lost on me. So now I need humility. I am learning patience. I am learning to let go. This job will be good for me. All I really have to do is show up, I have no major responsibilities which for those of you who know me, is good, because I do not fare well with responsibilities. It is said, that when you are an addict, the first time you use drugs/alcohol, your emotional growth stops. It does not start growing again until you are sober, and then you can start adding back the time with ever year you stay sober. So that would make me about 17. That sounds about right. It's strange, it's like I have moved out of my heart and am starting to live in my head. My entire life I have lived from the emotions on my sleeve. All my decisions, thoughts, feelings have emanated directly from my heart, and now things seems to be filtering through my head first. Have a gained a rational mind? Have a gained healthy objectivity? Could I be capable of rational thought, not originating from a emotional vacuum of chaos? Unfortunately a side affect of this new way of thinking is that I feel completely numb. I feel like I don't have any feelings. I am terrified of losing the passion and turmoil that I am. Will I become a noticeably less intense person? Will I become, God-forbid "normal"? Will I lose my ability to create? To love? To be? My sick mind thinks these things and them immediately looks for a n outlet or more appropriately and "inlet" to self-destruct. I fantasize about the ways I can destroy the small path of health I have just cleared. I do not want to be logical. I do not wish to be capable. I would have to completely redefine myself. Who has time for that? What if I do not like who I am underneath all this baggage? What is I am someone of little consequence, and not at all spectacular?