I found myself wanting
All this self-discovery shit is exactly that, shit. Why am I doing this again? What is the purpose of diving into my psyche? Oh yeah, to be a better person, let go of the past, nurture my inner child, insert more new age bullshit here. We admitted that we were powerless over drugs/alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. But will I really be able to manage better, if I explore why I can not manage in the first place? How can my brain go back to this state of overwhelming anxiety in just a couple of days. I was fine a few weeks ago. Now my head is all tingly again. I feel confused about time and reality. The love is there, I just can't access it. What is the trigger here? Can going back, opening up the old files really mess with a person that much? Now that I have opened the doors, can I close them again? Or would that be more detrimental than letting this emotional roller coaster finish out it's track? Eventually it will have to stop. Eventually there is an end right? Again I am faced with the dilemma of too much stimulus. My skin hurts, feels foreign to me. I feel cloudy. Detached. Terrified.