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Have you ever sat down and made an honest list about yourself? A list detailing all the little nuances of your personality that you thought made you a really interesting, complex character, but in reality probably hold you back? I did that last night. Not pretty. It's funny how being honest with yourself can really put a damper on your spirit. Yeah, I know it's completely self-centered of me to take the time to analyze myself, I am really not all that interesting, but I am trying this whole "self-awareness" thing. I have been doing things backwards for the past 25 years so I figured it's about time to face the music, look in the mirror, or whichever cliche you prefer. I was talking to Nick, trying to explain my infatuation with starving myself, and trying to sell the idea of going back down that road and he looked at me and said (with eerie certainty),
"That is some serious fucking addict behavior"
Silence.
That's right, I forgot, I am an addict, and I am supposed to be working on that. How come every time things get hard I want to destroy myself? Where the hell did I learn that from? Who said happiness is the way to go? Why does misery seem more, I don't know, tangible? Happiness is a fog that I can't lift. It's searching around in the dark, in a dream-like state, feeling surreal and unpleasant. My miserable existence allows me to connect to humanity, I believe.
"You sound like one of those nihilistic, depressed coffee shop kids, that revel in their intellectualism and think they are smarter and better than every one"
Ouch. I suppose it's time to grow up and stop bitching huh? God, could I be more annoying? I am starting to get sick of myself.