(no subject)
As of this afternoon, my sister is 70% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. I'm distracting myself because thinking about my nephew's impending arrival will absolutely make me crawl out of my skin I'm so excited and nervous.
I came home from work today and my neighbor informed me that she had located the mouse of mine that had escaped from her cage several weeks ago, long since presumed dead. Claire has returned to us, and it seems that she may be knocked up. By a wild mouse, I'd suppose. We might have bastard mice.
How To Annoy Your Veterinary Staff
1. When someone answers the phone and says "How can I help you?" start with "Ah, yes - [pause]." Why is this ah yes needed? I'm not asking you a yes/no question, and it shouldn't be too much to ask for you to know why you're calling somewhere before you call so that you don't have to stall for time when the phone is answered. It sounds so small but when about 50 people in a row have just started off with "Ah, yes," you start to wonder why.
2. When someone answers the phone and says "How can I help you?" start with "Well..." As they say this, you can literally hear them settling into their recliner for a long winter's chat about the fungus that they noticed growing on their cat's head six months ago that may be due to some bird poop she stepped in and the conversation they were having with their sister's kid's babysitter when they happened to notice that their dog was in a corner vomiting... the wells only happen when we're an hour behind on appointments and I'm the only one answering phones and two other lines are ringing.
3. When I do follow-up calls for surgeries, a popular answer to "How is Fluffhead doing after her surgery?" is "Well, she's been vomiting blood for two weeks and her head's fallen off, but I figured that was okay. I was thinking about calling you guys, maybe sometime. Do you think I should bring her in?"
4. Walk into your local clinic, and when someone smiles and asks what can they do for you, just state your pet's name, high volume. "Hi, how can we help you today?" "SOPHIE AND MAX. *plops ass down and opens a magazine*" Don't be polite. Don't say anything like, "I have an appointment at 2 for Sophie and Max." You'll disappoint them.
5. When I tell you that your dog has advanced parvo and a very poor prognosis, nod, furrow your brow, and say "Could I get her nails trimmed?" Actually, no, do this. It provides comic relief, I've gotten it twice this week and it cracks my shit up.
6. Tell me that I'm just after your money when I tell you that I can't write a script fill your internet pharmacy. Got news for you: we're not paid on commision, and your fifteen bucks for Frontline isn't going to sink the clinic if you want to buy it online. We won't fill it because the products are unguaranteed, imported from other countries, and usually compromised by hours on shipping docks in the heat, and actually, we'd just as soon your dog didn't keel over. kthnx.
7. Nail trimming, you have two options here. The first: hang over my shoulder, literally pulling back my scrub sleeve for a better view, and fret, saying in a high pitched voice (make sure it's high pitched, so your dog gets excited and won't sit still), "Ooooooh, don't make him bleed, oooooooh did you get him OH SUGARPLUM I'M SORRY THEY'RE HURTING YOU - now DON'T MAKE HIM BLEED ooooh did you get him?! Oh no my BABY IS BLEEDING!" The second: sit down, cross your arms, and keep up a commentary: "Cantcha cut 'em any shorter? All the way back, cut 'em all the way back. Make 'im bleed, it's fine. He can take it, he's a champ, like me, like his dad, can't you just burn it, like cauterize it or somethin' if it bleeds? I want 'em short."
8. Follow the script.
[you, during surgery drop off, 8am] Now what time will you operate? What time will I get to bring Lovebug home?
[me] We should start surgery between 11 and 1, and you can call us at 2 for a pickup time, which should be sometime between 5 and 6.
[you] 2? Okay, I'll call then.
[you, 9:45] I'm calling to see how Lovebug's doing? Is she okay? Is she awake from surgery yet?
[me] Ma'am, we don't start surgery until 11 at the soonest.
[you] 11? Where do you have Lovebug? What is she doing?
[me] Ma'am, Lovebug is in our kennel area, in a cage with a blanket until surgery time.
[you] And that's not til 11?
[me] At the soonest, ma'am.
[you] Oh, god. She's all alone? Can you hug her for me?
[me] Sure, I'll go do that now.
[you, 11:05] I'm calling about Lovebug? Has she come out of surgery alright? et al, all day. Then don't show up for pick-up til 5:59.
9. "My dog can't have parvo, she got her shots 6 years ago!"
10. Call and say that your dog vomited. Demand that we tell you, over the phone, what's wrong, and how to treat it, at home, for free.
Need more? I've got more.
I came home from work today and my neighbor informed me that she had located the mouse of mine that had escaped from her cage several weeks ago, long since presumed dead. Claire has returned to us, and it seems that she may be knocked up. By a wild mouse, I'd suppose. We might have bastard mice.
How To Annoy Your Veterinary Staff
1. When someone answers the phone and says "How can I help you?" start with "Ah, yes - [pause]." Why is this ah yes needed? I'm not asking you a yes/no question, and it shouldn't be too much to ask for you to know why you're calling somewhere before you call so that you don't have to stall for time when the phone is answered. It sounds so small but when about 50 people in a row have just started off with "Ah, yes," you start to wonder why.
2. When someone answers the phone and says "How can I help you?" start with "Well..." As they say this, you can literally hear them settling into their recliner for a long winter's chat about the fungus that they noticed growing on their cat's head six months ago that may be due to some bird poop she stepped in and the conversation they were having with their sister's kid's babysitter when they happened to notice that their dog was in a corner vomiting... the wells only happen when we're an hour behind on appointments and I'm the only one answering phones and two other lines are ringing.
3. When I do follow-up calls for surgeries, a popular answer to "How is Fluffhead doing after her surgery?" is "Well, she's been vomiting blood for two weeks and her head's fallen off, but I figured that was okay. I was thinking about calling you guys, maybe sometime. Do you think I should bring her in?"
4. Walk into your local clinic, and when someone smiles and asks what can they do for you, just state your pet's name, high volume. "Hi, how can we help you today?" "SOPHIE AND MAX. *plops ass down and opens a magazine*" Don't be polite. Don't say anything like, "I have an appointment at 2 for Sophie and Max." You'll disappoint them.
5. When I tell you that your dog has advanced parvo and a very poor prognosis, nod, furrow your brow, and say "Could I get her nails trimmed?" Actually, no, do this. It provides comic relief, I've gotten it twice this week and it cracks my shit up.
6. Tell me that I'm just after your money when I tell you that I can't write a script fill your internet pharmacy. Got news for you: we're not paid on commision, and your fifteen bucks for Frontline isn't going to sink the clinic if you want to buy it online. We won't fill it because the products are unguaranteed, imported from other countries, and usually compromised by hours on shipping docks in the heat, and actually, we'd just as soon your dog didn't keel over. kthnx.
7. Nail trimming, you have two options here. The first: hang over my shoulder, literally pulling back my scrub sleeve for a better view, and fret, saying in a high pitched voice (make sure it's high pitched, so your dog gets excited and won't sit still), "Ooooooh, don't make him bleed, oooooooh did you get him OH SUGARPLUM I'M SORRY THEY'RE HURTING YOU - now DON'T MAKE HIM BLEED ooooh did you get him?! Oh no my BABY IS BLEEDING!" The second: sit down, cross your arms, and keep up a commentary: "Cantcha cut 'em any shorter? All the way back, cut 'em all the way back. Make 'im bleed, it's fine. He can take it, he's a champ, like me, like his dad, can't you just burn it, like cauterize it or somethin' if it bleeds? I want 'em short."
8. Follow the script.
[you, during surgery drop off, 8am] Now what time will you operate? What time will I get to bring Lovebug home?
[me] We should start surgery between 11 and 1, and you can call us at 2 for a pickup time, which should be sometime between 5 and 6.
[you] 2? Okay, I'll call then.
[you, 9:45] I'm calling to see how Lovebug's doing? Is she okay? Is she awake from surgery yet?
[me] Ma'am, we don't start surgery until 11 at the soonest.
[you] 11? Where do you have Lovebug? What is she doing?
[me] Ma'am, Lovebug is in our kennel area, in a cage with a blanket until surgery time.
[you] And that's not til 11?
[me] At the soonest, ma'am.
[you] Oh, god. She's all alone? Can you hug her for me?
[me] Sure, I'll go do that now.
[you, 11:05] I'm calling about Lovebug? Has she come out of surgery alright? et al, all day. Then don't show up for pick-up til 5:59.
9. "My dog can't have parvo, she got her shots 6 years ago!"
10. Call and say that your dog vomited. Demand that we tell you, over the phone, what's wrong, and how to treat it, at home, for free.
Need more? I've got more.