"I've got to move on and be who I am..."
Yes, High School Musical lyrics, but that song has been in my head a lot lately. It's the girl who's breaking up with the guy in that case, but I still think her words say a lot about how I feel.
I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I refrained out of deference to people's feelings. After today, I feel I have the right to write whatever I want. I'll be diplomatic about it, but since there's a debate going on about the very thing I've felt I needed to get off my chest, I feel like I can contribute.
Relationships, huh? I find them to be...interesting, to say the very least. Being in a good one is the best feeling in the world. There's someone who cares for you in a way that no one else does. There's a hand for you to hold, and a pair of arms that you fit into perfectly. There's another person there that you can count on to trust you, and who you can trust. There's a person that fits into you emotionally the way that no one else can. It's an awesome feeling to be so linked with someone else that you can just be happy to be with. You can know that no matter what, they'll love you and you'll love them, and that's all that will matter. Having that one fact means that you can get through anything.
On the other hand, relationships are the scariest thing in the world. Knowing how badly you can get hurt is deterrent enough to stay away for a long time. I've been so badly scarred in my past...so may cheaters, so many liars, not to mention that one sophomore year that was so abusive emotionally...I still think I have scars healing from that one. And every time one ends, on good terms or not, there's a new scar there. Even with the most amicable of breakups, you find yourself...broken. There's no better word to describe it, really. Even when you know it's not your fault, there are so many questions. What could I have done better to keep him around? What's wrong with me that he fell out of love with me? Am I not good enough? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever be able to love or trust anyone again? When does it stop hurting? Does it ever stop hurting? They just go on and on, a constant headache that just won't leave me alone, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Going back to the single life is so hard after being with someone for so long who you loved so much. Yeah, there's the security of a relationship, but I so don't think that's the biggest part. I've been in plenty of relationships that weren't secure at all, so the security of having someone there for me is the same as having a good friend. What I miss most is having someone to love, and knowing that he loves me too. And not only does he love me, but he loves me for all of my quirks and all of my flaws. Loving someone else for all of his craziness is fun too. That's what makes him special, and that's what makes him mine. I guess you could call that security, but I see it more as having a special appreciation for someone that no one else can really see.
I guess what you learn from the end of a relationship is how to be strong and be who you are. You learn that you lose a piece of you forever, and you'll never get it back, and you have to grow to cover that wound. You have to regenerate it to give it to someone else. The learning curve is so steep...the single life is hard, and it's no fun, not when you're still in the process of fixing yourself. A broken heart is unbearable, but with the help of friends, it get better. You have to learn to take the chance again, even when all you want to do is run screaming. That's what I've been doing, a lot of running and screaming. Going out all the time and you meet a lot of people, but I'm constantly terrified. How can I possibly let someone in again? It feels like it's been so damn long, but I just can't do it. Yes, my self esteem is better. I don't feel invisible/hideous/whatever anymore, I know I'm an attractive girl, but that's about all the progress I feel I've made. I can't get beyond the wall that's up in front of the next step, and I'm scared I'll never get there.
Having read what's been posted already, I honestly feel...well...I guess defeated is part of it, but I don't know. The last thing I want to be is an object of guilt. I don't want to cause anyone that. I want to be someone that's cared about, not just someone that causes others to feel bad. I'm a Jew, I know how to cause enough guilt when I mean to, I don't want my presence or mere existence to cause someone that visceral a reaction...and trust me, as a Jew, I know it is a visceral reaction (thank you grandmother for teaching me THAT lesson...oy) I mean, I suppose there should be some sort of gut reaction, if someone has a soul, but I don't want to be the one someone feels sorry for, I don't want to be pitied...*sigh* I guess I don't really know how to proceed there past what I've already said, it just kind of hurts more to know that I'm an object of guilt more than anything else.
I also feel that any healthy relationship should be one where people don't have to change to be together. Those people who hide themselves away when they have someone...well, not to be too mean or blunt or offensive...that's just wrong. A good relationship is one where you can be super in love and super happy, but also be a part of the world and your community, whichever one it might be. Relationships aren't supposed to change you, they're supposed to help you appreciate who you are. If you're turning into a hermit and you're bitter about life, you're in the wrong relationship, find someone who loves you how you are and will be proud to share you with the world, not want to take you from it. That's part of what I loved about what I had. Yes, we had our own time, but we always shared time with everyone else. We were social. We liked to hang out with everyone else. THAT's a good relationship, that's how it should be.
All of that said...and that was a lot...I'm not angry. I still really care about him, even though it still hurts and there are parts of me that are still broken. There will always be a part of me that loves him, that place where the part of me that left with him is being filled in with healing. I would never wish anything bad on him, and I want more than anything to find some way to pick up where we left off before our relationship, as best friends. In time, we'll be able to look back on the whole thing and know that whatever the final outcome, it was probably what was best for us in the long run, even if I didn't believe it in the short term. I want us to love each other just as much, even if it's in a different way. I don't want to lose him, because that would be the biggest hurt. I guess I need to follow Gabriella's advice and move on to learn who I am. I need to relearn how to be completely 100% independent, which is a daunting task. Sharing yourself with someone for so long and then having no one to turn to is hard, but I'm figuring it out. Days like today are hard...when you see and hear things you may have tried to figure out on your own out of someone else's mouth (or LJ?), it's more final and harder to take than expected. Pile that on top of lack of sleep, stress over work and extracurriculars, as well as feeling like death is ripping your stomach out of your body...yeah, it's been a tough one. Thank G-d my friends are here to put me back together when I feel like I'm falling apart.
*sigh* That's enough babbling from me. I feel like I've just written you all a novel, and if you're still here...wow. I really hope that nothing I said will cause any trouble, because that's the last thought on my mind. I guess this was a bit of an emotional explosion that's been building for weeks now that I was too afraid to let go. Please just take it at face value, don't read into it too much, and allow this poor, crazy girl to speak her mind without attacks. Comments are obviously more than welcome, but as I've tried not to attack anything (though some specific points were addressed...), I would request that all comments be along the same lines. I didn't want to offend anyone, I just really needed to get these thoughts off my chest. I love you all and miss you all (yes, all of you), and I hope you're all doing well... Might I also add that I hate how far I am from you all, and the fact that you're so close together?! I'm hoping to make it up there soon, so don't forget about me here in lame old Baltimore...
I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I refrained out of deference to people's feelings. After today, I feel I have the right to write whatever I want. I'll be diplomatic about it, but since there's a debate going on about the very thing I've felt I needed to get off my chest, I feel like I can contribute.
Relationships, huh? I find them to be...interesting, to say the very least. Being in a good one is the best feeling in the world. There's someone who cares for you in a way that no one else does. There's a hand for you to hold, and a pair of arms that you fit into perfectly. There's another person there that you can count on to trust you, and who you can trust. There's a person that fits into you emotionally the way that no one else can. It's an awesome feeling to be so linked with someone else that you can just be happy to be with. You can know that no matter what, they'll love you and you'll love them, and that's all that will matter. Having that one fact means that you can get through anything.
On the other hand, relationships are the scariest thing in the world. Knowing how badly you can get hurt is deterrent enough to stay away for a long time. I've been so badly scarred in my past...so may cheaters, so many liars, not to mention that one sophomore year that was so abusive emotionally...I still think I have scars healing from that one. And every time one ends, on good terms or not, there's a new scar there. Even with the most amicable of breakups, you find yourself...broken. There's no better word to describe it, really. Even when you know it's not your fault, there are so many questions. What could I have done better to keep him around? What's wrong with me that he fell out of love with me? Am I not good enough? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever be able to love or trust anyone again? When does it stop hurting? Does it ever stop hurting? They just go on and on, a constant headache that just won't leave me alone, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Going back to the single life is so hard after being with someone for so long who you loved so much. Yeah, there's the security of a relationship, but I so don't think that's the biggest part. I've been in plenty of relationships that weren't secure at all, so the security of having someone there for me is the same as having a good friend. What I miss most is having someone to love, and knowing that he loves me too. And not only does he love me, but he loves me for all of my quirks and all of my flaws. Loving someone else for all of his craziness is fun too. That's what makes him special, and that's what makes him mine. I guess you could call that security, but I see it more as having a special appreciation for someone that no one else can really see.
I guess what you learn from the end of a relationship is how to be strong and be who you are. You learn that you lose a piece of you forever, and you'll never get it back, and you have to grow to cover that wound. You have to regenerate it to give it to someone else. The learning curve is so steep...the single life is hard, and it's no fun, not when you're still in the process of fixing yourself. A broken heart is unbearable, but with the help of friends, it get better. You have to learn to take the chance again, even when all you want to do is run screaming. That's what I've been doing, a lot of running and screaming. Going out all the time and you meet a lot of people, but I'm constantly terrified. How can I possibly let someone in again? It feels like it's been so damn long, but I just can't do it. Yes, my self esteem is better. I don't feel invisible/hideous/whatever anymore, I know I'm an attractive girl, but that's about all the progress I feel I've made. I can't get beyond the wall that's up in front of the next step, and I'm scared I'll never get there.
Having read what's been posted already, I honestly feel...well...I guess defeated is part of it, but I don't know. The last thing I want to be is an object of guilt. I don't want to cause anyone that. I want to be someone that's cared about, not just someone that causes others to feel bad. I'm a Jew, I know how to cause enough guilt when I mean to, I don't want my presence or mere existence to cause someone that visceral a reaction...and trust me, as a Jew, I know it is a visceral reaction (thank you grandmother for teaching me THAT lesson...oy) I mean, I suppose there should be some sort of gut reaction, if someone has a soul, but I don't want to be the one someone feels sorry for, I don't want to be pitied...*sigh* I guess I don't really know how to proceed there past what I've already said, it just kind of hurts more to know that I'm an object of guilt more than anything else.
I also feel that any healthy relationship should be one where people don't have to change to be together. Those people who hide themselves away when they have someone...well, not to be too mean or blunt or offensive...that's just wrong. A good relationship is one where you can be super in love and super happy, but also be a part of the world and your community, whichever one it might be. Relationships aren't supposed to change you, they're supposed to help you appreciate who you are. If you're turning into a hermit and you're bitter about life, you're in the wrong relationship, find someone who loves you how you are and will be proud to share you with the world, not want to take you from it. That's part of what I loved about what I had. Yes, we had our own time, but we always shared time with everyone else. We were social. We liked to hang out with everyone else. THAT's a good relationship, that's how it should be.
All of that said...and that was a lot...I'm not angry. I still really care about him, even though it still hurts and there are parts of me that are still broken. There will always be a part of me that loves him, that place where the part of me that left with him is being filled in with healing. I would never wish anything bad on him, and I want more than anything to find some way to pick up where we left off before our relationship, as best friends. In time, we'll be able to look back on the whole thing and know that whatever the final outcome, it was probably what was best for us in the long run, even if I didn't believe it in the short term. I want us to love each other just as much, even if it's in a different way. I don't want to lose him, because that would be the biggest hurt. I guess I need to follow Gabriella's advice and move on to learn who I am. I need to relearn how to be completely 100% independent, which is a daunting task. Sharing yourself with someone for so long and then having no one to turn to is hard, but I'm figuring it out. Days like today are hard...when you see and hear things you may have tried to figure out on your own out of someone else's mouth (or LJ?), it's more final and harder to take than expected. Pile that on top of lack of sleep, stress over work and extracurriculars, as well as feeling like death is ripping your stomach out of your body...yeah, it's been a tough one. Thank G-d my friends are here to put me back together when I feel like I'm falling apart.
*sigh* That's enough babbling from me. I feel like I've just written you all a novel, and if you're still here...wow. I really hope that nothing I said will cause any trouble, because that's the last thought on my mind. I guess this was a bit of an emotional explosion that's been building for weeks now that I was too afraid to let go. Please just take it at face value, don't read into it too much, and allow this poor, crazy girl to speak her mind without attacks. Comments are obviously more than welcome, but as I've tried not to attack anything (though some specific points were addressed...), I would request that all comments be along the same lines. I didn't want to offend anyone, I just really needed to get these thoughts off my chest. I love you all and miss you all (yes, all of you), and I hope you're all doing well... Might I also add that I hate how far I am from you all, and the fact that you're so close together?! I'm hoping to make it up there soon, so don't forget about me here in lame old Baltimore...