Prompts 26-29
Title: Remus and the Tramp pt. 5
Author: Devonwood
Format & Word Count: Fic; 1,970
Rating: Pg-13/T
Prompt: Prompt 26 (scandal), Prompt 27 (toilet paper roll), Prompt 28 (Snow Patrol lyrics), Prompt 29 (picture of a lion statue)
Warning: language, sexuality
Summary: “I would offer you my jumper, but it’s the only “pimp” thing I have, and that would totally ruin the ensemble.”
Author's Note: The last installment! The end is rushed a bit, because I wrote most of this while I was grounded. If I ever post this somewhere else, which I probably will, I’ll expand it a bit and add more descriptions. :)
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
In all of his thirty-seven years, Remus had never done anything quite as emasculating as this. He had worn a dress into the Great Hall once, in his fifth year, only because he had lost a bet to Sirius. And he distinctly remembered a trip to Hogsmeade in which he carried his girlfriend-at-the-time’s purse for the entire trip. But nothing could compare to waving a ham above his head for two hours solid.
Sure, meat is manly- or at least, that’s what he’d told himself while he and Tonks were still out in the middle of nowhere, miles from sight. But once they’d reached the outskirts of the town, and run into a few scarce goat herders who had chuckled as he walked by, Remus realized that a large chunk of meat could be the most feminine thing in the world.
Thankfully, it was Tonks’s turn to brandish the ham by the time they passed the first house in town, and she was really living up to her part. She swayed her hips in time with the meat over her head, looking seductively over her shoulder every so often before throwing the steak over her head with a small staged gasp, glancing up at it in feminine shock as it disappeared in the air. Remus swallowed deeply and continued his gait, allowing a small grin onto his face- because, you know, he had to be in character. Apparently, the men passing by on the street were in character as well, because they all stared at her with the same glazed-over look. Remus glared at one of them whose tongue began to wag, and the man closed his jaw immediately.
“I don’t like the way these men are staring at you. You’re mine.” He mumbled as she swished her hips back and forth, drawing his own eyes up to her face when she turned around. As he saw the look that flashed over her shoulder, he realized his faux pas immediately.
“Since when am I yours, Remus?” Tonks asked coyly, raising an eyebrow.
“I was...just staying in character.”
She raised the other eyebrow, but turned around without another word, throwing Reginald a brisket over her head. It was then that Remus noticed the gooseflesh on the back of her thighs. Not that he was staring or anything.
“Tonks, are you cold?”
“It’s a bit nippy out when you’re practically starkers” she said, and he could just imagine the roll of her eyes that followed.
“I would offer you my jumper, but it’s the only “pimp” thing I have, and that would totally ruin the ensemble.”
Another probable roll of the eyes.
They walked in silence for a moment, before Remus had a rather Marauder idea.
“You know, I could give you the jumper off of an old man’s back, but you would have to do a little something for me first.”
“I really hope you realize that I don’t put out on the first date, Remus.”
“Oh, so it’s a date now?”
She blushed, and Remus was just glad that he was able to pay her back for earlier without his voice cracking too much.
“No, putting out isn’t what I had in mind. How would you feel about being in Reginald’s position?”
“Having a man feed me every so often as I occasionally growl and smoke? Really, this still sounds like there is some sex involved.”
He chuckled, all of his Gryffindor courage in play. “No, I meant something else entirely...”
-----------------------------
If he thought there were stares before, their new getup certainly attracted many more. His brilliant plan of action had been a diamond encrusted dog leash, and the results were better than expected.
Tonks walked a few meters in front of him, a pink collar around her neck, which was gloriously attatched to the leash in Remus’s hand. She played her part perfectly, but Remus had no doubts, and the jumper that hung loosely on her body just enhanced the image. She skipped merrily, dancing with a slight sway of her hips, but his favorite part was that whenever he pulled the leash, she turned around and practically leaped into his arm, pressing her warm body against him in a way that made him tingle in all the right places. He’d been doing it more and more frequently the closer they got into town, and shot a look at the men who stared, that clearly said “Yes, she’s mine.”
The new costume was attracting all of the right attention, and no one noticed when Remus would chuck a ham over his shoulder, having it disappear from sight. If this was what Gryffindor courage bought you, he thought with a smug grin, then he would never wonder again why he was put in that house.
The designated meeting spot- a bar, naturally, came sooner then Remus would have liked. Tonks offered to wait outside with Reginald, and he agreed, not wanting to spend any more time alone with the dragon. He pushed open the moldy door of the bar, and was met with equally moldy walls, and chairs that creaked whenever someone shifted on them. Which was a lot, since every head turned to stare at him when he walked through the door.
Covering a grimace at the prospect of sitting down on a stool that most likely had questionable stains from even more questionable patrons, he rapped his fist on the counter. The seedy barman came over, snorting back a wad of snot, to which Remus had to cover another grimace.
“I’ll take a scotch on the rocks.” He ordered, scanning the other people in the bar for the first time. They were all older than he, by more than a few years, save for the couple in the corner whose arms and legs were so closely tangled together that it was impossible to tell them apart.
Another snort from the barman, and Remus found his drink in front of him. He handed over a small bit of Muggle currency that he always happened to carry around, and took a swig. The liquid burned his throat- he never could hold his liquor, Sirius always said.
Nearly an hour later there was still no sign of Charlie anywhere. Remus drained the last gulp, and rapped on the counter again to get the barman’s attention. With a gruff, the large man waddled over, fixing him with such a glare that Remus trembled a little under the gaze.
“Yes. I was wondering if you’d seen a friend of mine. He’s tall, with bright red hair. A lot of freckles, and-“
“Y’had me at red ‘air.” He said, sniffling and wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “ ‘E’s been in the bathroom for awhile now. Th’whiskey didn’t agree with ‘im, apparently.”
With a loud sigh, Remus thanked the man and headed into the gentleman’s bathroom.
“Charlie....are you here?”
“Ron? S’that you?”
The voice that came from behind the first stall door sounded heavily drunk, and Remus braced himself before he pushed it open.
“Good lord, man, are you alright?”
“Had t’much whiskey.” He mumbled. “Beer nuts made me slick...sick. Made me sick.”
Charlie groaned, leaning over the loo again before he retched. Wrinkling his nose, Remus performed a cleaning charm on him, quickly followed by something that would sober the poor Weasley up.
He moaned again, but was able to stand up. His face was deathly pale, which made the freckles stand out all the more.
“Thanks, mate.” He said a little wearily. Remus nodded.
“Are you going to be alright to pick up the shipment?”
Charlie’s brow furrowed, as though he couldn’t remember the reason he was there in the first place. But soon, his eyes darted open, and he smiled.
“Take me to see him.”
“He’s right outside” Remus said, ushering the younger man out of the bathroom and towards the front door.
Whatever Charlie had been expecting to be outside, it certainly wasn’t Tonks in a leash, surrounded by a crowd of men who were throwing her dollar bills as she wiggled her hips, occasionally “tripping” over a piece of meat that would soon disappear.
“Alright, show’s over.” Remus barked. A couple of young men tried to give him a telling off, but stopped when Tonks ran over and hugged him, grinding her body into his.
His breath hitched in his throat, and he pulled back rapidly when Tonks whispered “Just staying in character” is a lusty voice. He turned away with a blush, trying desperately to think of that one time he accidentally walked in on his grandfather naked in the shower.
“Nymphie...is that you?”
Charlie seemed flabbergasted, and walked forward to touch her arm, making sure she was real. For a moment, he looked as though he would pinch her, but apparantly decided better on that when he saw her glare.
“Tonks now, and yes, I’m most certainly real.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but Remus cut him off. “We didn’t choose to come dressed like this.” He said. “This is all Kingsley’s fault.”
“Ah. Shacklebolt, of course.” Charlie’s eyes roamed around for a bit.
“So, where is the...erm....package?”
Tonks handed over the invisible leash with a grateful expression pinned to her face. She all but heaved a sigh when the Weasley's fingers curled around the handle. “Reginald is all yours now.”
“Reginald? You named it?!”
“Him, and technically Hagrid named ‘it’.” Remus answered.
Tonks turned to walk on her heel, and Remus picked up her pink leash, which was dragging on the ground.
“But wait...what do I need to know?”
Remus called over his shoulder, “He’s a Hungarian Horntail, and-"
“He’s blue.” Tonks interrupted. Remus slipped his arm around her shoulder, earning a small gasp from the young witch.
“Blue?!”
With a chuckle, the pair of them left Charlie standing in the middle of the road with a bemused and stunned expression on his face, smoke billowing around his head.
---
When the tingling sensation subsided from being shot back through the Pensieve, Remus found himself nearly falling forward with the extra weight in his arms. Tonks shushed him, pointing to the sleeping face of their daughter he was carrying.
“She finally fell asleep.” He whispered. “I mean, honestly- what thirteen year old needs a bedtime story?”
Remus set her down in the bed, tucking the hot pink covers around her small frame, smoothing a black curl out of her face.
“Alexia asked me earlier about how we first began to fall in love, and I thought it would be better to show her this evening.”
“It’s hardly an appropriate story for a thirteen year old to be hearing, let alone our daughter.”
Tonks smirked, weaving her arms around his neck, and standing on tiptoes.
“You seemed to think it was quite appropriate at the time.”
“Mmm...Did I now?” He asked, leaning down to place small butterfly kisses on her collarbone. With a slight hitch in her breath, she chuckled deeply.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice all of those times you were staring at my arse.” She mumbled throatily, slipping down into his arms, clutching to the shirt on his chest.
“That wasn’t staring at your arse.”
“I think...it was.” She replied, slightly interrupted by a small gasp when his cold hands found their way under her shirt.
“Trust me, I can show you what staring at your arse really looks like.”
Remus looked down into her eyes, and he was sure he saw the same lustful look mirrored in his own. With a deep and longing sigh, he ran a hand through his nearly grey hair. She grabbed his wrist, pulling him down to her level by pressing on the pressure point.
"You know," she said, a mischievous glint in her turquoise eyes, "I think we still have that leash somewhere..."
A/N: I just wanted give a huge shout out to all of my fans and reviewers. I don't think I would have cranked a story out nearly this long without the encouragement of your comments. :)