Dark Outlook
I was suicidal the day after Thanksgiving. It's been a month and I'm starting to feel the way I did before. The panic attacks are under control but the emptiness never left, and that really is more than I can handle. I lay around on the couch watching TV or stare at the computer screen, and that's pretty much my day. Melody calls a lot, but I seldom pick up the phone. I don't want to hear about her love mangle with her husband, that girl, and that girl's girlfriend. They're all bad for her and she either can't or won't let go. The marriage, in my opinion, never should have been, and I told her that (big step into the scary open for me there), and she kinda agrees but is in no position to leave, which I understand. Still, I can't be expected to deal with all of that and be there for her when I can't help myself, so i told her today that I'm feeling bad again and the medicine has let me down. She felt really bad, but at least now I won't have to hide it from her. She understands,a dn I'm glad. I want frriends but I need sooo much space. It's the paradox of the lonely recluse, which I have always been but never so viciously.
This Friday will be a big day. I'm going with Ben to the conference he's presenting at. I think it has to do with Moby Dick. It'll be at school. Mom'll watch the Farrahsaurus. After that, Autumn and I will hopefully be going to Melody's 25th birthday party at Cheddar's, which is a restaurant. Good times, I hope. I'll dress up so she can be proud of me and say how nice I look. I've been thinking about it all day. I'm excited but scared too. Her freinds are bikers and stuff, all very different from me. She might get drunk and kiss me to show me what it's like. I've always wondered but should have taken care of that in my single days, I suppose.
In late January I'll go back to the doctor, and I'll tell her this isn't enough. I'm not getting better enough to be safe. Institutionalization will keep the suicide speak out of the conversation. That and the fear of losing my girls. It happened to my friend Robin and it was so hard for her to get her son back. I guess it's the big fat Prozac up next for me? I don't know what to expect. I just know I can't remmebr much anymore and that just makes me feel worse. She says no change thus far means the causelies elsewhere. I'm like a senile old person in a young body with arthritis, carpal tunnel, and numb, tingly fingertips. I am a prisoner in my own ugly body. Sometimes I wonder what could make me loathe myself more.
Thanksgiving was nice except for Ben being so sick with strept throat. At least he's FINALLY getting better. I have lapsed on my Wiccan studies, but I'll get back into it this week. I haven't had time for the internet really. I still thought about it, so I wasn't completely leaving spirirtuality out in the cold. I thought about my future altar and even bought two cloths for really cheap for it to personalize later. I think about what I have learned as well as what I want to learn. It's not that big of a lapse, I guess. I just havemn't sat down for an hour a day to build my formal education, that's all. A lot of it can be self-taught anyway. Valerie, my new Wiccan internet friend who lives here in town, is planning a pagan movie night and invited me and the girls. I'm intrigued, nervous, and looking forward to it. Fellowship...
Life isn't all bad. It's the chemicals in my brain mostly, I believe. Rerminds me...I need to take my Lexapro. Could be a big part of today's portion of the funk. It'll get better eventually. It always does. And there are some sun rays in my couds, especially since getting on meds, just not enough yet. It'll get worked out.
This Friday will be a big day. I'm going with Ben to the conference he's presenting at. I think it has to do with Moby Dick. It'll be at school. Mom'll watch the Farrahsaurus. After that, Autumn and I will hopefully be going to Melody's 25th birthday party at Cheddar's, which is a restaurant. Good times, I hope. I'll dress up so she can be proud of me and say how nice I look. I've been thinking about it all day. I'm excited but scared too. Her freinds are bikers and stuff, all very different from me. She might get drunk and kiss me to show me what it's like. I've always wondered but should have taken care of that in my single days, I suppose.
In late January I'll go back to the doctor, and I'll tell her this isn't enough. I'm not getting better enough to be safe. Institutionalization will keep the suicide speak out of the conversation. That and the fear of losing my girls. It happened to my friend Robin and it was so hard for her to get her son back. I guess it's the big fat Prozac up next for me? I don't know what to expect. I just know I can't remmebr much anymore and that just makes me feel worse. She says no change thus far means the causelies elsewhere. I'm like a senile old person in a young body with arthritis, carpal tunnel, and numb, tingly fingertips. I am a prisoner in my own ugly body. Sometimes I wonder what could make me loathe myself more.
Thanksgiving was nice except for Ben being so sick with strept throat. At least he's FINALLY getting better. I have lapsed on my Wiccan studies, but I'll get back into it this week. I haven't had time for the internet really. I still thought about it, so I wasn't completely leaving spirirtuality out in the cold. I thought about my future altar and even bought two cloths for really cheap for it to personalize later. I think about what I have learned as well as what I want to learn. It's not that big of a lapse, I guess. I just havemn't sat down for an hour a day to build my formal education, that's all. A lot of it can be self-taught anyway. Valerie, my new Wiccan internet friend who lives here in town, is planning a pagan movie night and invited me and the girls. I'm intrigued, nervous, and looking forward to it. Fellowship...
Life isn't all bad. It's the chemicals in my brain mostly, I believe. Rerminds me...I need to take my Lexapro. Could be a big part of today's portion of the funk. It'll get better eventually. It always does. And there are some sun rays in my couds, especially since getting on meds, just not enough yet. It'll get worked out.