(no subject)
I'm only writing in this because this is my only journal cliff won't read.
I feel like i have lost sight of the person i fell in love with, or even why i fell in love to begin with. all we do is constant bickering and fighting. sure there are a couple days every few weeks where nothing hurtful is said, but that isn't the majority of the time. and i'm tired, too tired to care anymore. i disagreed with half of the things he was saying on the phone, but i was too tired to object. we keep going around and around about the same things and it gets old repeatig yourself everytime. maybe neither one of u is hearing the other. i'm not sure if he really meant what he said about wanting to break up. i think at this point we are both so ready to be done with fighting that breaking up is the only solution in our mind. yeah, we said we would try and i even said i would never give up trying to make this work, but it comes to a point, a point that i have reached, where you wonder if it is really worth all the energy you are putting into it just to be stressed about it. he says he feels underappreciated and like i only say what he wants to hear to keep him around. i'm pretty honest about my feelings and what i say isn't just to keep him around. but am i postponing this whole break up thing to possibly keep him around? i know i could do it on my own or at least i know my parents would be here to help me out every step of the way if cliff was to leave, but i'm not sure i want to do it on my own even if i could. he says he is very hurt by all my comments i have said in the last month and part of me believes him and wants to break up so he can't say i hurt him anymore, so i don't feel like shit. i also feel like putting a zipper on my mouth and keeping it permantly closed so i don't say the wrong thing. but what kind of relationship is that if you can't be completely honest? i thought that is what relationships were about, honesty, but it hasn't seemed to get me anywhere but in trouble. i tell him how i feel, really feel about things, and it hurts him. would he rather me lie so we can live in this little pretend bubble? at this point, i am not even scared to be without him, i know it sounds harsh, but it would almost be a relief. i would be free from all this arguing and all this analyzing everything i do or say. i would be free from his lack of trust for me and his own insecurities that get pushed onto me. i guess just being here with him isn't enough to make him believe i am happy, that this is what i want. maybe we did rush into things and were foolish to believe two 20 year olds could have a kid, live together, and grow old together. he says his family is his number one priority but doesn't feel like it is mine because i like to go out with friends. am i wrong for going out with friends? last time i checked it was alright for parents to be social outside the home. but i guess because he doesn't think that, that it is wrong of me. we are totally different people when it comes to parenting. he doesn't feel like i am giving 100 percent because i want to have a life still. am i wrong? is he wrong? i don't know anymore and i am tired of trying to figure everything out and make it work. let be what will be.
I feel like i have lost sight of the person i fell in love with, or even why i fell in love to begin with. all we do is constant bickering and fighting. sure there are a couple days every few weeks where nothing hurtful is said, but that isn't the majority of the time. and i'm tired, too tired to care anymore. i disagreed with half of the things he was saying on the phone, but i was too tired to object. we keep going around and around about the same things and it gets old repeatig yourself everytime. maybe neither one of u is hearing the other. i'm not sure if he really meant what he said about wanting to break up. i think at this point we are both so ready to be done with fighting that breaking up is the only solution in our mind. yeah, we said we would try and i even said i would never give up trying to make this work, but it comes to a point, a point that i have reached, where you wonder if it is really worth all the energy you are putting into it just to be stressed about it. he says he feels underappreciated and like i only say what he wants to hear to keep him around. i'm pretty honest about my feelings and what i say isn't just to keep him around. but am i postponing this whole break up thing to possibly keep him around? i know i could do it on my own or at least i know my parents would be here to help me out every step of the way if cliff was to leave, but i'm not sure i want to do it on my own even if i could. he says he is very hurt by all my comments i have said in the last month and part of me believes him and wants to break up so he can't say i hurt him anymore, so i don't feel like shit. i also feel like putting a zipper on my mouth and keeping it permantly closed so i don't say the wrong thing. but what kind of relationship is that if you can't be completely honest? i thought that is what relationships were about, honesty, but it hasn't seemed to get me anywhere but in trouble. i tell him how i feel, really feel about things, and it hurts him. would he rather me lie so we can live in this little pretend bubble? at this point, i am not even scared to be without him, i know it sounds harsh, but it would almost be a relief. i would be free from all this arguing and all this analyzing everything i do or say. i would be free from his lack of trust for me and his own insecurities that get pushed onto me. i guess just being here with him isn't enough to make him believe i am happy, that this is what i want. maybe we did rush into things and were foolish to believe two 20 year olds could have a kid, live together, and grow old together. he says his family is his number one priority but doesn't feel like it is mine because i like to go out with friends. am i wrong for going out with friends? last time i checked it was alright for parents to be social outside the home. but i guess because he doesn't think that, that it is wrong of me. we are totally different people when it comes to parenting. he doesn't feel like i am giving 100 percent because i want to have a life still. am i wrong? is he wrong? i don't know anymore and i am tired of trying to figure everything out and make it work. let be what will be.