(no subject)
tonight has left me wondering, wondering if this is all going to work out in the end. i am sad. sad that i didn't spend new years in orlando with my friends. you never really miss them to the extent i did tonight when you are forced to hang out with friends that aren't yours and people who have known each other forever and have a good time together. i knew i was going to feel like the outsider, but forgot how lonely that felt. i don't remember what i did last new years, but i can assure you it was better than my night tonight.
tonight brought up memories of a night i was at jerrod's apartment. amanda was with me cause we were hanging out then. i had lied to justin about where i was going and he still came and picked my ass up. i didn't deserve to be taken care of. i remember sitting on the bathroom floor with amanda just wanting to go home. i remember trying to crawl across the floor and justin picking me up and carrying me out of the apartment. he tucked me into bed safely when we got home and didn't say a word to me about it. i wonder what he is doing now... when i was in orlando, i drove by and Brandi's car was still there so they haven't moved. but i won't call to find out. that almost seems like a lifetime ago. come to think about it, i was a completely different person then. i was invincible then, strong enough to do anything, to even put up with justin. i miss those days, i miss that person, well at least parts of her. i don't miss the self consumed part, just the care free and strong part.
the truth about what he said tonight is that he can say anything he wants and mean it, it is just getting me to believe it and put my complete trust in him which won't happen. i will always be scared he is leaving me. i have narrowed that down to the three men that have caused me the most pain in my life, by leaving me. i love cliff to death and i want to be with him forever and ever, but that nagging doubt will prevent me from ever being fully content. it's almost like i will be waiting. but i couldn't tell him that tonight cause he seemed so sincere. i wanted to shout from the rooftops to prove it to me, but he expected me to believe whatever was coming from his mouth and completely trust him.
i'm not sure of anything. no one can know where this life will take you and i certainly never expected to be at this point so who knows?
tonight brought up memories of a night i was at jerrod's apartment. amanda was with me cause we were hanging out then. i had lied to justin about where i was going and he still came and picked my ass up. i didn't deserve to be taken care of. i remember sitting on the bathroom floor with amanda just wanting to go home. i remember trying to crawl across the floor and justin picking me up and carrying me out of the apartment. he tucked me into bed safely when we got home and didn't say a word to me about it. i wonder what he is doing now... when i was in orlando, i drove by and Brandi's car was still there so they haven't moved. but i won't call to find out. that almost seems like a lifetime ago. come to think about it, i was a completely different person then. i was invincible then, strong enough to do anything, to even put up with justin. i miss those days, i miss that person, well at least parts of her. i don't miss the self consumed part, just the care free and strong part.
the truth about what he said tonight is that he can say anything he wants and mean it, it is just getting me to believe it and put my complete trust in him which won't happen. i will always be scared he is leaving me. i have narrowed that down to the three men that have caused me the most pain in my life, by leaving me. i love cliff to death and i want to be with him forever and ever, but that nagging doubt will prevent me from ever being fully content. it's almost like i will be waiting. but i couldn't tell him that tonight cause he seemed so sincere. i wanted to shout from the rooftops to prove it to me, but he expected me to believe whatever was coming from his mouth and completely trust him.
i'm not sure of anything. no one can know where this life will take you and i certainly never expected to be at this point so who knows?