The next chapter: Melbourne and the first years of marriage
I remember when Caryn and I decided to move back to Melbourne: we were in Melbourne visiting Tate and Shelly and had gone for a walk toward the city. Stopping at a park seat in the Treasury Gardens, it was a typically brilliant sunny day in Melbourne and Caryn and I were discussing where things were at. Caryn was particularly forceful in her desire to move back to Melbourne, and I was reluctant, not because I didn't want to move back to Melbourne, but because I was worried that the move to Melbourne was more about trying to 'wipe the slate clean & start again', rather than address some of the underlying problems that were going on. If I remember correctly, I think I even said to Caryn that we could move back to Melbourne, but we couldn't 'import the problems as well'. In hindsight, that was great advice we never took heed of.
In the past four and a half years we have bought and set up two houses (well, one apartment and one house), got married, developed very well regarded careers and reputations, struggled to maintain balance in life, lost perspective of each other, had some ferocious arguments, and are now working through a trial separation. If I were to try to remember what some of the problems that I was referring to that day were, they would probably provide some great insight into how things ended up where they are.
One that I was particularly concerned about was health and fitness: if I quote from above, when in Canberra we were "...walking, hat and jackets on, really giving the bird to the Canberra winter and enjoying everything full physical fitness had to offer." We never regained this motivation in Sydney and all throughout our time in Melbourne, despite living less than 150m from a gym. Perhaps most interesting is that it wasn't for a lack of trying on my behalf: I played footy, squash, started riding my bike, working out with Shaun, all sorts of things, but I genuinely never felt like we were getting anywhere with it (and to be honest I blamed Caryn, rather than acknowledging my own shortcomings).
It's funny how this issue has gone on to create significant tension, especially for Caryn. I never quite realised how my framing of the issue was creating undue expectations on her; expectations that she believes she can never live up to. For me it asks of me what I really meant by ‘health & fitness’, and what are other ways I can achieve this outcome?
Another simmering problem was probably our increasing reluctance to genuinely understand what was happening for the other person: I know I felt like Caryn paid less and less attention to what I was doing and was less willing to back down, and in response, I took the same position. I couldn't say which one came first, but suffice to say, it led to a situation where we just argued so we wouldn't lose for the sake of not losing, rather than actually looking at it from the other perspective and committing to compromise for the benefit of each other and the marriage. We were just being led by our individual insecurities.
And no doubt there were more issues then which have gone onto be bigger things now; but that is in the past and the next chapter, which has only just begun, is saving the marriage. Ironically it is so much bigger than 'just saving the marriage' because the lessons I need to learn for my work are very similar, if not identical, to those I need to learn to save the marriage. I'm not really that surprised because if there is one thing I have come to learn in life thus far is that work really has no meaning without the context of the relationships we create in life, and there is no bigger thing in life than undertaking the personal exploration necessary to apologise, compromise and genuinely love, especially if it is to create the relationship which will form the backbone of a lifetime.
The challenges and issues of Caryn and I that we were both acknowledging by that park bench in the Treasury Gardens five years ago (almost to the day) will be the ever-prevailing challenges and issues that impact our lives forever: the difference that needs to be created for the future is the space that exists between us to work together to deal with each issue in a positive way, without destroying each other. For two super independent, strong willed, incredible leaders of people who are not accustomed to sharing the limelight or decision making, this is a big challenge.