(no subject)
I am so sick of my brother and his fucked up life. I am trying to practice loving detachment, however if I don't see him for a long time the happier I'll be. What a asshole, a user, a moralless bastard. Fuck him, fuck Sam and his crazy lying bride.
Ok that felt better. I love my brother, I just hate that he has shown no inkling of concern for my well being in atleast 6 months. It's only when he wants something that he calls. What a loser. Welcome to White trash central.
Went camping and that was wonderful, save for the other campers. Sitting on Lake Michigan was dandy, we all needed a break from the damn house and the goddamn cats.
I'm pregnant, hugely pregnant and sleeping erratically. The midwives think I'm trying to have preterm labor. Christ. I think next weekend (labor day weekend) will be the time that the baby shows herself. Speaking of detachment, I have been quite detached from the baby this pregnancy. Maybe because I have had Miles around so much. I don't feel like I have a relationship with her yet, whereas with Miles I talked to him constantly and from the ultrasounds knew what he looked like kinda. Or maybe not. Maybe I am just too old and cynical
for motherhood. I want this baby and I don't know why I am not brimming with love. It's been a long sometimes harrowing, often uncomfortable pregnancy. My glow was replaced months ago with 'what next??'
I have a big plan to go to the spa downtown on Friday while Miles is at Debs. God my family is mucked up. I believe Deb wonders why I wont be attending my asshole brothers 'reception' (aka ploy for money) on the 21st of September. HELLO, NEWBORN! Or that I think I'll be in labor during her Labor Day party. HELLO dearest donalds white trash smoking relatives. My brother is roasting a pig at his home but it's not his bride. HAHAHAHA! I have been hating Brian more then usual these days. I am pretty much a misery machine, ready to pop this baby out. I hate guilt and relatives who aren't even a little like me, having no one to trust to be there with me during labor except Miles and Brian. I am going to have a short labor, a new baby and I should be more grateful. Its hard to smile all the time when you are in the middle of this big storm of what next, what will happen, i have no one to trust. I guess I do have Brian though he is clueless at times.
Don't tell the midwife but I've started taking evening primrose, they want me to be pregnant forever and I'm ready for another 38 week baby!
I was off celexa for a few days so I gotta remember, it makes me even more cantankerous and unpleasant to be around. I'm glad Miles is going back to school next week, if only for the peace of mind, quietness and the ability to nap. I'll miss him alot too. I'm thinking of homeschooling Lydia. Besides friendships, what else has public schools done for Miles? We teach him more at home then what he gets in a full classroom with more than a couple damaged kids and an underpaid overworked teacher. The best private school is 12k a year. It has a damn good cirriculum, something Miles would love. 12k a year though, wow!
I feel like I need to relax more and let go of stuff. I can't keep lying here in bed thinking about how unloving my brother is, what the birth will be like, the worst is the unknown. I'm ready for the contractions and to see how strong my body is. I can do it and in the end whatever happens I'll have a sweet baby to love and get to know!! I'm blessed, I need to see through the anger and hormonal stuff and really feel that more. Please let me sleep tonight subconcious, this gurl needs all she can get!
Ok that felt better. I love my brother, I just hate that he has shown no inkling of concern for my well being in atleast 6 months. It's only when he wants something that he calls. What a loser. Welcome to White trash central.
Went camping and that was wonderful, save for the other campers. Sitting on Lake Michigan was dandy, we all needed a break from the damn house and the goddamn cats.
I'm pregnant, hugely pregnant and sleeping erratically. The midwives think I'm trying to have preterm labor. Christ. I think next weekend (labor day weekend) will be the time that the baby shows herself. Speaking of detachment, I have been quite detached from the baby this pregnancy. Maybe because I have had Miles around so much. I don't feel like I have a relationship with her yet, whereas with Miles I talked to him constantly and from the ultrasounds knew what he looked like kinda. Or maybe not. Maybe I am just too old and cynical
for motherhood. I want this baby and I don't know why I am not brimming with love. It's been a long sometimes harrowing, often uncomfortable pregnancy. My glow was replaced months ago with 'what next??'
I have a big plan to go to the spa downtown on Friday while Miles is at Debs. God my family is mucked up. I believe Deb wonders why I wont be attending my asshole brothers 'reception' (aka ploy for money) on the 21st of September. HELLO, NEWBORN! Or that I think I'll be in labor during her Labor Day party. HELLO dearest donalds white trash smoking relatives. My brother is roasting a pig at his home but it's not his bride. HAHAHAHA! I have been hating Brian more then usual these days. I am pretty much a misery machine, ready to pop this baby out. I hate guilt and relatives who aren't even a little like me, having no one to trust to be there with me during labor except Miles and Brian. I am going to have a short labor, a new baby and I should be more grateful. Its hard to smile all the time when you are in the middle of this big storm of what next, what will happen, i have no one to trust. I guess I do have Brian though he is clueless at times.
Don't tell the midwife but I've started taking evening primrose, they want me to be pregnant forever and I'm ready for another 38 week baby!
I was off celexa for a few days so I gotta remember, it makes me even more cantankerous and unpleasant to be around. I'm glad Miles is going back to school next week, if only for the peace of mind, quietness and the ability to nap. I'll miss him alot too. I'm thinking of homeschooling Lydia. Besides friendships, what else has public schools done for Miles? We teach him more at home then what he gets in a full classroom with more than a couple damaged kids and an underpaid overworked teacher. The best private school is 12k a year. It has a damn good cirriculum, something Miles would love. 12k a year though, wow!
I feel like I need to relax more and let go of stuff. I can't keep lying here in bed thinking about how unloving my brother is, what the birth will be like, the worst is the unknown. I'm ready for the contractions and to see how strong my body is. I can do it and in the end whatever happens I'll have a sweet baby to love and get to know!! I'm blessed, I need to see through the anger and hormonal stuff and really feel that more. Please let me sleep tonight subconcious, this gurl needs all she can get!