My words are shattered
Dear Journal,
Once again I find myself up late - was not really thinking of anything but again the winds of change come in the fall and I find myself slipping back. I can not explain this summer to anyone it really seems. I know close ones said I physically changed but there was more than that. I so wanted to just do what I was doing - being myself but more important was people being comfortable with me, comfortable with the love I would share. Not talking about sex that is for novices. It was heart connections - it was deep unspeakable love of others where it seemed anything could be shared - clothes, touch, food, smoke, drink, innocence. The relations with friends long thought lost blossomed and old rivals dropped their swords and chariots were brought into circle for a brief relief. Where interactions never thought possible sudden were there like ripe peaches waiting just to be plucked and the juice so sweet felt like honey running through your blood.
Now I feel the cold creeping back in - the heavy sweat like so many steel jacketed bullets running down my back and the fire within exchanged for cold heat of television - reminding me that things are not what they appear anymore. Under cover messages sent back and forth - agendas unspoken but plainly seen through for their true objectives.
Dear universe please let me dream of things not yet passed which give me hope for the future? Provide me comfort during these moments with the wolf at the door in the form of the fall wind - howling to be fed. Please say in your wise and comforting manner that those things which are on the doorstep at this very moment are but an illusion to distract and if only one does not look away but faces boldly will persevere into a most glorious tomorrow. Please give me this in my time of need.
My tank is empty but if going down hill one may coast and maybe even catch a wind at the back - but there is that other part the uphill struggle - the pounding of the heart as you try to make it up to the top again knowing you might not make it out of the forest this time. Those times once you are clear are exhilarating if you believe you will conquer. I just am not so sure at all now. The dogs of obedience always at my heel reminding me if I stumble - if I fail it will be the carnage of ripped flesh to pay.
Tried to put into words what i felt a few moments ago - and has been growing over the past few weeks except to no avail it would appear.
maybe next time I will bake myself a cherry cake with chocolate icing and say dam it all.
Until,
Tony
Once again I find myself up late - was not really thinking of anything but again the winds of change come in the fall and I find myself slipping back. I can not explain this summer to anyone it really seems. I know close ones said I physically changed but there was more than that. I so wanted to just do what I was doing - being myself but more important was people being comfortable with me, comfortable with the love I would share. Not talking about sex that is for novices. It was heart connections - it was deep unspeakable love of others where it seemed anything could be shared - clothes, touch, food, smoke, drink, innocence. The relations with friends long thought lost blossomed and old rivals dropped their swords and chariots were brought into circle for a brief relief. Where interactions never thought possible sudden were there like ripe peaches waiting just to be plucked and the juice so sweet felt like honey running through your blood.
Now I feel the cold creeping back in - the heavy sweat like so many steel jacketed bullets running down my back and the fire within exchanged for cold heat of television - reminding me that things are not what they appear anymore. Under cover messages sent back and forth - agendas unspoken but plainly seen through for their true objectives.
Dear universe please let me dream of things not yet passed which give me hope for the future? Provide me comfort during these moments with the wolf at the door in the form of the fall wind - howling to be fed. Please say in your wise and comforting manner that those things which are on the doorstep at this very moment are but an illusion to distract and if only one does not look away but faces boldly will persevere into a most glorious tomorrow. Please give me this in my time of need.
My tank is empty but if going down hill one may coast and maybe even catch a wind at the back - but there is that other part the uphill struggle - the pounding of the heart as you try to make it up to the top again knowing you might not make it out of the forest this time. Those times once you are clear are exhilarating if you believe you will conquer. I just am not so sure at all now. The dogs of obedience always at my heel reminding me if I stumble - if I fail it will be the carnage of ripped flesh to pay.
Tried to put into words what i felt a few moments ago - and has been growing over the past few weeks except to no avail it would appear.
maybe next time I will bake myself a cherry cake with chocolate icing and say dam it all.
Until,
Tony