Nov 29, 2005 23:37
since when did i become a lush again? maybe it happened when i lost myself. maybe i never got better. the latter is probably more likely. so now my psychiatrist says i have to go to ED support meetings. Either that or weekly weigh in's-which suck hardcore. no matter what they tell me-130 is not the right weight for me. 98 sounds much better. coasting at 120 right now. almost in the teens. listen to me, i am supposed to be an adult and here i am, thinking about a stupid ED i have had since i was 12, something that no matter how hard i try i can not get over. dying of this awful disease scares me, but recovery scares the shit out of me just a little bit more. so what do i do?? keep on lying to psychiatrists like i have become so very good at doing? or tell the truth? being that every single second of every day all i think about is calories and becoming thin. yes, i know people tell me that i am to skinny as i am. but having "body dismorphia" does not aid very much in me beleiving them. i am drunk. so i am gonna jet. this is such nonsense