Modest Mouse
So Corey and I are supposed to move in with Frances and Nick but Nick is being a psycho and Frances isn't handling him very well which is making the situation worse. Not that I would know how to handle what he does, says or how he acts; it's just ridiculous and he is being an ass to solely be an ass. Anyways, it's not looking like that's going to happen since Nick is saying shit like Frances can't sleep in "his" room with him and that she can't move in, blaaah blah blah. So Corey and I are extremely worried that if we move in with them, it will just be shitty and if something happened between them, neither of them would want to leave. & To be perfectly honest, I would rather have Frances stay out of the two of them because she has a job and Nick does not. I understand that Nick used almost all of his money for the deposit, etc but we need a steady income. Not "oh I think I'm getting 200 next week for unemployment". No, we need to know that whoever the someone is that will be staying to say "don't worry about my part of the rent. I know I at least get 200-245 a week". So looks like our plan to move is falling through. WHAT A SURPRISE.
Now on to the part of my life that isn't dealing with moving out:
I miss my high school days. I really do. I don't wish I could go back or alter what I have or who I have in my life now, but I wish I had a reason to see all my friends on a daily basis. I feel so lonely sometimes now that I don't have a job or anything to do besides clean up after people...I mean I have Corey and my romantic life is completely full and I love him and everything to do with him; even his faults. I just don't go out anymore (probably because I have no cash flow, ride, etc) and I never see anyone unless they come over to get weed from Corey. It's probably my fault and somehow I shut everyone out but idk. I've always felt like life has been passing by me since I can remember. I feel like i basically wasted my high school time, like I wasted the time I had with certain friends and the time I had with my family. Now, my family is "disappointed" in me, I'm not in school, I have no job and I feel like a waste of space. Corey even feels like there's no reason to live and I started sobbing because if I can't make him stay then I can't make anyone stay. I am not a good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, useful enough, etc to stay around for. Not for my step parents, not for my boyfriends, not for my dad, not for my sister; not for anyone.
I wish I was more of a contributor to society. I wish I was prettier than the a list stars. I wish I had a talent or skill (all of the "talents" or "skills" I have are half assed, just like everything else I do in my life). I have wasted half of my youth and I can't think of anything else that will haunt me more in the future. I hope I can turn this life thing around and make something of myself. I don't want to be your typical housewife that is only around to clean, have sex with, take of my future children and to be something semi-decent to look at. I want to be more and I hope I find the drive in me to do and be more than who I have made myself out to be so far. Because honestly, I hate me. Good night.
Now on to the part of my life that isn't dealing with moving out:
I miss my high school days. I really do. I don't wish I could go back or alter what I have or who I have in my life now, but I wish I had a reason to see all my friends on a daily basis. I feel so lonely sometimes now that I don't have a job or anything to do besides clean up after people...I mean I have Corey and my romantic life is completely full and I love him and everything to do with him; even his faults. I just don't go out anymore (probably because I have no cash flow, ride, etc) and I never see anyone unless they come over to get weed from Corey. It's probably my fault and somehow I shut everyone out but idk. I've always felt like life has been passing by me since I can remember. I feel like i basically wasted my high school time, like I wasted the time I had with certain friends and the time I had with my family. Now, my family is "disappointed" in me, I'm not in school, I have no job and I feel like a waste of space. Corey even feels like there's no reason to live and I started sobbing because if I can't make him stay then I can't make anyone stay. I am not a good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, useful enough, etc to stay around for. Not for my step parents, not for my boyfriends, not for my dad, not for my sister; not for anyone.
I wish I was more of a contributor to society. I wish I was prettier than the a list stars. I wish I had a talent or skill (all of the "talents" or "skills" I have are half assed, just like everything else I do in my life). I have wasted half of my youth and I can't think of anything else that will haunt me more in the future. I hope I can turn this life thing around and make something of myself. I don't want to be your typical housewife that is only around to clean, have sex with, take of my future children and to be something semi-decent to look at. I want to be more and I hope I find the drive in me to do and be more than who I have made myself out to be so far. Because honestly, I hate me. Good night.