alone in my suffering
I spend my days walking around sad, like I just can't stop feeling disappointed in myself for not achieveing my goals and giving in to my hunger. No it's not even that, it's a huge lack of SELF CONTROL. What is wrong with me??? It feels like I have this black cloud hovering over my head day in and day out. I don't know how to explain it really other than my thoughts are consumed by what goes in and out of my mouth, constant obsessions of being and feeling thin (really thin), running my finger over the bones that I can actually feel, and just pain feeling sad about who I am.
Hence the reason I can't come here and write, I just don't feel worthy. Besides who the heck wants to hear this crap anyway, it gets tiresome...believe me I know!! I am usually not this down and pathetic but I just can't seem to shake this feeling right now, so it's better for all that I limit my pathetic ramblings here! I'm sure I will snap out of it soon?! I hope.:( I don't know how much long I can walk around feeling this way and put on a fake smile...it's wearing on me. I think my hubby can even feel it, but he just won't say anything...like always, he never says anything! Today I am determined to do better! I need to stop failing myself!
There are a few things I should really talk about and get out but I just don't have the energy! I guess I can be brief, since I am already here...?! It's something I am having a lot of trouble communicating because I don't want to feel the way I am feeling about this. After years and years of repressing my feeling around being adopted and the fact that it DID infact affect me in a very REAL way, I am now finding myself trying to fight off all those negative feelings. I am two years into a reunion with my birth parents and family WHY THE HECK IS THIS AFFECTING ME NOW???!! I find myself rejecting them in my own little way or at least pulling away because I have this intense fear of being rejected again. My adopted family rejected me in many ways and to this day I am STILL hurting over the emotional abuse from my adopted mother. But hey instead of hurting her, I have chosen to hurt myself instead...makes sense huh?! Yeah I thought so too! Anyway I have some pretty big "issues" over her, that I really prefer not to re live or allow myself to think about!! Yikes it's scary what's inside this head, evey psychiatrist's dream! Along with all that, I seem to be more consumed by this right now than I have been for awhile! It's always an on going cycle for me, the voices are loud right now. Maybe I just need 'it' right now, this is and always has been my coping mechanism and right now I NEED to cope. It's more intense when I am hurting or stuggling...heh that is pretty much ALWAYS!! There are times when I can silence the voices but I can't right now.
I'm really nervous right now too, cause my best friend has taken it upon himself to CARE, yah that's right "care about ME". Which scares the CRAP out of me! He knew I was hurting but I couldn't really communicate it so he was giving me my 'space'...sometimes that is the LAST thing people like me need, is our 'space'!! Anyway then I started to feel bad for leaving him out because he has ALWAYS been there for me thru it ALL! So I tried to write it all down for him, it was all about the feelings I am struggling with about me adoption and relinquishment and the negative feelings I have never allowed myself to feel because I didn't feel I had any right to be angry!! Besides he knows all about my ED struggles, he is the ONLY one that has been able to get me to talk about that, so I didn't think he needed to hear it again! When I had coffee with him the other day he brought it up and said "I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I thought why don't we fly somewhere and see one of these Dr's that write these books, that way it would be someone you respect! Or even someone who specializes in adoption, one of the authors that you have read about!?" "You know me I dream BIG!" YEAH RIGHT, he sure does think big...too big and now I feel afraid, I don't want to see anyone! I'm not ready, I'm now where I need to be let's just deal with the other crap??! I know nothing will come of it, it never does, nobody cares THAT much about me!
"I am surrounded by a sea of people, yet I still feel alone!"
x-posted to my community
Hence the reason I can't come here and write, I just don't feel worthy. Besides who the heck wants to hear this crap anyway, it gets tiresome...believe me I know!! I am usually not this down and pathetic but I just can't seem to shake this feeling right now, so it's better for all that I limit my pathetic ramblings here! I'm sure I will snap out of it soon?! I hope.:( I don't know how much long I can walk around feeling this way and put on a fake smile...it's wearing on me. I think my hubby can even feel it, but he just won't say anything...like always, he never says anything! Today I am determined to do better! I need to stop failing myself!
There are a few things I should really talk about and get out but I just don't have the energy! I guess I can be brief, since I am already here...?! It's something I am having a lot of trouble communicating because I don't want to feel the way I am feeling about this. After years and years of repressing my feeling around being adopted and the fact that it DID infact affect me in a very REAL way, I am now finding myself trying to fight off all those negative feelings. I am two years into a reunion with my birth parents and family WHY THE HECK IS THIS AFFECTING ME NOW???!! I find myself rejecting them in my own little way or at least pulling away because I have this intense fear of being rejected again. My adopted family rejected me in many ways and to this day I am STILL hurting over the emotional abuse from my adopted mother. But hey instead of hurting her, I have chosen to hurt myself instead...makes sense huh?! Yeah I thought so too! Anyway I have some pretty big "issues" over her, that I really prefer not to re live or allow myself to think about!! Yikes it's scary what's inside this head, evey psychiatrist's dream! Along with all that, I seem to be more consumed by this right now than I have been for awhile! It's always an on going cycle for me, the voices are loud right now. Maybe I just need 'it' right now, this is and always has been my coping mechanism and right now I NEED to cope. It's more intense when I am hurting or stuggling...heh that is pretty much ALWAYS!! There are times when I can silence the voices but I can't right now.
I'm really nervous right now too, cause my best friend has taken it upon himself to CARE, yah that's right "care about ME". Which scares the CRAP out of me! He knew I was hurting but I couldn't really communicate it so he was giving me my 'space'...sometimes that is the LAST thing people like me need, is our 'space'!! Anyway then I started to feel bad for leaving him out because he has ALWAYS been there for me thru it ALL! So I tried to write it all down for him, it was all about the feelings I am struggling with about me adoption and relinquishment and the negative feelings I have never allowed myself to feel because I didn't feel I had any right to be angry!! Besides he knows all about my ED struggles, he is the ONLY one that has been able to get me to talk about that, so I didn't think he needed to hear it again! When I had coffee with him the other day he brought it up and said "I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I thought why don't we fly somewhere and see one of these Dr's that write these books, that way it would be someone you respect! Or even someone who specializes in adoption, one of the authors that you have read about!?" "You know me I dream BIG!" YEAH RIGHT, he sure does think big...too big and now I feel afraid, I don't want to see anyone! I'm not ready, I'm now where I need to be let's just deal with the other crap??! I know nothing will come of it, it never does, nobody cares THAT much about me!
"I am surrounded by a sea of people, yet I still feel alone!"
x-posted to my community