Stand Back, I'm Going to Blink!
I have something every woman wants. Oh yeah, I'm the man! Yes, I have eyelashes that won't stop growing. That's not because I was born with the long eyelash gene, it's because I have been cultivating them for the past three years. It all started when I was diagnosed with glaucoma in not one, but both eyes. It's an optic nerve disorder that causes pressures to build up in the eye and as I understand it, without treatment I'd probably have to learn Braille. That's not something I want to learn in the immediate future so when my opthamologist prescribed a drug in the form of eye drops to reduce the pressures, I didn't see I had much choice.
The pharmacist took me aside to ask if I'd ever used Lumigan. No, I've never put anything in my eyes since I stopped wearing contact lens thirty years ago. He didn't quite see the humour in that as he proceeded to tell me the side effects of this wonder eye drop medication. "It can cause blue or green pupils to turn brown," he said matter-of-factly. "Not a problem, mine are brown. Next?" "These eye drops can turn the skin brown around your eyes after prolonged use." Oh great, like I don't have enough problems looking like I'm carrying two large brown suitcases under my eyes. "It may not happen to you but it has been known to occur," he continued. Okay, I'll be prepared to look like a raccoon in about six months. Still he didn't laugh. I don't think pharmacists have a sense of humour. Surely there is a drug he could find in his little white shelves that would loosen him up.
Then came the clincher. "Lumigan will make your eyelashes grow and thicken." That's just what I wanted to hear. I have more hair growing out of my ears and my nose now that I'm a senior than I have growing on my head and he just told me my eyelashes are going to grow. Just great! "Will it work on bald heads?" I asked. The pharmacist actually smiled a faint smile. He was human after all!
So the lashes of a super model began to grow on the eyes of a senior Troll. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary until one day blinking became problematic. My lashes were scraping against the inside of my glasses. It became so annoying that finally I tried not to blink so often. Impossible remedy! I decided to wear my glasses further down on my nose. It made me look professorial, rather distinguished, but more blind. After a few weeks it became downright irritating. I was sweeping the inside of my glasses every time I blinked. Maybe if they grew long enough I could just comb them over my forehead. They became so long and bushy that I felt that I had to warn people. "Stand back, I'm going to blink."
My opthamologist recommended having my eyelashes trimmed about every six weeks. Now who has ever heard of anybody doing eyelash trimming? Just lately the miracle drug in Lumigan is now being sold as Latisse at cosmetic counters across Canada for $160 an ounce. Women are paying dearly for the wonder lashes of the rich and famous while I seek out a specialist who will trim my lashes so I can blink without knocking ornaments off shelves. I still think this super drug could also be a hidden cure for baldness. I'm willing to be the experimental guinea pig!
Footnote: It's an interesting phenomenon. This drug used for glaucoma was discovered (totally by accident) to darken, lengthen and thicken eyelashes. It was also a rewarding happy accident men discovered when they took cheap cialis for hypertension as it raised some interesting side effects too. I wonder what the next drug will be to have a side effect that can be bottled for resale. When I discover it, I'll let you know.