Talking to a Closed Door
Tonight was the culmination of so more than I could ever have imagined. And now that it is all said and done, I must admit it was very cathartic.
It started as so many nights have: with me going to bed at 10pm. At some point before the 2am hour the texts started to roll in. As much as I wanted to turn my phone off (or at least put it on silent) every night when I went to bed, I couldn't. I couldn't because I never knew when he'd call or text. And like a good boy I'd do whatever he said - whether it was me going to him or him coming to me; more often the former despite my added responsibility of having a dog. He never seemed to care that I had to be home more, or that I couldn't stay all night and most of the next day; he only ever cared about himself.
So he was texting me and I was responding. The first text woke me up. I would fall back asleep in between texts. Only to be woken back up with each incoming text. Then, as he has often done, he pulled a dick move. As 2am hit he stopped texting. No "good bye" or "I'll talk to you later," just nothing. He knows this drives me crazy - especially because this is the third time he's done this in the past week. Before I knew it I'm unable to control my emotions.
I'm so upset I start calling him. And I don't mean calling and waiting a while and calling back. No. I mean calling and getting his voice mail and then hanging up and calling him right back. This went on for a good while. During this time I proceeded to get dressed and start driving over to his house. While en route he finally answers and an argument ensues. He hangs up on me (which he knows I really hate). I keep calling him. He keeps not answering. When I do finally get a hold of him I ask him point blank if he is bringing a guy back to his place. He says he's not. I demand that he say, "I am not bringing a guy back to my place," and he can't. He hangs up. Continuous calling ensues until he answers again and then states that he isn't bringing a guy back to his place. At this point I'm sitting in his parking lot. I watch as he parks. I get out of my car and walk up to his only to see that there is a guy sitting in the passenger seat. I slam my hand on his trunk, jump back in my car, and take off.
I'm so angry at this point it would be impossible to control my emotions. As I'm driving home I keep leaving crazy voice mails about how I never want to talk to him again. About how this was too much; a real dick thing to do. About how I caught him in his lie. He doesn't respond. Then I send him a text saying I'm going to tell the boyfriend of the guy in the car (because I thought I knew who it was). This gets him to respond. He calls, tells me he can't handle me right now, and that the guy in the car was not the guy I thought it was and that it was in fact his really good friend. I say that it didn't look like his friend to me, but he assures me it was.
Continuing as a crazy person I turn my car around and head right back to his place. As I walk up the stairs to his door I hear him and another guy talking. It doesn't sound like his friend. When I knock they both go dead silent. After a minute I speak. I tell them I just wanted to say hi to his friend; I just wanted to see him and verify that it was indeed his friend. They refuse to open the door. So, I proceed to sit outside the door for about 40 minutes or so. I told them I could hear what they were saying and they moved from the living room. After a while I guess they thought I left because they came back out into the living room and I could hear them talking - saying how hot they thought each other were and talking about their underwear (which made it apparent that they were only wearing underwear). I pound on the door again and they realize I'm still there. At this point the friend is threatening to hit me. I tell him he is more than allowed to; that all I want to do is meet him. Because, if he really is who he is suppose to be, there is no need not to introduce me to him.
They go back into the bedroom. At this point I'm less angry. At this point my pride is hurt. At this point I'm freezing. At this point all I want to do is be done with him. At this point I decide this is the point I'm done. At this point I walk to my car and drove home.
He said he loved me. He said so yesterday. We fucked twice over the weekend. He said if I could change we stood a chance of being a "we" again. But that was the problem; the same problem we had over summer when we tried to make it work again. He said I had to change. When I said he had to change he said he didn't. Over the summer he said it was my fault the relationship ended and that I had to change to make the relationship work. This time around he said I had to prove to him that I loved him, that he could trust me, that I wanted us to work. He asked me to delete my Adam4Adam account and I did. He asked me to stop talking to certain people and I did. I was trying so hard to prove to him that I wanted us to work. He didn't think he had to change his behavior though. He still went out partying all the time. He still hooked-up with whomever he wanted. When I tried to call him out about it he didn't want to hear it. He would just say that he had nothing to prove, that I was the one that had something to prove to him.
His refusal to be honest with me. His refusal to own up to the fact that I caught him in a lie. His refusal to open the door. All of these things told me he didn't really love me. You don't do those things to someone you love.
Driving away I called my best friend. It was 4am my time, but thankfully she was in Florida on business so it was 7am her time and she was already up and ready to go to work. I told her about my craziness. We laughed about it. We compared stories - she having gotten out of a 7+ year relationship just 2 or so years ago. We bonded over how similar we really are. As I drove, and laughed, I felt lighter and lighter. My best friend gave me some sage advice, wisdom she gained during her breakup. By the time I got home I was resolved to be done with him.
Still somewhat emotional, and I'll acknowledge childish, I went onto Facebook and deleted the last few friends of his that were still friends of mine. I also changed my privacy settings to insanely restrictive. I also deleted our message thread on Facebook and on my phone. I thought about deleting his number, but I know it by heart so that would be pointless. The last thing I did was go onto Netflix and change my Netflix password and deactivated all devices. Letting him use my Netflix account was the last thing that kept us connected. By cutting that link we now have nothing connecting us. He is now free to go and fuck whomever he wants; as am I. Although, as I said in my last post, I really don't want a relationship and I'm not really in the mood for random fucking.
Despite all the setbacks, I'm happy with my progress. There have been some major setbacks; times when all I want to do is make it work with him. But ultimately, in the end, this isn't a possibility. Communication has been severed. I need to focus on myself. I need to finish my comps (written and oral). I need to hang out with friends (Phoenix next weekend, California the next). I need to allow myself to be alone and to grow. I need to recognize that while I wasn't perfect over the last 4 years, neither was he and the thought that only I have something to prove, or that only I should change, will not result in a stable and satisfying relationship. We both deserve better than that. We both deserve partners we can trust and who trust us. He and I have drastically different relationship styles and despite our best attempts, they are not compatible.
I'm optimistic for the future and excited to think that some day I'll meet the man I'm suppose to be with... This last sentence gives me pause because it means that the man I'm suppose to be with is not yet in my life. What this means is that I need to clarify my relationship with a few people so as not to lead them on. I'll write about them another time.
It started as so many nights have: with me going to bed at 10pm. At some point before the 2am hour the texts started to roll in. As much as I wanted to turn my phone off (or at least put it on silent) every night when I went to bed, I couldn't. I couldn't because I never knew when he'd call or text. And like a good boy I'd do whatever he said - whether it was me going to him or him coming to me; more often the former despite my added responsibility of having a dog. He never seemed to care that I had to be home more, or that I couldn't stay all night and most of the next day; he only ever cared about himself.
So he was texting me and I was responding. The first text woke me up. I would fall back asleep in between texts. Only to be woken back up with each incoming text. Then, as he has often done, he pulled a dick move. As 2am hit he stopped texting. No "good bye" or "I'll talk to you later," just nothing. He knows this drives me crazy - especially because this is the third time he's done this in the past week. Before I knew it I'm unable to control my emotions.
I'm so upset I start calling him. And I don't mean calling and waiting a while and calling back. No. I mean calling and getting his voice mail and then hanging up and calling him right back. This went on for a good while. During this time I proceeded to get dressed and start driving over to his house. While en route he finally answers and an argument ensues. He hangs up on me (which he knows I really hate). I keep calling him. He keeps not answering. When I do finally get a hold of him I ask him point blank if he is bringing a guy back to his place. He says he's not. I demand that he say, "I am not bringing a guy back to my place," and he can't. He hangs up. Continuous calling ensues until he answers again and then states that he isn't bringing a guy back to his place. At this point I'm sitting in his parking lot. I watch as he parks. I get out of my car and walk up to his only to see that there is a guy sitting in the passenger seat. I slam my hand on his trunk, jump back in my car, and take off.
I'm so angry at this point it would be impossible to control my emotions. As I'm driving home I keep leaving crazy voice mails about how I never want to talk to him again. About how this was too much; a real dick thing to do. About how I caught him in his lie. He doesn't respond. Then I send him a text saying I'm going to tell the boyfriend of the guy in the car (because I thought I knew who it was). This gets him to respond. He calls, tells me he can't handle me right now, and that the guy in the car was not the guy I thought it was and that it was in fact his really good friend. I say that it didn't look like his friend to me, but he assures me it was.
Continuing as a crazy person I turn my car around and head right back to his place. As I walk up the stairs to his door I hear him and another guy talking. It doesn't sound like his friend. When I knock they both go dead silent. After a minute I speak. I tell them I just wanted to say hi to his friend; I just wanted to see him and verify that it was indeed his friend. They refuse to open the door. So, I proceed to sit outside the door for about 40 minutes or so. I told them I could hear what they were saying and they moved from the living room. After a while I guess they thought I left because they came back out into the living room and I could hear them talking - saying how hot they thought each other were and talking about their underwear (which made it apparent that they were only wearing underwear). I pound on the door again and they realize I'm still there. At this point the friend is threatening to hit me. I tell him he is more than allowed to; that all I want to do is meet him. Because, if he really is who he is suppose to be, there is no need not to introduce me to him.
They go back into the bedroom. At this point I'm less angry. At this point my pride is hurt. At this point I'm freezing. At this point all I want to do is be done with him. At this point I decide this is the point I'm done. At this point I walk to my car and drove home.
He said he loved me. He said so yesterday. We fucked twice over the weekend. He said if I could change we stood a chance of being a "we" again. But that was the problem; the same problem we had over summer when we tried to make it work again. He said I had to change. When I said he had to change he said he didn't. Over the summer he said it was my fault the relationship ended and that I had to change to make the relationship work. This time around he said I had to prove to him that I loved him, that he could trust me, that I wanted us to work. He asked me to delete my Adam4Adam account and I did. He asked me to stop talking to certain people and I did. I was trying so hard to prove to him that I wanted us to work. He didn't think he had to change his behavior though. He still went out partying all the time. He still hooked-up with whomever he wanted. When I tried to call him out about it he didn't want to hear it. He would just say that he had nothing to prove, that I was the one that had something to prove to him.
His refusal to be honest with me. His refusal to own up to the fact that I caught him in a lie. His refusal to open the door. All of these things told me he didn't really love me. You don't do those things to someone you love.
Driving away I called my best friend. It was 4am my time, but thankfully she was in Florida on business so it was 7am her time and she was already up and ready to go to work. I told her about my craziness. We laughed about it. We compared stories - she having gotten out of a 7+ year relationship just 2 or so years ago. We bonded over how similar we really are. As I drove, and laughed, I felt lighter and lighter. My best friend gave me some sage advice, wisdom she gained during her breakup. By the time I got home I was resolved to be done with him.
Still somewhat emotional, and I'll acknowledge childish, I went onto Facebook and deleted the last few friends of his that were still friends of mine. I also changed my privacy settings to insanely restrictive. I also deleted our message thread on Facebook and on my phone. I thought about deleting his number, but I know it by heart so that would be pointless. The last thing I did was go onto Netflix and change my Netflix password and deactivated all devices. Letting him use my Netflix account was the last thing that kept us connected. By cutting that link we now have nothing connecting us. He is now free to go and fuck whomever he wants; as am I. Although, as I said in my last post, I really don't want a relationship and I'm not really in the mood for random fucking.
Despite all the setbacks, I'm happy with my progress. There have been some major setbacks; times when all I want to do is make it work with him. But ultimately, in the end, this isn't a possibility. Communication has been severed. I need to focus on myself. I need to finish my comps (written and oral). I need to hang out with friends (Phoenix next weekend, California the next). I need to allow myself to be alone and to grow. I need to recognize that while I wasn't perfect over the last 4 years, neither was he and the thought that only I have something to prove, or that only I should change, will not result in a stable and satisfying relationship. We both deserve better than that. We both deserve partners we can trust and who trust us. He and I have drastically different relationship styles and despite our best attempts, they are not compatible.
I'm optimistic for the future and excited to think that some day I'll meet the man I'm suppose to be with... This last sentence gives me pause because it means that the man I'm suppose to be with is not yet in my life. What this means is that I need to clarify my relationship with a few people so as not to lead them on. I'll write about them another time.