There is no center.
Had lunch with an old friend from back in my Friendship Christian School days. His name is Jonathan and he and I were very close. Close in the way that we could have maybe even found ourselves in a relationship but for the fact that we ended up debating theology half the time.
Even when I was closely involved with the scripture and church of Modern Christianity (capital M, capital C), I was not conventional. My father taught me too well to think for myself. I won't say that it was the case for Jonathan, but I know the concept of a woman that had her own ideas about God was intimidating to a lot of men, and I was content knowing that God would provide me with someone that would understand me and respect my views. God did, by the way, even though it took a really long time, but that's ok.
The first half of the lunch with Jonathan and his wife and children was lovely. We had a great time catching up and learning what we'd been up to since we last spoke back in 1998. He's got a great wife who's really funny and smart and his children are adorable.
The last half of the lunch began with his question, "So where do you and your husband go to church?" and I replied honestly, "We don't."
It was essentially a replay of those long conversations during lunch, debating the finer points of theology, except the stakes had changed. Now it wasn't simply a matter of understanding God's will within a Christian life, but my soul was on the line, to him I suppose. I knew this conversation would probably take place when he contacted me through facebook. A few years ago when my crisis of faith was taking place and shifting the way I thought of myself and God and my fellow creations, and existence itself, I was horrified of ever having to confess this horrible news to anyone that ever known or loved me.
I no longer feel that way. It's just a part of the story of myself as I learn about the world around me and the Creator that presided over its beginning, its present condition and its end. Which is all the same thing to a Being outside of time, of course.
I met Jonathan's questions with confidence at my own position that all of existence is part of God and while we may be separated from understanding the Infinite, we are all part of that Infinite. I was sad because I remember what that felt like to believe so surely that this scripture is the only truth and if my friend doesn't believe it, she is lost. I remember that feeling poignantly and it is heart breaking. Because what that means is eternal damnation to a believer of Modern Christianity as it is practiced in America today, and I knew that this was part of what Jonathan was feeling as he made his very disappointed face.
For his part, he did struggle to understand my position, but he failed to ultimately grasp it. I don't think it's for lack of trying. He simply believes that the scripture of the Holy Bible is the only truth and it is infallible, to be taken literally and without question. Beliefs such as mine have no place in his view of the Creator.
I believe there is no thing that man can write or say about God that is unequivocally true, other than to repeat the words "I AM." All else is a grasping. You can see it and know that it's there and feel its warmth, but you'll never be able to explain it in full.
We parted amicably and we have each others' emails to ostensibly continue the conversation online. I know he will probably pray for me and my return to the fold. It doesn't bother me. It's an honor to be prayed for. I feel, keenly, the beauty in his concern. It's the care of one human being for another, and God is present in that, too. Even if Jonathan doesn't believe I hear it, God speaks to me, and I feel that presence, and am given peace.
Even when I was closely involved with the scripture and church of Modern Christianity (capital M, capital C), I was not conventional. My father taught me too well to think for myself. I won't say that it was the case for Jonathan, but I know the concept of a woman that had her own ideas about God was intimidating to a lot of men, and I was content knowing that God would provide me with someone that would understand me and respect my views. God did, by the way, even though it took a really long time, but that's ok.
The first half of the lunch with Jonathan and his wife and children was lovely. We had a great time catching up and learning what we'd been up to since we last spoke back in 1998. He's got a great wife who's really funny and smart and his children are adorable.
The last half of the lunch began with his question, "So where do you and your husband go to church?" and I replied honestly, "We don't."
It was essentially a replay of those long conversations during lunch, debating the finer points of theology, except the stakes had changed. Now it wasn't simply a matter of understanding God's will within a Christian life, but my soul was on the line, to him I suppose. I knew this conversation would probably take place when he contacted me through facebook. A few years ago when my crisis of faith was taking place and shifting the way I thought of myself and God and my fellow creations, and existence itself, I was horrified of ever having to confess this horrible news to anyone that ever known or loved me.
I no longer feel that way. It's just a part of the story of myself as I learn about the world around me and the Creator that presided over its beginning, its present condition and its end. Which is all the same thing to a Being outside of time, of course.
I met Jonathan's questions with confidence at my own position that all of existence is part of God and while we may be separated from understanding the Infinite, we are all part of that Infinite. I was sad because I remember what that felt like to believe so surely that this scripture is the only truth and if my friend doesn't believe it, she is lost. I remember that feeling poignantly and it is heart breaking. Because what that means is eternal damnation to a believer of Modern Christianity as it is practiced in America today, and I knew that this was part of what Jonathan was feeling as he made his very disappointed face.
For his part, he did struggle to understand my position, but he failed to ultimately grasp it. I don't think it's for lack of trying. He simply believes that the scripture of the Holy Bible is the only truth and it is infallible, to be taken literally and without question. Beliefs such as mine have no place in his view of the Creator.
I believe there is no thing that man can write or say about God that is unequivocally true, other than to repeat the words "I AM." All else is a grasping. You can see it and know that it's there and feel its warmth, but you'll never be able to explain it in full.
We parted amicably and we have each others' emails to ostensibly continue the conversation online. I know he will probably pray for me and my return to the fold. It doesn't bother me. It's an honor to be prayed for. I feel, keenly, the beauty in his concern. It's the care of one human being for another, and God is present in that, too. Even if Jonathan doesn't believe I hear it, God speaks to me, and I feel that presence, and am given peace.