Twilight: I am officially two movies behind now...
Ok, let's pick up the pace. I'd like to get through this behemoth before Eclipse Breaking Dawn comes out. (Nooooooooo!!1) We'll have to skip the moderately stupid stuff and just hit the highlights.
And yet... I can't resist:
"But what would I do without you[, Bella]?"
"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence[, Edward]."
He sighed. "You make that sound so easy."
"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."
He was about to argue, but then he let it go. (21)
Oh, BURN! Sometimes I almost suspect Meyer has a sense of humor and self-awareness. Not often, though.
Okay, so, there's actual plot here. Somewhere.
After all Bella's "Oh noes, birthdays mean WRINKLES and ATTENTION!!" emo, she gets dragged (fairly literally) to her big fancy birthday party at the Cullens' house, with all Edward's "brothers" and "sisters." While opening her (expensive) presents, she gets a papercut:
A single drop of blood oozed from the tiny cut.
It all happened very quickly then.
"No!" Edward roared.
He threw himself at me, flinging me back across the table. It fell, as I did, scattering the cake and the presents, the flowers and the plates. I landed in the mess of shattered crystal. [Because the Cullens' is just one of those places that has crystal laying around everywhere.]
Jasper slammed into Edward, and the sound was like the crash of boulders in a rockslide. [CLONK!]
There was another noise, a grisly snarling that seemed to be coming from deep in Jasper's chest. Jasper tried to shove past Edward, snapping his teeth just inches from Edward's face. (28-29)
Is being a teenager really this melodramatic? Am I remembering it wrong? A PAPERCUT??
*
Edward's face was whiter than bone [as opposed to his usual... tan?] as he wheeled to crouch over me, taking a clearly defensive position. A low warning growl slid from beneath his clenched teeth. I could tell that he wasn't breathing. (30)
Um, sorry to rain on your faulty biology, Meyer, but it is physically impossible to growl without moving air through your lungs. Not that vampires really need to breathe anyway? Sigh. (<-- also breathing!!)
*
Okay, past the teen angst, on to... religion? Bwuh? So, Carlisle is the patriarch of the Cullen "family," and the vampire who originally turned Edward. He has a day job as a doctor at a hospital, because he has just that much self-control around blood. He is a sainted blond vegetarian who can do no wrong. As he removes all the crystal shrapnel from Bella, they chat about original sin bloodlust:
Bella: "You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault.... What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good."
"I don't know that I'm making up for anything," [Carlisle] disagreed lightly. "Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given." (35)
Hmmm. So... Meyer is describing the Fallen State of Man as vampirism? And to fight our sinful urges we should all become vegetarians (who eat deer! raw! with our hands!) and oppress our girlfriends?
Carlisle: "You know my father was a clergyman.... He had a rather harsh view of the world, which I was already beginning to question before the time that I changed.... So I didn't agree with my father's particular brand of faith. But never, in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born, have I ever seen anthing to make me doubt whether God exists in some form or the other. Not even the reflection in the mirror."
(re: mirrors: OKAY, IS MEYER JUST MAKING FUN OF HOW UN-VAMPIRIC HER VAMPIRES ARE NOW???)
"I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire.... But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit," he continued in an offhand voice. "By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying." (36-37)
What an odd little speech for a Meyer vampire. It gets odder when we get to Bella's religious views:
My own life was fairly devoid of belief. Charlie considered himself a Lutheran, because that's what his parents had been, but Sundays he worshipped by the river with a fishing pole in his hand. Renee tried out a church now and then, but, much like her brief affairs with tennis, pottery, yoga, and French classes, she moved on by the time I was aware of her newest fad. (36)
So Bella is a vague agnostic, and Carlisle is presumably some sort of liberal-ish Christian. Not quite what I would've expected from Meyer. I wonder how much of that was present in her original conception of the series, and how much changed with the influence of her editor? (I'm guessing a hardcore Mormon heroine would be expected by editors to have less of a mainstream appeal to the average teen. But who knows how mainstream Meyer and her editor thought these books would get?) I'm surprised that someone who believes that caffeinated drinks get between you and God would create an agnostic Mary-Sue, but... maybe I shouldn't be? Maybe Meyer fantasizes about secularism and cliff-diving and motorcyles? (Just wait! They're coming!) Or maybe it's something else...
I couldn't imagine anyone, deity included, who wouldn't be impressed by Carlisle. Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward. (37)
Oh, wait, Bella isn't an agnostic, she's an EDWARDTHEIST. Thou shalt have no other god before Edward! Hang on, let's look at the above article again:
An observant Mormon, [Meyer] doesn't drink alcohol and has never seen an R-rated movie. She's not perfect--although Mormons avoid caffeine on principle, she drinks the occasional cherry Diet Pepsi. "It's about keeping yourself free of addictions," she explains... "We have free will, which is a huge gift from God. If you tie that up with something like, I don't know, cocaine, then you don't really have a lot of freedom anymore."
But... isn't Twilight all about addiction?? Isn't Bella Edward's favorite brand of heroin?? And isn't that put on a pedestal as the perfect twu wuv?? I would say this story is headed for an epic tragedy, but... I already know it's not. (At least, not a self-aware tragedy...) What's going on here??
*
Okay, gotta get up early tomorrow.
Next time: THE BREAKUP!!!1!
Current People Who Are Better At Being Mormon Than Meyer: Brandon Flowers - "Crossfire"
And yet... I can't resist:
"But what would I do without you[, Bella]?"
"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence[, Edward]."
He sighed. "You make that sound so easy."
"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."
He was about to argue, but then he let it go. (21)
Oh, BURN! Sometimes I almost suspect Meyer has a sense of humor and self-awareness. Not often, though.
Okay, so, there's actual plot here. Somewhere.
After all Bella's "Oh noes, birthdays mean WRINKLES and ATTENTION!!" emo, she gets dragged (fairly literally) to her big fancy birthday party at the Cullens' house, with all Edward's "brothers" and "sisters." While opening her (expensive) presents, she gets a papercut:
A single drop of blood oozed from the tiny cut.
It all happened very quickly then.
"No!" Edward roared.
He threw himself at me, flinging me back across the table. It fell, as I did, scattering the cake and the presents, the flowers and the plates. I landed in the mess of shattered crystal. [Because the Cullens' is just one of those places that has crystal laying around everywhere.]
Jasper slammed into Edward, and the sound was like the crash of boulders in a rockslide. [CLONK!]
There was another noise, a grisly snarling that seemed to be coming from deep in Jasper's chest. Jasper tried to shove past Edward, snapping his teeth just inches from Edward's face. (28-29)
Is being a teenager really this melodramatic? Am I remembering it wrong? A PAPERCUT??
*
Edward's face was whiter than bone [as opposed to his usual... tan?] as he wheeled to crouch over me, taking a clearly defensive position. A low warning growl slid from beneath his clenched teeth. I could tell that he wasn't breathing. (30)
Um, sorry to rain on your faulty biology, Meyer, but it is physically impossible to growl without moving air through your lungs. Not that vampires really need to breathe anyway? Sigh. (<-- also breathing!!)
*
Okay, past the teen angst, on to... religion? Bwuh? So, Carlisle is the patriarch of the Cullen "family," and the vampire who originally turned Edward. He has a day job as a doctor at a hospital, because he has just that much self-control around blood. He is a sainted blond vegetarian who can do no wrong. As he removes all the crystal shrapnel from Bella, they chat about original sin bloodlust:
Bella: "You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault.... What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good."
"I don't know that I'm making up for anything," [Carlisle] disagreed lightly. "Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given." (35)
Hmmm. So... Meyer is describing the Fallen State of Man as vampirism? And to fight our sinful urges we should all become vegetarians (who eat deer! raw! with our hands!) and oppress our girlfriends?
Carlisle: "You know my father was a clergyman.... He had a rather harsh view of the world, which I was already beginning to question before the time that I changed.... So I didn't agree with my father's particular brand of faith. But never, in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born, have I ever seen anthing to make me doubt whether God exists in some form or the other. Not even the reflection in the mirror."
(re: mirrors: OKAY, IS MEYER JUST MAKING FUN OF HOW UN-VAMPIRIC HER VAMPIRES ARE NOW???)
"I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire.... But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit," he continued in an offhand voice. "By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying." (36-37)
What an odd little speech for a Meyer vampire. It gets odder when we get to Bella's religious views:
My own life was fairly devoid of belief. Charlie considered himself a Lutheran, because that's what his parents had been, but Sundays he worshipped by the river with a fishing pole in his hand. Renee tried out a church now and then, but, much like her brief affairs with tennis, pottery, yoga, and French classes, she moved on by the time I was aware of her newest fad. (36)
So Bella is a vague agnostic, and Carlisle is presumably some sort of liberal-ish Christian. Not quite what I would've expected from Meyer. I wonder how much of that was present in her original conception of the series, and how much changed with the influence of her editor? (I'm guessing a hardcore Mormon heroine would be expected by editors to have less of a mainstream appeal to the average teen. But who knows how mainstream Meyer and her editor thought these books would get?) I'm surprised that someone who believes that caffeinated drinks get between you and God would create an agnostic Mary-Sue, but... maybe I shouldn't be? Maybe Meyer fantasizes about secularism and cliff-diving and motorcyles? (Just wait! They're coming!) Or maybe it's something else...
I couldn't imagine anyone, deity included, who wouldn't be impressed by Carlisle. Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward. (37)
Oh, wait, Bella isn't an agnostic, she's an EDWARDTHEIST. Thou shalt have no other god before Edward! Hang on, let's look at the above article again:
An observant Mormon, [Meyer] doesn't drink alcohol and has never seen an R-rated movie. She's not perfect--although Mormons avoid caffeine on principle, she drinks the occasional cherry Diet Pepsi. "It's about keeping yourself free of addictions," she explains... "We have free will, which is a huge gift from God. If you tie that up with something like, I don't know, cocaine, then you don't really have a lot of freedom anymore."
But... isn't Twilight all about addiction?? Isn't Bella Edward's favorite brand of heroin?? And isn't that put on a pedestal as the perfect twu wuv?? I would say this story is headed for an epic tragedy, but... I already know it's not. (At least, not a self-aware tragedy...) What's going on here??
*
Okay, gotta get up early tomorrow.
Next time: THE BREAKUP!!!1!
Current People Who Are Better At Being Mormon Than Meyer: Brandon Flowers - "Crossfire"