(no subject)
I am so over due for an update..... its ridiculous! I've been planning on posting for awhile but have been avoiding it. so much bad is going on in my life right now that I feel like all I'm going to do it bitch. And really? Who wants to read that?
My back is no better and its been a rough few months with it. I slipped and fell at work in the yard on Valentine's day and smashed my head off some patio stones and landed with a big chunk of ice in my lower back. I went to the doctor/ER of course and I had a major concussion and I caused my back to flair up. the next two dasy were really bad. I had no sense of balance, so when I stood up, I'd just keep going til I met the floor on the other side. I was violently ill and disoriented as well. I've been pitched off alot of horses in my day and had a few concussions, but usually 24 hours later you're fine. This was insane! they took my drivers licence because I was disoriented, had no balanced and had horrible vertigo. I only just started back to work last week and I'm only working 4 hours a day. I am still without my drivers licence becasue I still get horrible vertigo, but hopefully it will go away soon. Work has been amazing abotu the whole thing and stood beside me the whole time. Its so nice to finally be able to say I have the best boss in the world.
So, slipping on the ice flaired my back up and it never got better. All my symptoms were worse. then, to make everything worse, I woke up one morning and I had pain in my left leg. Through this whole thing, its always been the right side. Never had a single symptom in the left, so to wake up with it, it was upsetting. The next morning i woke up with weakness in the both legs. I couldn't get out of bed because I didn't think my legs were going to hold me. Tom rushed me to London and the Doctor agreed that we needed an immediate repeat MRI to see if anything had changed. But the machine wasn't operating that night so he sent us home and siad they'd call first thing in the morning with a time. tom an dI them went over with him, the fact that I need to be sedated because I'm clostrophobic and become violent when 'trapped' he said he'd seen that on my file and it was no big deal, he'd order it and a doc would be availible to come up with me the next morning.
So home we went, and they called the next morning and we went back for the MRI. Well the doc forgot to order the sedation and there weren't enough doctors on call to send someone up with me. They actually tried to cancell my MRI!! Anyways, they gave me 2 mg Ativan (which was a joke)and sent me up. thank god for an amazing MRI tech though. I was freaking out when we got there, so she got Tom to get changed and come in with me. He stood at the top of the tube and held onto my shoulders and talked to me thru the whole thing. The tech also talked me thru it as well. I was still shaking thru the whole thing, which made it take longer, but I made it thru. We then went back down and waited for it to be read. It turns out there is more pinched nerves etc, but the changes are small and there was nothing that would explain what was going on. So they sent me home. It got worse voer the weekend and we rushed back in Sunday night. Well the resident we saw was very concerned and call in his attending. Bad idea I guess. the attending was the most horribel doctor I'd ever seen! He accused me of being a drug seeker (I never ask of take drugs when I go to the hospital.. the only thing stronger than what I take is general anaesthetic) and that I was making all of this up. THEN HE REFERRED ME TO PSYCH!! Tom then proceeded to lose his mind and get kicked out of the hospital. I still have pain in my left side, but it took about 2 weeks for the weakness to get better.
I then saw a pain doctor who I've been waiting to see for 8 months. She was amazing! Amazing might now even be the word! She listened to me, she understood how devistating it is for me not to be able to ride and she was empathetic! She test me for a bunch of stuff and suggested things that made sense that no one else had even thought of! To make a long story short, I have stage 1 fibromayalgia and she thinks my back stuff might now be caused by the herniated discs (people have no pain with herniated discs all the time) and that it might be my faucet joints, which cause the same symptoms and pain and are in the same area! So, we are going to try injecting them with a nerve block and if that works and gets rid of the pain, there is a proceedure they can do to make it permanent! there is a chance I could be pain free again and not be crippled! There is a huge waiting list for this proceedure so we have to wait til like June to have it done :-( I refuse to let myself get my hopes up. I will hurt too much if it doesn't work.
So needless to say, I'm having a tough go of it again. I feel like all I do it eat work and sleep.. and I do all those things while in pain. riding used to be what I did for fun. I was my stress relief, my mental releif etc. I always felt so much more centred and focused after I got off. I miss that so much. I've been tyring to find something to replace that, but I don't know what. I really want to learn how to make wetsern jewellery but haven't a clue where to learn from. I've sourced the beads and pendants etc, but I can't find a book or a person or a website on how to do it! My dad keeps telling me that all he does it work and he has no outlet and he is just fine. Its driving me crazy! That may be fine for him, but its not for me! For 18 years of my life, I had that outlet. It was part of my DNA, and then it was gone. I've never found a way to fill that hole and now I really think I need to for my sanity.
I got into a pretty big argument with Tom and Dad this morning about it. I said that no, I can't go barrel racing or breaking two year olds, but what says that a bit of recreational riding won't help my back? Maybe the gentle movement of walking will move those joints around and help improve my range of motion etc. Plus obviously help strengthen some muscles. I don't want to ride nags though. I hate lesson horses with a passions. So dad and tom both agreed that I'm going to call my trainer and start going for weekly lessons. Dan, my trainer, is like my second father. He understand alot. I plan on telling him that more than antyhing, I need this mentally. I need to have that connection with a horse again. Any I know he'll understand.
Several people seem to think I need therapy. that I need to talk to someone about my feeling etc instead of keeping them all to myself. I don't need to see a shrink and have her help me find my 'warm fuzzy spot', because it doesn't exist. I am not a warm fuzzy person. But I can tell you right now that riding once a week and talk to Dan, will be more therapeutic than anything else ever could be for me. I NEED that so much right now.
My back is no better and its been a rough few months with it. I slipped and fell at work in the yard on Valentine's day and smashed my head off some patio stones and landed with a big chunk of ice in my lower back. I went to the doctor/ER of course and I had a major concussion and I caused my back to flair up. the next two dasy were really bad. I had no sense of balance, so when I stood up, I'd just keep going til I met the floor on the other side. I was violently ill and disoriented as well. I've been pitched off alot of horses in my day and had a few concussions, but usually 24 hours later you're fine. This was insane! they took my drivers licence because I was disoriented, had no balanced and had horrible vertigo. I only just started back to work last week and I'm only working 4 hours a day. I am still without my drivers licence becasue I still get horrible vertigo, but hopefully it will go away soon. Work has been amazing abotu the whole thing and stood beside me the whole time. Its so nice to finally be able to say I have the best boss in the world.
So, slipping on the ice flaired my back up and it never got better. All my symptoms were worse. then, to make everything worse, I woke up one morning and I had pain in my left leg. Through this whole thing, its always been the right side. Never had a single symptom in the left, so to wake up with it, it was upsetting. The next morning i woke up with weakness in the both legs. I couldn't get out of bed because I didn't think my legs were going to hold me. Tom rushed me to London and the Doctor agreed that we needed an immediate repeat MRI to see if anything had changed. But the machine wasn't operating that night so he sent us home and siad they'd call first thing in the morning with a time. tom an dI them went over with him, the fact that I need to be sedated because I'm clostrophobic and become violent when 'trapped' he said he'd seen that on my file and it was no big deal, he'd order it and a doc would be availible to come up with me the next morning.
So home we went, and they called the next morning and we went back for the MRI. Well the doc forgot to order the sedation and there weren't enough doctors on call to send someone up with me. They actually tried to cancell my MRI!! Anyways, they gave me 2 mg Ativan (which was a joke)and sent me up. thank god for an amazing MRI tech though. I was freaking out when we got there, so she got Tom to get changed and come in with me. He stood at the top of the tube and held onto my shoulders and talked to me thru the whole thing. The tech also talked me thru it as well. I was still shaking thru the whole thing, which made it take longer, but I made it thru. We then went back down and waited for it to be read. It turns out there is more pinched nerves etc, but the changes are small and there was nothing that would explain what was going on. So they sent me home. It got worse voer the weekend and we rushed back in Sunday night. Well the resident we saw was very concerned and call in his attending. Bad idea I guess. the attending was the most horribel doctor I'd ever seen! He accused me of being a drug seeker (I never ask of take drugs when I go to the hospital.. the only thing stronger than what I take is general anaesthetic) and that I was making all of this up. THEN HE REFERRED ME TO PSYCH!! Tom then proceeded to lose his mind and get kicked out of the hospital. I still have pain in my left side, but it took about 2 weeks for the weakness to get better.
I then saw a pain doctor who I've been waiting to see for 8 months. She was amazing! Amazing might now even be the word! She listened to me, she understood how devistating it is for me not to be able to ride and she was empathetic! She test me for a bunch of stuff and suggested things that made sense that no one else had even thought of! To make a long story short, I have stage 1 fibromayalgia and she thinks my back stuff might now be caused by the herniated discs (people have no pain with herniated discs all the time) and that it might be my faucet joints, which cause the same symptoms and pain and are in the same area! So, we are going to try injecting them with a nerve block and if that works and gets rid of the pain, there is a proceedure they can do to make it permanent! there is a chance I could be pain free again and not be crippled! There is a huge waiting list for this proceedure so we have to wait til like June to have it done :-( I refuse to let myself get my hopes up. I will hurt too much if it doesn't work.
So needless to say, I'm having a tough go of it again. I feel like all I do it eat work and sleep.. and I do all those things while in pain. riding used to be what I did for fun. I was my stress relief, my mental releif etc. I always felt so much more centred and focused after I got off. I miss that so much. I've been tyring to find something to replace that, but I don't know what. I really want to learn how to make wetsern jewellery but haven't a clue where to learn from. I've sourced the beads and pendants etc, but I can't find a book or a person or a website on how to do it! My dad keeps telling me that all he does it work and he has no outlet and he is just fine. Its driving me crazy! That may be fine for him, but its not for me! For 18 years of my life, I had that outlet. It was part of my DNA, and then it was gone. I've never found a way to fill that hole and now I really think I need to for my sanity.
I got into a pretty big argument with Tom and Dad this morning about it. I said that no, I can't go barrel racing or breaking two year olds, but what says that a bit of recreational riding won't help my back? Maybe the gentle movement of walking will move those joints around and help improve my range of motion etc. Plus obviously help strengthen some muscles. I don't want to ride nags though. I hate lesson horses with a passions. So dad and tom both agreed that I'm going to call my trainer and start going for weekly lessons. Dan, my trainer, is like my second father. He understand alot. I plan on telling him that more than antyhing, I need this mentally. I need to have that connection with a horse again. Any I know he'll understand.
Several people seem to think I need therapy. that I need to talk to someone about my feeling etc instead of keeping them all to myself. I don't need to see a shrink and have her help me find my 'warm fuzzy spot', because it doesn't exist. I am not a warm fuzzy person. But I can tell you right now that riding once a week and talk to Dan, will be more therapeutic than anything else ever could be for me. I NEED that so much right now.