I wonder sometimes Surrounded as I am with quotidian miracles (Whose wonder is attenuated not at all
Why “attenuated not at all” vs. “not attenuated at all”? I keep reading it as the latter, possibly because of the ease of grouping the a’s.
When science teases out their very filaments and molecules) <- Lovely phrase! Whether I have been the victim of A sort of willful deistic prosopagnosia - An unwillingness to recognize the face of God.
The last line is perfect. There’s something tweakable in the line before it; maybe it’s that I don’t like “willful” just above “unwillingness”. The idea of deistic propagnosia is so crazy awesome, it’s one of those phrases I wish I’d thought of.
Reading the poem and then looking up the title made the poem that much more profound. I found all the huge words overwhelming at first, especially quotidian, but I’ve come to enjoy all of them as part of the experience. Except maybe quotidian; I’m still not sold on that one...
Wow, that Clive Wearing guy is really an astounding case. And I *love* using science-y words. I had two different poetry teachers last year give me different reactions; one told me to cut it out, basically (actually the one I wrote "zuki zuki" under; carapaces was okay with her, but I had to ignore her direction on some other poems), and the other Googled everything he didn't understand before coming to class (thus allowing me to write "theophany", which was very important to me). I took something out of both approaches, though, which is to make sure every word choice is significant. Sometimes I edit my stuff too far the other way and then have to go put back in the words that gave it meaning to me
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well, that's the beauty of the internet! You don't have to tell anybody that it's you! (And i'll admit, I don't really know that much about your life, really, so no worries on that front.) That's part of why i like dev art actually - it's more or less anonymous and i generally only share with people who are also given to writing poems. Though I have been inspired to submit to a literary magazine lately... we'll see how that goes. :)
On Picking Yellow Cherry Tomatoes Slightly Too Late, And The Profound Disappointment Caused Thereby
Aaaaah I love how these beautiful glowing orbs end up rotting zombies spewing guts over the course of this poem! I think there’s only one section that doesn’t sit well with me:
Sprawled and half-hidden in sun-greedy weeds And waiting Sweet-tart Sungolds shading into sour, poignant and bitter
“Sprawled and half-hidden” is a good line, but it slows down the previous line’s “quickening and waiting”, which was a wonderful rev to the reader. The “and waiting” at it tries to rev again, but it seems a little less powerful like that, and then it’s slowed down again by all the alliteration and description in the “sweet-tart” line. Maybe it’s just the “shading” verb, which I can see you love but is hard to really feel. What about something like “Sweet-tart Sungolds souring, poignant and bitter”? I’m not entirely sold on poignant, as it feels like they should be somewhat angry to me rather than tragic, considering how they seethe later on.
That was actually a little what I was going for - like, they've spent so much time and energy getting to this peak of ripeness and now they're kinda thinkind "OK, come on... pick me already!... anybody?...you're gonna miss it!....hey, how come nobody's weeding me anymore? Where did everybody go?... well... shit. now I'm a sad tomato."
I like souring, though, I might keep that. Actually, I was going for bitter and sour as in the flavor, poignant as in the emotion of the moment, and seething more in the sense of a seething cauldron rather than an emotion, but the poor little fellas really do read as bitter, sour, and seething as emotions, don't they? I was going for a sort of mono no aware (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mono_no_aware)-which would be broadly poignant- as a general tone rather than angry, but that does put a new spin on that. I'll have to ponder that, thanks for bringing it up!
which you may be familiar with already, considering our mutual love of japan, but just in case. I think that really is the concept that is most quintessentially japanese to me. :)
Ahh, if you're going for mono no aware, I see exactly why you made those word choice - but it makes me doubt the ones that I read as anger. I guess either way you might think of tweaking that section to intensify one or the other - the sadness or the anger - depending on which approach you ultimately prefer.
I realized today that I had forgotten fear. Not in the way of adults - rational misgivings And mis-titled worries based on knowledge, And a pervasive awareness of the future - Not fear of heights, or failure, or cancer Not fear of
I love your description of fear “in the way of adults”, especially as “a pervasive awareness of the future”. That’s definitely true, and your examples serve well. I also do like the “Not fear of” cliffhanger, although I wish there were something to do in formatting to keep that from being such a block in reading. It forces the reader to come to a full stop, and finding a “but” after that is a little disconcerting.
But a baseless, mindless, breathless terror Because something is happening, and you don’t know what Something is happening to you, and you don’t know why, or how Something was and now is not
This section is great because it forces the reader to speed up again. You’re using simple, direct, short, common language. Plus, some repetition; just enough to give some familiar
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Slight typo, the original has the last "of" in italics, if that makes a difference. I think you're right about the conceive/literally/foot break thing, and I will probably tweak that
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I like this poem as a combination of parts; maybe we can still see the seam at the moment, but they definitely have a connection. It's just ironing out the kinks at this point. :) Maybe "nearby" or "distant" are taking the wrong approach. What about something like "lurking", "angry", "spiteful", "incessant"? Maybe you can convey the distance-and-yet-not through some sort of imagery rather than directly stating it?
I can’t believe “in memoriam” fits so nicely into a haiku! The first line is great and makes this a classically-sound haiku with the seasonal reference. I doubt exactly one word of these ten: “somewhat”. I know it will be hard to replace, but when you’ve got exactly 19 syllables to express a clear sentiment, why waste even two on being noncommittal? Finding something else for “somewhat” would assuredly make this poem a puncher.
Okay, having got all that out - sorry for barfing all over your entry comments! I had these saved and did some digging into them during downtime at work, haha. All comments and ideas are my own damn fault, but they're your poems, so feel free to ignore everything I say. Except the good stuff; don't ignore that, yes? :)
No, barf away! I really enjoy your comments, they're always both thoughtful and helpful. Yeah, somewhat is a tad wishy-washy but the words I was playing with initially (ie, ultimately) just have too many syllables to make any sense. I'll probably keep half an ear out for The Right Word, but somewhat works well enough for now, anyway
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That's a really touching idea; I like it. In the same vein, my junior year at high school, senior year pranks were ruined when some vandals took it as an opportunity to cut down and uproot a lot of memorial trees (among other things). The administration held it against us forever.
Comments 14
I wonder sometimes
Surrounded as I am with quotidian miracles
(Whose wonder is attenuated not at all
Why “attenuated not at all” vs. “not attenuated at all”? I keep reading it as the latter, possibly because of the ease of grouping the a’s.
When science teases out their very filaments and molecules) <- Lovely phrase!
Whether I have been the victim of
A sort of willful deistic prosopagnosia -
An unwillingness to recognize the face of God.
The last line is perfect. There’s something tweakable in the line before it; maybe it’s that I don’t like “willful” just above “unwillingness”. The idea of deistic propagnosia is so crazy awesome, it’s one of those phrases I wish I’d thought of.
Reading the poem and then looking up the title made the poem that much more profound. I found all the huge words overwhelming at first, especially quotidian, but I’ve come to enjoy all of them as part of the experience. Except maybe quotidian; I’m still not sold on that one...
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Aaaaah I love how these beautiful glowing orbs end up rotting zombies spewing guts over the course of this poem! I think there’s only one section that doesn’t sit well with me:
Sprawled and half-hidden in sun-greedy weeds
And waiting
Sweet-tart Sungolds shading into sour, poignant and bitter
“Sprawled and half-hidden” is a good line, but it slows down the previous line’s “quickening and waiting”, which was a wonderful rev to the reader. The “and waiting” at it tries to rev again, but it seems a little less powerful like that, and then it’s slowed down again by all the alliteration and description in the “sweet-tart” line. Maybe it’s just the “shading” verb, which I can see you love but is hard to really feel. What about something like “Sweet-tart Sungolds souring, poignant and bitter”? I’m not entirely sold on poignant, as it feels like they should be somewhat angry to me rather than tragic, considering how they seethe later on.
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I like souring, though, I might keep that. Actually, I was going for bitter and sour as in the flavor, poignant as in the emotion of the moment, and seething more in the sense of a seething cauldron rather than an emotion, but the poor little fellas really do read as bitter, sour, and seething as emotions, don't they? I was going for a sort of mono no aware (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mono_no_aware)-which would be broadly poignant- as a general tone rather than angry, but that does put a new spin on that. I'll have to ponder that, thanks for bringing it up!
As always, appreciated!
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http://en.wikipeida.org/wiki/mono_no_aware
which you may be familiar with already, considering our mutual love of japan, but just in case. I think that really is the concept that is most quintessentially japanese to me. :)
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I realized today that I had forgotten fear.
Not in the way of adults - rational misgivings
And mis-titled worries based on knowledge,
And a pervasive awareness of the future -
Not fear of heights, or failure, or cancer
Not fear of
I love your description of fear “in the way of adults”, especially as “a pervasive awareness of the future”. That’s definitely true, and your examples serve well. I also do like the “Not fear of” cliffhanger, although I wish there were something to do in formatting to keep that from being such a block in reading. It forces the reader to come to a full stop, and finding a “but” after that is a little disconcerting.
But a baseless, mindless, breathless terror
Because something is happening, and you don’t know what
Something is happening to you, and you don’t know why, or how
Something was and now is not
This section is great because it forces the reader to speed up again. You’re using simple, direct, short, common language. Plus, some repetition; just enough to give some familiar ( ... )
Reply
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I can’t believe “in memoriam” fits so nicely into a haiku! The first line is great and makes this a classically-sound haiku with the seasonal reference. I doubt exactly one word of these ten: “somewhat”. I know it will be hard to replace, but when you’ve got exactly 19 syllables to express a clear sentiment, why waste even two on being noncommittal? Finding something else for “somewhat” would assuredly make this poem a puncher.
Okay, having got all that out - sorry for barfing all over your entry comments! I had these saved and did some digging into them during downtime at work, haha. All comments and ideas are my own damn fault, but they're your poems, so feel free to ignore everything I say. Except the good stuff; don't ignore that, yes? :)
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