Slight typo, the original has the last "of" in italics, if that makes a difference. I think you're right about the conceive/literally/foot break thing, and I will probably tweak that.
It's funny that you should say it sounds like a different poem at the end. What I tend to do when writing poetry is collect phrases and sometimes scenarios/images that come to me, and then cast about for topics that seem appropriate to use to build around the awesome line(s)/notion. In this case, the lines were "fear, like the shore of a distant ocean", "like rings pulled from dead women's fingers" [which came to at a wedding, where I was decked out in my finest jewelery, all of it inherited], and a very much later horrible night terror sort of experience that I wanted to convey.
In a way, it sort of is two poems. I'll have to think about that- i might end up separating them, but at the very least I do think it needs a little more cohesion in the middle. As for the distance, a) i like the way it sounds, and b) i was sort of going for a sense of the unknown lurking far away but still connected over the distance, and something you know what it probably looks like and what it should look like but not what it is actually like until you go there and experience it; and an incessant white noise that is always there but you tend to block out, or the cresting and breaking of waves like the occasions of fear over a lifetime, which I suppose would work with a nearby seashore, but I can't think of anything that flows as well as "distant" - any suggestions?
Thanks as always for the input, it is very valuable. I tend to approach things from a parts perspective and don't always get how the gist is portrayed to people who don't know exactly what is in my brain as I write it. :)
I like this poem as a combination of parts; maybe we can still see the seam at the moment, but they definitely have a connection. It's just ironing out the kinks at this point. :) Maybe "nearby" or "distant" are taking the wrong approach. What about something like "lurking", "angry", "spiteful", "incessant"? Maybe you can convey the distance-and-yet-not through some sort of imagery rather than directly stating it?
It's funny that you should say it sounds like a different poem at the end. What I tend to do when writing poetry is collect phrases and sometimes scenarios/images that come to me, and then cast about for topics that seem appropriate to use to build around the awesome line(s)/notion. In this case, the lines were "fear, like the shore of a distant ocean", "like rings pulled from dead women's fingers" [which came to at a wedding, where I was decked out in my finest jewelery, all of it inherited], and a very much later horrible night terror sort of experience that I wanted to convey.
In a way, it sort of is two poems. I'll have to think about that- i might end up separating them, but at the very least I do think it needs a little more cohesion in the middle. As for the distance, a) i like the way it sounds, and b) i was sort of going for a sense of the unknown lurking far away but still connected over the distance, and something you know what it probably looks like and what it should look like but not what it is actually like until you go there and experience it; and an incessant white noise that is always there but you tend to block out, or the cresting and breaking of waves like the occasions of fear over a lifetime, which I suppose would work with a nearby seashore, but I can't think of anything that flows as well as "distant" - any suggestions?
Thanks as always for the input, it is very valuable. I tend to approach things from a parts perspective and don't always get how the gist is portrayed to people who don't know exactly what is in my brain as I write it. :)
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment