You really want to know what's been bothering me all weekend?
I guess you can just never be fully satisfied with yourself. You can never gain true self-confidence no matter how hard you seek, unless you were already born with it. It's something you have or you don't. You can build it up now and then, but it always has holes. Huge, gaping holes that make the areas you've just filled in fall apart again.
After so much work that was a lot harder than it was worth, I've decided, fine, I might be okay looking ... in some areas ... on a good day ... maybe when I feel like it. Maybe my hair is cool, when the weather's right, when I don't screw it up, when I treat it carefully. Maybe I have a good sense of style ... when I'm in the right mood, when my clothes are working for me, when I'm creative enough or not too creative.
I've decided, okay, maybe I *am* good at some things. They may not be the things I *wish* I were good at, but hey, they're my talents, my gifts, and I'll be happy with what I've got. I guess I'm good at drawing ... you know, average, according the The Art Institute committee that reviewed my stuff, but still better than the average human. I'm actually okay at writing - better than most people I know. My imagination is a lot bigger and more capable than anyone else's that I've met ... I still haven't figured out if that's good or bad, but hey, at least it's something I'm good at. My mind powers can be pretty crazy sometimes ... haven't decided whether that's good or bad either, but it's still a "strong" point.
I've decided, alright, I guess I pass as an okay person. I know some people who say they enjoy hanging out with me - that must make me okay, right? I still can't stand myself, but if they enjoy my company, well good for them, I guess I'm not a total looser in the personality department. I guess I must be an okay friend. I guess I must be an okay sister to my sisters, and an okay sister figure to some of my friends. I guess I'm an okay daughter ... at least I think I'm okay. That's still a step forward from believing I was the worst daughter I could be.
And then, huge, gaping hole. Just when I thought I was climbing a ladder that actually had rungs. You're a fine friend, a fine sister ... but no man in his right mind would ever see you as anything else.
Prove me wrong! You may love me to death as your friend or your "sister" or anything along those lines ... but I dare you to look at me twice as a woman. This has nothing to do with being physically attractive - far from it - it's about appeal. I was worried about John starting to like me, but now I realize there's really nothing to worry about! The only kind of guy that would ever think about me like that is some desperate kid that asks out every girl he meets that will even give him so much as a smile. Okay, maybe some random person who sees me and notices that I am pretty might think about asking me out, but if he were to get to know me he'd realize right away that I am the type of girl that makes for an excellent friend ... not a girlfriend, just a friend.
Why is that? Because, like it or not, that's the way guys were made. They are attracted to women. Ladies. They're attracted to the mysterious, beautiful ways that ladies have about them - the way they move, the way they talk, the way they act. They are drawn by girls who have a spirit of confidence in their womanhood. There are some girls who are just plain enchanting, some girls who put spells over guys and wrap them around their fingers. No one can really quite explain what it is about them that makes them able to do this to the opposite sex, but I can say for sure that it's just not something I have. I know it's not necessary to go to that extreme, but I don't even have a small form of that aura - that appeal.
Guys are just not attracted to their sisters. You know why that is? Because they act differently towards their sisters and their sisters act differently towards them. If I knew how to treat guys as if they were guys rather than treating them as if they're all my brothers, then maybe they'd begin to see me as something besides their sister. But it's just not something I'm capable of. I act how I act. I am who I am. I can't change the simple fact that I am just not attractive in that way.
It may not bother me so much if it weren't for Becca and Cynthia. Becca made a lot of guys like her in college because she was so friendly, so outgoing, so confident and robust, passionate and opinionated. She exuded that appeal (to a certain kind of guy who likes that certain kind of girl), and she gained a lot of admirers for it.
Cynthia ... where do I start? She's been called enchanting, mysterious, noble ... like a goddess. All my life, when it came to guys, I've lived in her shadow. If any guy who knew me knew my sister too, there was no way they were going to settle for me anymore. I had quite a few guy friends along the years and almost every single one of them liked my sister at some point. Oh yea, *I* was their friend, and *I* was the one that really knew them, and *I* was the one they always hung out with, but never was a single one of them attracted to me. That still bothers me so much that I actually can't find it funny - at all - when one of my friend guys now jokes about liking my sister. It's like a reminder of what I've gone through - all my good friends just going crazy over what they didn't know when what they *did* know was right in front of them but they didn't care. I lost a lot of friends because they were under the impression that my sister was the most amazing thing in the world and I knew better. Cynthia may be amazing, but she's not worth worship! She's so unfeeling that I can't see why any guy in their right mind would like her. She just breaks their hearts. Like she's better than them. Not because she's a snob, but because she doesn't care enough to love them back.
And yet they all loved her. Why? Don't ask me - she's just ATTRACTIVE. See what I'm saying? She has that aura that makes guys feel drawn to her. I DON'T. Plain and simple.
You'd think guys would be more rational. A good friend, who may not be an amazing woman, who is certainly low in attraction, but who at the very least could be a really fun person to live with for the rest of your life? A woman that has an exuberant and confident personality - very attractive - but high maintenance? A goddess you can adore and stare at and just be drawn to like some weird mystical spell she casts - but then you find out she's better than you in every mental and spiritual area, and she doesn't really show any emotion when you're trying to love her?
Okay fine. I'm done ranting. But it's the truth and you can't prove to me that it's not. Think about it - unless you know some guy that is actually in love with me, you can NOT prove to me that I'm not right.
On another note - a much better one - I had a great day. Just because I have stupid thoughts like these knocking around in my brain and they've been bothering me since Saturday night, doesn't mean I'm depressed and ridiculously bothered by these things that I've come to realize. There are a lot of gaps in my confidence wall that I know I'm just going to have to come to terms with, and this is one of them.
I guess it's just a heck of a good thing that I don't plan on getting married, it's a heck of a good thing I don't feel like I need a boyfriend to make me happy, it's a heck of a good thing I have wonderful guy friends and I don't need anyone else, and it's a heck of a good thing that I don't really have to worry about any of them falling in love with me ... cuz that's just not gonna happen. Okay, I admit a couple of those things were said a little pessimistically, more to convince myself that it's a good thing than to say it was in fact a good thing lol ... but seriously, I'm alright.
Song lyrics time ...
I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did
I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight
I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby, won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did
After so much work that was a lot harder than it was worth, I've decided, fine, I might be okay looking ... in some areas ... on a good day ... maybe when I feel like it. Maybe my hair is cool, when the weather's right, when I don't screw it up, when I treat it carefully. Maybe I have a good sense of style ... when I'm in the right mood, when my clothes are working for me, when I'm creative enough or not too creative.
I've decided, okay, maybe I *am* good at some things. They may not be the things I *wish* I were good at, but hey, they're my talents, my gifts, and I'll be happy with what I've got. I guess I'm good at drawing ... you know, average, according the The Art Institute committee that reviewed my stuff, but still better than the average human. I'm actually okay at writing - better than most people I know. My imagination is a lot bigger and more capable than anyone else's that I've met ... I still haven't figured out if that's good or bad, but hey, at least it's something I'm good at. My mind powers can be pretty crazy sometimes ... haven't decided whether that's good or bad either, but it's still a "strong" point.
I've decided, alright, I guess I pass as an okay person. I know some people who say they enjoy hanging out with me - that must make me okay, right? I still can't stand myself, but if they enjoy my company, well good for them, I guess I'm not a total looser in the personality department. I guess I must be an okay friend. I guess I must be an okay sister to my sisters, and an okay sister figure to some of my friends. I guess I'm an okay daughter ... at least I think I'm okay. That's still a step forward from believing I was the worst daughter I could be.
And then, huge, gaping hole. Just when I thought I was climbing a ladder that actually had rungs. You're a fine friend, a fine sister ... but no man in his right mind would ever see you as anything else.
Prove me wrong! You may love me to death as your friend or your "sister" or anything along those lines ... but I dare you to look at me twice as a woman. This has nothing to do with being physically attractive - far from it - it's about appeal. I was worried about John starting to like me, but now I realize there's really nothing to worry about! The only kind of guy that would ever think about me like that is some desperate kid that asks out every girl he meets that will even give him so much as a smile. Okay, maybe some random person who sees me and notices that I am pretty might think about asking me out, but if he were to get to know me he'd realize right away that I am the type of girl that makes for an excellent friend ... not a girlfriend, just a friend.
Why is that? Because, like it or not, that's the way guys were made. They are attracted to women. Ladies. They're attracted to the mysterious, beautiful ways that ladies have about them - the way they move, the way they talk, the way they act. They are drawn by girls who have a spirit of confidence in their womanhood. There are some girls who are just plain enchanting, some girls who put spells over guys and wrap them around their fingers. No one can really quite explain what it is about them that makes them able to do this to the opposite sex, but I can say for sure that it's just not something I have. I know it's not necessary to go to that extreme, but I don't even have a small form of that aura - that appeal.
Guys are just not attracted to their sisters. You know why that is? Because they act differently towards their sisters and their sisters act differently towards them. If I knew how to treat guys as if they were guys rather than treating them as if they're all my brothers, then maybe they'd begin to see me as something besides their sister. But it's just not something I'm capable of. I act how I act. I am who I am. I can't change the simple fact that I am just not attractive in that way.
It may not bother me so much if it weren't for Becca and Cynthia. Becca made a lot of guys like her in college because she was so friendly, so outgoing, so confident and robust, passionate and opinionated. She exuded that appeal (to a certain kind of guy who likes that certain kind of girl), and she gained a lot of admirers for it.
Cynthia ... where do I start? She's been called enchanting, mysterious, noble ... like a goddess. All my life, when it came to guys, I've lived in her shadow. If any guy who knew me knew my sister too, there was no way they were going to settle for me anymore. I had quite a few guy friends along the years and almost every single one of them liked my sister at some point. Oh yea, *I* was their friend, and *I* was the one that really knew them, and *I* was the one they always hung out with, but never was a single one of them attracted to me. That still bothers me so much that I actually can't find it funny - at all - when one of my friend guys now jokes about liking my sister. It's like a reminder of what I've gone through - all my good friends just going crazy over what they didn't know when what they *did* know was right in front of them but they didn't care. I lost a lot of friends because they were under the impression that my sister was the most amazing thing in the world and I knew better. Cynthia may be amazing, but she's not worth worship! She's so unfeeling that I can't see why any guy in their right mind would like her. She just breaks their hearts. Like she's better than them. Not because she's a snob, but because she doesn't care enough to love them back.
And yet they all loved her. Why? Don't ask me - she's just ATTRACTIVE. See what I'm saying? She has that aura that makes guys feel drawn to her. I DON'T. Plain and simple.
You'd think guys would be more rational. A good friend, who may not be an amazing woman, who is certainly low in attraction, but who at the very least could be a really fun person to live with for the rest of your life? A woman that has an exuberant and confident personality - very attractive - but high maintenance? A goddess you can adore and stare at and just be drawn to like some weird mystical spell she casts - but then you find out she's better than you in every mental and spiritual area, and she doesn't really show any emotion when you're trying to love her?
Okay fine. I'm done ranting. But it's the truth and you can't prove to me that it's not. Think about it - unless you know some guy that is actually in love with me, you can NOT prove to me that I'm not right.
On another note - a much better one - I had a great day. Just because I have stupid thoughts like these knocking around in my brain and they've been bothering me since Saturday night, doesn't mean I'm depressed and ridiculously bothered by these things that I've come to realize. There are a lot of gaps in my confidence wall that I know I'm just going to have to come to terms with, and this is one of them.
I guess it's just a heck of a good thing that I don't plan on getting married, it's a heck of a good thing I don't feel like I need a boyfriend to make me happy, it's a heck of a good thing I have wonderful guy friends and I don't need anyone else, and it's a heck of a good thing that I don't really have to worry about any of them falling in love with me ... cuz that's just not gonna happen. Okay, I admit a couple of those things were said a little pessimistically, more to convince myself that it's a good thing than to say it was in fact a good thing lol ... but seriously, I'm alright.
Song lyrics time ...
I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did
I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight
I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby, won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove
Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did