Baby Shower
I know I wrote briefly earlier today just to say that I was surviving, but I decided to give a full update on my thoughts of the day. There's a lot of 'em, so here goes.
In case you didn't know, it was Becca's/Arwen's baby shower. There were about 20 women and girls here give or take at different moments in the day.
I think today might have been better if I'd started it off a little wiser lol. I woke up peaceful, then I got to dreading the thought of what I was going to have to deal with at the party. Then I had coffee, which I hadn't had in a really long time, and caffeine has weird effects on me when I haven't had it in a long time. On top of that I forgot to eat breakfast, so I had this coffee in my system on an empty stomach, which meant I got really twitchy and shaky. Then I blew up 49 balloons (I counted them later lol) and nearly passed out because of it. I didn't quite recover from that until an hour or so later. My head felt like it was being squeezed by a juicer and I saw spots for the longest time. It got really hot and I was wearing a black hat (yea that was dumb lol) so that didn't help either. Everything seemed to go wrong. Like at one point I was in the middle of putting up the streamers and I lost my grip on the rolls I was holding and they went plummeting behind the couch and when I went to reach for them I completely lost my vision - it all went black. I nearly fell over off the back of the couch where I was standing and then it took forever for me to just get my balance back and when I managed to pick up the rolls again I dropped them like three or four more times before I was able to climb up onto the back of the couch again and stop my hands from shaking and loosing their grip on the streamers! It was ridiculous. I got so frustrated because I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, and my limbs were feeling week and shaky and I got really mad because I hate to be weak. On top of that I was pretty sure I was acting like a grouch because I wasn't feeling good at all and I hate being rude or mean to people, so then I got mad at myself for being upset lol.
When I get upset about stuff like this and when my body has just enough of an excuse to not function properly, I can make myself really sick. I guess it's just my wild brain power or something lol. It's like I have complete control over whether I am physically ok or not. If my brain doesn't feel good, then my body doesn't feel good. I felt like I was going to throw up several times today.
I think the worse thing about the day, strangely, was that I was constantly reminded of my brotherlessness. Aunt April, who I hadn't seen in ages, was constantly talking about her sons and so I was constantly reminded of how they used to be my brothers and now they aren't. Then Mya and Amy Jo were exchanging stories about crazy things they'd done with Dawson and John respectively, and I couldn't join in because I had no brother to do crazy things with and therefore no crazy things to report. Even my cousin Mary and Becca's sister-in-law Sheena were mentioning their brothers left and right. If there's one thing I dislike more than the fact that I was born a girl, it's that I was born without a brother. I know those sound like pretty stupid things to hate about your life, especially because complaining about them is like telling God he did something wrong, but those facts really do make me sad a lot.
It was really great to see Aunt April though. I'd forgotten that she still held that bond between our families as important. She knew right away that there was more wrong with me than I was admitting, and she understood exactly what I was saying when I told her what was going on. And, interestingly enough, apparently she only got the invitation to my open house after the date had already passed. Otherwise she would have been there. That sure explains a lot ... but only God knows why the Davises apparently weren't supposed to come.
And it was really great to have a fellow artist look at and appraise my work. ^_^ Thank you Aunt Beth! Aunt April got to see my artwork for the first time as well and I heard her telling my mom that I have a really deep mind and she was really amazed. For some reason compliments that I overhear are cooler to me than compliments that I receive to my face. I guess it's because I feel like people might be less honest when confronted with telling me what they think about me or about something I've done rather than telling someone else.
I missed Drew so much today. I hadn't missed him that much since I moved back from Brasil. It didn't feel good. Aunt April says he's a senior now and he wants to become a doctor lol. It doesn't surprise me one bit. Nor does the fact that he may be going to college on a musician scholarship. One thing did surprise me though: she told me he was writing a book. And that he still isn't dating anyone, even though his brothers have been running through the girlfriends.
After everyone was gone I brought in all of the balloons that I'd blown up and I put them all together on the living room floor. To celebrate the fact that I'd survived my ordeal that day, I pulled the Cleaver out of my pocket and stabbed every single one. XD It was so much fun. The cats freaked out and ran off to hide.
Another downside of the day, though ... Cynthia told me I was a drama queen. I know she's right, I know I'm really an idiot who makes too big of a deal about the problems going on in my head, but I don't like people shoving what I hate about myself in my face. I hate myself enough thanks! I am very aware of the fact that I'm a stupid drama queen and it makes me mad enough to want to hurt myself, but considering I'm trying not to do that anymore, could you please not remind me of what I already know too well? Besides ... I'm trying to get better ... I thought I was getting better ... considering the nature of this post, I guess I'm not better at all.
But even though it was the truth, I still found it a little unfair. I was really, really happy that I'd survived the day and I said so. And then she called me a drama queen. I couldn't help thinking, if she only knew how close I'd gotten to cutting myself that day, she wouldn't be criticizing my relief. People might think it seems exaggerated to say that I might not have survived the baby shower. But from my point of view that's not an exaggeration at all ... to me it is a big deal to make it through something like that unscathed. Does that make me a drama queen? I guess I just wish my sister could appreciate my victories with me instead of criticizing me for appreciating them. Cynthia's just so perfect. She's removed from all that psychological and emotional crap that for some reason I live in, so she can't understand what I go through. I'm okay with that I guess ... it's just hard when I want someone to be happy for me because I've just overcome something really huge and they don't even know how huge it was because for them it would be easy.
Okay I'm done now :)
In case you didn't know, it was Becca's/Arwen's baby shower. There were about 20 women and girls here give or take at different moments in the day.
I think today might have been better if I'd started it off a little wiser lol. I woke up peaceful, then I got to dreading the thought of what I was going to have to deal with at the party. Then I had coffee, which I hadn't had in a really long time, and caffeine has weird effects on me when I haven't had it in a long time. On top of that I forgot to eat breakfast, so I had this coffee in my system on an empty stomach, which meant I got really twitchy and shaky. Then I blew up 49 balloons (I counted them later lol) and nearly passed out because of it. I didn't quite recover from that until an hour or so later. My head felt like it was being squeezed by a juicer and I saw spots for the longest time. It got really hot and I was wearing a black hat (yea that was dumb lol) so that didn't help either. Everything seemed to go wrong. Like at one point I was in the middle of putting up the streamers and I lost my grip on the rolls I was holding and they went plummeting behind the couch and when I went to reach for them I completely lost my vision - it all went black. I nearly fell over off the back of the couch where I was standing and then it took forever for me to just get my balance back and when I managed to pick up the rolls again I dropped them like three or four more times before I was able to climb up onto the back of the couch again and stop my hands from shaking and loosing their grip on the streamers! It was ridiculous. I got so frustrated because I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, and my limbs were feeling week and shaky and I got really mad because I hate to be weak. On top of that I was pretty sure I was acting like a grouch because I wasn't feeling good at all and I hate being rude or mean to people, so then I got mad at myself for being upset lol.
When I get upset about stuff like this and when my body has just enough of an excuse to not function properly, I can make myself really sick. I guess it's just my wild brain power or something lol. It's like I have complete control over whether I am physically ok or not. If my brain doesn't feel good, then my body doesn't feel good. I felt like I was going to throw up several times today.
I think the worse thing about the day, strangely, was that I was constantly reminded of my brotherlessness. Aunt April, who I hadn't seen in ages, was constantly talking about her sons and so I was constantly reminded of how they used to be my brothers and now they aren't. Then Mya and Amy Jo were exchanging stories about crazy things they'd done with Dawson and John respectively, and I couldn't join in because I had no brother to do crazy things with and therefore no crazy things to report. Even my cousin Mary and Becca's sister-in-law Sheena were mentioning their brothers left and right. If there's one thing I dislike more than the fact that I was born a girl, it's that I was born without a brother. I know those sound like pretty stupid things to hate about your life, especially because complaining about them is like telling God he did something wrong, but those facts really do make me sad a lot.
It was really great to see Aunt April though. I'd forgotten that she still held that bond between our families as important. She knew right away that there was more wrong with me than I was admitting, and she understood exactly what I was saying when I told her what was going on. And, interestingly enough, apparently she only got the invitation to my open house after the date had already passed. Otherwise she would have been there. That sure explains a lot ... but only God knows why the Davises apparently weren't supposed to come.
And it was really great to have a fellow artist look at and appraise my work. ^_^ Thank you Aunt Beth! Aunt April got to see my artwork for the first time as well and I heard her telling my mom that I have a really deep mind and she was really amazed. For some reason compliments that I overhear are cooler to me than compliments that I receive to my face. I guess it's because I feel like people might be less honest when confronted with telling me what they think about me or about something I've done rather than telling someone else.
I missed Drew so much today. I hadn't missed him that much since I moved back from Brasil. It didn't feel good. Aunt April says he's a senior now and he wants to become a doctor lol. It doesn't surprise me one bit. Nor does the fact that he may be going to college on a musician scholarship. One thing did surprise me though: she told me he was writing a book. And that he still isn't dating anyone, even though his brothers have been running through the girlfriends.
After everyone was gone I brought in all of the balloons that I'd blown up and I put them all together on the living room floor. To celebrate the fact that I'd survived my ordeal that day, I pulled the Cleaver out of my pocket and stabbed every single one. XD It was so much fun. The cats freaked out and ran off to hide.
Another downside of the day, though ... Cynthia told me I was a drama queen. I know she's right, I know I'm really an idiot who makes too big of a deal about the problems going on in my head, but I don't like people shoving what I hate about myself in my face. I hate myself enough thanks! I am very aware of the fact that I'm a stupid drama queen and it makes me mad enough to want to hurt myself, but considering I'm trying not to do that anymore, could you please not remind me of what I already know too well? Besides ... I'm trying to get better ... I thought I was getting better ... considering the nature of this post, I guess I'm not better at all.
But even though it was the truth, I still found it a little unfair. I was really, really happy that I'd survived the day and I said so. And then she called me a drama queen. I couldn't help thinking, if she only knew how close I'd gotten to cutting myself that day, she wouldn't be criticizing my relief. People might think it seems exaggerated to say that I might not have survived the baby shower. But from my point of view that's not an exaggeration at all ... to me it is a big deal to make it through something like that unscathed. Does that make me a drama queen? I guess I just wish my sister could appreciate my victories with me instead of criticizing me for appreciating them. Cynthia's just so perfect. She's removed from all that psychological and emotional crap that for some reason I live in, so she can't understand what I go through. I'm okay with that I guess ... it's just hard when I want someone to be happy for me because I've just overcome something really huge and they don't even know how huge it was because for them it would be easy.
Okay I'm done now :)