experimentation
I'm doing this experiment where I'm just myself. As a people-pleaser, I'm obsessed with people liking me sometimes to the point that I forget who I am because I'm so worried about if I disagree with someone they won't like me, or I'm filling in their needs. I love how Claire in the movie "Elizabethtown" describes it--I'm a substitute person. I come into your life and take whatever role you need at the moment. For those acquaintances in my life, I'm "unforgettable but hard to remember." I'm a chameleon. This causes a lot of stress of worrying constantly and trying to always say the right thing. As I started a new semester with new classes and new classmates, I wanted to see what would happen if I stopped worrying about what others would think if I voiced my opinion of the latest movie/book/articles/TV shows instead of always smiling and nodding. What would happen if I just was myself? So far, it's been an odd experiment. I love the liberation of not holding it all inside. I love being honest. Granted, I'm still cordial and nice about it. I'm not going to put you down because I disagree. I'm a big fan of treating others with respect, but I'm not going to lie down and just go with the flow either. I love the conversations. Unfortunately, this comes with a cost. I hate not immediately clicking with pretty much everyone. There have been some awkward moments, but in fairness, I'm not sure if it's them or me. It's just been an adjustment not having everyone and their mom thinking about the shiz even if an hour after I leave they won't remember who I was or why they liked me so much, just that there was this girl that made them laugh or "got" them.