Failure

[rowan_m]

Right now I am an emotional mess. I've been sick now for about two weeks, and completely exhausted. Earlier this week I stopped being able to breathe clearly, so I went to see a doctor Tuesday after work. She prescribed some decongestants and told me to come back once they kicked in so that she could listen to my lungs. Well, they kicked in, but she had no time to see me, so after suffering through work Wednesday I made a trip to Urgent Care where they diagnosed me with Bronchitis and prescribed oral steroids and a steroid and albuterol inhaler. It was explained to me that I hadn't reached the "two-week mark" in the course of my illness, and therefore it was possible it was a virus and that antibiotics wouldn't help. I missed work yesterday and hung around feeling miserable and being a social hermit. Around 5 o'clock Erika called me with the news about ***, one of the kids I work with. She broke the news to me, that I'd been blind to all day, that *** and his mom had died suddenly in a tragic car accident. So last night was spent crying over his loss, crying over the guilt of missing work on such a tragic day, and crying because I just plain felt like shit. At some point I ran out of tears and watched TV with Katie, who was kind enough to make me caramel brownies. This morning the radio was playing songs to honor those who died in the crash, causing me to shed more tears. I felt I have to go in today in order to mourn with others who were close to him. My team members kept telling me to go home, that I looked terrible, but I've missed too many days and so stayed despite my misery, all under the assumption that tonight I would be seeing a doctor and starting antibiotics. I was under the impression that I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for tonight, and I have now officially been sick for more than two weeks. I drag myself into the office and they break the news to me that the appointment was scheduled for yesterday and that I have now missed several appointments with this doctor (long, messy story) and could potentially be "fired" as a patient. At this I break down in tears in front of the receptionist, who has no idea why I'm crying. I keep appologizing for crying and trying to stop, then ask if there is another doctor available to see me regarding my current illness. I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, but I wasted about twenty minutes in the restroom having a little breakdown before pulling myself together enough to drive the several blocks home. Worst of all is, as I was sitting on the floor in the restroom, I couldn't think of a single person who I'd be comfortable calling up while I was such a mess. And I still have no birthday plans, other than hopefully being on the road to recovery.

http://www.kval.com/news/local/38141449.html
I can't stop re-reading it.