Something about emotions and feelings.
I don't like reading sad posts. It makes me feel bad, and I do it anyway because often they are written by people I love. But I don't like reading them. Often they are too much a jumble of emotion without enough perspective and reason. So, if you feel the same way, I will not feel even slightly hurt if you skip this post entirely, because while only part of it is sad, it is certainly a confused jumble of feelings.
So, Daniel and I decided to split Friday night. Maybe not forever, just take a break. The night was actually really perfect. We cooked an excellent Indian spicy chicken together and he gave me a gorgeous copy of Arabian nights (Nov. 29th was our 1001st day together). I want to state right at the front that there were/are no bad feelings (though some hurt was natural, it was of loss and not directed).
For the past few months we've been on a slow decline. We haven't had sex or done sexy things in months, but it tapered off slowly and neither of us really bothered to pick it up again. But I started noticing that he'd only say "I love you" if I said it first, and sometimes not even then, and he seemed reluctant to kiss me. I asked a little over a week ago if we were okay, and he expressed some concerns over how we never get to see each other, how our schedules are so different, how hard it is for a student and a non-student to relate their day-to-day experiences. A bit later he said we should probably revisit the question. We were not doing okay. I mean, we weren't fighting, we still adored each other, but the relationship didn't feel like a relationship any more. We agreed it would be healthy to take a break - an indefinite one. We'd take it slow and see how we felt later.
Daniel is in the middle of exam week, and so has had little to no time to think about and internalize the change. But I have been waiting on help for work before I can move further, and as such have had three days that seem excruciatingly empty. I don't know what to do with myself and my time, or who to do it with. I've spent every evening on third floor with Daniel and the crew (and here I'd like to emphasize the uncommon lack of awkwardness, in that we're perfectly natural hanging out together and hugging a greeting, even sharing food). But the fact is that I've been digesting this with no mental break for three days. I feel like I'm sprinting through the stages that come after a break up (even an ambiguous one). First the natural grief and sadness. Daniel and I had been dating for two and a half years, a pretty hefty chunk of my dating life and by far my longest and most serious relationship. I think if he asked me to marry him tonight I'd still say yes.
The next day came the realization that the hardest part about breaking up is the idea of "never again". Never Again would we make a meal together, Never Again would we stay up drawing, Never Again would we feel comfortable discussing the intimate details of our lives, etc. But that didn't necessarily have to be so. Our break was incredibly amicable - remarkably so. We're still best friends. When he has time again, we'll still be drawing together late into the night and showing each other internet articles and sharing books. 80% of our interactions would still be there, and still be just as fulfilling and comfortable. So I started feeling really okay with it. The other 20% was not really in attendance recently anyway, right? So it's not like things would change that much.
That night I realized I was loathe to go home. I could have found someone to warm my bed, but that is just not that appealing to me right now. I'm not excited about the "possibilities" involved with being single. One-night-stands are not attractive, and even friends with benefits is only slightly interesting. It's not like Daniel had been sleeping over often, I was well used to sleeping alone. It was just the idea of not having someone I was totally comfortable to come "home" to. I kinda broke down a little. It made the cold outside seem aggressive, and the night morbid.
I just feel like I'm still reeling. I feel like I've put months of thinking about and dealing with this in just three short days. I also feel guilty that I don't feel worse about it ending, considering how important Daniel is so me (hint: very). I have had a surprising amount of action and interest in the three days, but acting on it makes me feel like I'm betraying something (not Daniel, sort of like a really judgey version of myself). Also like so much as kissing someone else is moving too fast, even though I was allowed to kiss people when we were dating too. Another part of me is in the "woe, I'll never love again" mindset, though of course I will, and Daniel and I may even end up getting back together.
I'm just... a constant riot of emotions. In the last three days I haven't had an emotional break for more than a few minutes while I distract myself with games on my phone. I'm tired, and I keep rocking back in forth in my head. Do I still want to date him? I love him. But it wasn't working. But we're still best friends, and so comfortable, why not? Was it something I was doing or not doing? I don't want to get back together. I do. I miss him. No, I miss being in a relationship. No, I miss him. It has only been three days, it couldn't possibly be either. I'm mentally latching on to every passing fellow and lady, thinking about dateability, which is just nuts. Sex after so long is both exciting and scary, but mostly just off-putting. I have enough body issues that I want to be in a place where I'm really comfortable having sex without thinking about fat rolls, but I'm just not there yet. More set ups, fewer cookies.
Not to mention the fact that I feel like I'm failing at my job and should quit. Only the knowledge that they would be slightly inconvenienced by my absence, and the fact that their opinion of VISTA as a program is riding on my shoulders, is stopping me from just apologizing all over them and going home. Gordon is helping me out a little bit, but the fact of the matter is that my inexperience and timidity is wrecking me professionally and emotionally. They are hiring on a full-time position to work on my project in February, and depending on his/her suitability and how I develop between now and then, I may revisit the "quit from failure" plan. It is extremely stressful and almost entirely self inflicted. I've been using my adviser's lenience and lack of guidance as an excuse not to do anything, even basic things that I can absolutely handle like phone calls and mailings.
And on top of all of this is a crippling depression that hits me for about two weeks on, two weeks off and makes me think things like "God, I suck so much at _____, maybe I should just die." No actual death wish involved, but there is a lot of thinking about how much I am not good at things.
So. Those are my roiling, seething, tumultuous, and all around confused emotions. Now you know. Expressions of love are always nice, but don't actually make me feel better. I know I'm loved, it's because I have superb friends who are better than other people's friends. I have never doubted that I'm loved, thank goodness - just that I'm competent/useful/etc.
P.S. I cut my hair again (a thing I do when I break up, I guess?) and now look like
(Do you like my excellent myspace pose?)
So, Daniel and I decided to split Friday night. Maybe not forever, just take a break. The night was actually really perfect. We cooked an excellent Indian spicy chicken together and he gave me a gorgeous copy of Arabian nights (Nov. 29th was our 1001st day together). I want to state right at the front that there were/are no bad feelings (though some hurt was natural, it was of loss and not directed).
For the past few months we've been on a slow decline. We haven't had sex or done sexy things in months, but it tapered off slowly and neither of us really bothered to pick it up again. But I started noticing that he'd only say "I love you" if I said it first, and sometimes not even then, and he seemed reluctant to kiss me. I asked a little over a week ago if we were okay, and he expressed some concerns over how we never get to see each other, how our schedules are so different, how hard it is for a student and a non-student to relate their day-to-day experiences. A bit later he said we should probably revisit the question. We were not doing okay. I mean, we weren't fighting, we still adored each other, but the relationship didn't feel like a relationship any more. We agreed it would be healthy to take a break - an indefinite one. We'd take it slow and see how we felt later.
Daniel is in the middle of exam week, and so has had little to no time to think about and internalize the change. But I have been waiting on help for work before I can move further, and as such have had three days that seem excruciatingly empty. I don't know what to do with myself and my time, or who to do it with. I've spent every evening on third floor with Daniel and the crew (and here I'd like to emphasize the uncommon lack of awkwardness, in that we're perfectly natural hanging out together and hugging a greeting, even sharing food). But the fact is that I've been digesting this with no mental break for three days. I feel like I'm sprinting through the stages that come after a break up (even an ambiguous one). First the natural grief and sadness. Daniel and I had been dating for two and a half years, a pretty hefty chunk of my dating life and by far my longest and most serious relationship. I think if he asked me to marry him tonight I'd still say yes.
The next day came the realization that the hardest part about breaking up is the idea of "never again". Never Again would we make a meal together, Never Again would we stay up drawing, Never Again would we feel comfortable discussing the intimate details of our lives, etc. But that didn't necessarily have to be so. Our break was incredibly amicable - remarkably so. We're still best friends. When he has time again, we'll still be drawing together late into the night and showing each other internet articles and sharing books. 80% of our interactions would still be there, and still be just as fulfilling and comfortable. So I started feeling really okay with it. The other 20% was not really in attendance recently anyway, right? So it's not like things would change that much.
That night I realized I was loathe to go home. I could have found someone to warm my bed, but that is just not that appealing to me right now. I'm not excited about the "possibilities" involved with being single. One-night-stands are not attractive, and even friends with benefits is only slightly interesting. It's not like Daniel had been sleeping over often, I was well used to sleeping alone. It was just the idea of not having someone I was totally comfortable to come "home" to. I kinda broke down a little. It made the cold outside seem aggressive, and the night morbid.
I just feel like I'm still reeling. I feel like I've put months of thinking about and dealing with this in just three short days. I also feel guilty that I don't feel worse about it ending, considering how important Daniel is so me (hint: very). I have had a surprising amount of action and interest in the three days, but acting on it makes me feel like I'm betraying something (not Daniel, sort of like a really judgey version of myself). Also like so much as kissing someone else is moving too fast, even though I was allowed to kiss people when we were dating too. Another part of me is in the "woe, I'll never love again" mindset, though of course I will, and Daniel and I may even end up getting back together.
I'm just... a constant riot of emotions. In the last three days I haven't had an emotional break for more than a few minutes while I distract myself with games on my phone. I'm tired, and I keep rocking back in forth in my head. Do I still want to date him? I love him. But it wasn't working. But we're still best friends, and so comfortable, why not? Was it something I was doing or not doing? I don't want to get back together. I do. I miss him. No, I miss being in a relationship. No, I miss him. It has only been three days, it couldn't possibly be either. I'm mentally latching on to every passing fellow and lady, thinking about dateability, which is just nuts. Sex after so long is both exciting and scary, but mostly just off-putting. I have enough body issues that I want to be in a place where I'm really comfortable having sex without thinking about fat rolls, but I'm just not there yet. More set ups, fewer cookies.
Not to mention the fact that I feel like I'm failing at my job and should quit. Only the knowledge that they would be slightly inconvenienced by my absence, and the fact that their opinion of VISTA as a program is riding on my shoulders, is stopping me from just apologizing all over them and going home. Gordon is helping me out a little bit, but the fact of the matter is that my inexperience and timidity is wrecking me professionally and emotionally. They are hiring on a full-time position to work on my project in February, and depending on his/her suitability and how I develop between now and then, I may revisit the "quit from failure" plan. It is extremely stressful and almost entirely self inflicted. I've been using my adviser's lenience and lack of guidance as an excuse not to do anything, even basic things that I can absolutely handle like phone calls and mailings.
And on top of all of this is a crippling depression that hits me for about two weeks on, two weeks off and makes me think things like "God, I suck so much at _____, maybe I should just die." No actual death wish involved, but there is a lot of thinking about how much I am not good at things.
So. Those are my roiling, seething, tumultuous, and all around confused emotions. Now you know. Expressions of love are always nice, but don't actually make me feel better. I know I'm loved, it's because I have superb friends who are better than other people's friends. I have never doubted that I'm loved, thank goodness - just that I'm competent/useful/etc.
P.S. I cut my hair again (a thing I do when I break up, I guess?) and now look like
(Do you like my excellent myspace pose?)