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So, there are these guys and I am being put in a situation where I need to decide what is right for me. What if i take the wrong step? what if its not the right thing. I end up loosing and hurting people and those are the worst to deal with. I feel like, i need to make a clear cut honest decision. however, i feel that, who I am is riding really freaking high on this decision.
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I want to be in the next few months and honest to god, i dont really know. I have given myself to the end of this year to really just find who I am and what I want to be/do and do it.
committed/ relationship/ broken / no bitter/ happy/ let it be
I get attached easily. To anything and everything. I can hide it easy though and i have definitely learned to move past that. It's nice to be attached. I feel like, I had people come and go abnormally more than most people did when i was younger so it was hard for me and i started to feel that if i could attach to something it wouldn't leave me. I am a silly girl I know that. People are mostly fickle. Even an ideal situation will someday crumble. That is a defense. That is what scares me about committing to something or someone. It's a beautiful thing to have that. I understand that. My heart can only take so much I feel. I have always told people that one day I will change. I made that up because you hear that places. Movies, books, things with happy endings.
I want a happy ending. I want to be a happy married person with my kids and my husband and take long walks on the beach and walk our dog. That is something you see in the movies and so I cannot tell if thats what i really want. Isnt that confusing? So, I want to just have someone there for me at all times and not have to doubt if i had done something wrong. I know that there is always that but I don't know if i have 100% from friends/family members. Trust is an issue I guess. I cannot trust that they will be there for me when I need them the most. I have the bestest of friends and the bestest of family but they have a life that is not 100% Tara. So, I am definitely not saying that it is there fault they cant be. I know my partner is going to have a life other than me as well. I definitely HOPE they do. I want someone who can be their self at all times. That means that they can find it in them to leave me to watch sports, do things they always done with their boys. EXCEPT VIDEO GAMES! SSORRRYYY! Whatever it is. I want to say I am a jealous person but I think it might just be more so a matter of knowing how to spend your time. I want to be 100% committed to him but be able to be committed to the things that make me Tara. But, what I am getting at is, I need to know you are coming home to me. I want to be in the relationship that gives support. Support. You don't really hear that much. This is getting so random.
Now I am getting distracted with these artsy. I don't want this to be artsy.This is not artsy. This is raw.
So, i need to be an equal. I want someone who can accept that I am independent. I think its absolutely adorable for you to hold doors, open doors, pay for things, but! I don't need that all the time. That makes me feel completely useless and uncomfortable. Growing up independent, i can do 99% of things on my own. Therefor, when i am unable to do them i dont like it. Even if you are just trying to be helpful.That's cute.
So, do I want to be with someone who has already domesticated themselves? Do I want to settle down? Am I that girl? Am I ever going to be? I feel like I could.
Or do i want to be the full girl. The single girl who can just be there to flirt around whenever. I dont know. Honestly, I have always been the single girl. This upcoming year, i really need to start getting things together.
I want to start school. GMAI FINALLY fucking started taking financial aid, so maybe i can go there again. Get a cute lil apt in seattle with my dog. I also don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life. I am good without that. I want to go to clover park and just rock the shit out of it. I hear they have a great program. I knew someone who went there. They make you take other classes so not only do you come out with a certificate but also an AA. I totally see myself there. The fact that it's only a little over a year course makes it SO easy to put it off. I don't want to put it off anymore. The things I want to see this next year...
I want to loose weight. I want to get down to a size i feel comfortable. I am not getting into this anymore yet but thats what I will say.
I want to love so strong. I really want to be in something committed. This would be quite amazing too me. This would be a true fear i have overcome. that would mean i trusted someone to let them in. You don't see that ever from me and i really think i want to make a change. I don't want to be so fucked up and guarded. I mean, i am this way by choice because I have to be. But, I am hopefully that will all change. I don't want to be that person anymore.
I want to start school by winter quarter..even if its only taking my extra classes. Like business, English and psychology.
I want to live in a house with my dog. :)
I want to travel the country
I want to live in a new state.
I want to buy a new car by my birthday next year.
Those really arent to crazy are they? I just think that those are normal adult things right?
I just said " I am 23" on Thursday, and my heart sank. That just sounds so freaking weird to me.
To be honest with you, I am not having one of those ' i just turned __ and i havent done this or this isnt where i want to be' moments. That is not what this is. I am also not confused about who I am.I know who I am. I luckily, never really went through an identity crisis, I have always known who I was. These are just goals and ideas i need to work out. I really cannot explain this more than that.
I have been faced with a couple opportunities recently. These are 1 of 2 things.
Admit to liking someone and opening up and letting things go that way. Or just to date around with a couple people just for the hell of it.
I know if I let them, things are going to get pretty serious. I don't know. I should be ready. I want to be ready. I am letting things happen :) This is kind of where this one is going to leave off for now. So, let's see how I am doing a few weeks from now.
I am progressing. Can you ask for more?
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I want to be in the next few months and honest to god, i dont really know. I have given myself to the end of this year to really just find who I am and what I want to be/do and do it.
committed/ relationship/ broken / no bitter/ happy/ let it be
I get attached easily. To anything and everything. I can hide it easy though and i have definitely learned to move past that. It's nice to be attached. I feel like, I had people come and go abnormally more than most people did when i was younger so it was hard for me and i started to feel that if i could attach to something it wouldn't leave me. I am a silly girl I know that. People are mostly fickle. Even an ideal situation will someday crumble. That is a defense. That is what scares me about committing to something or someone. It's a beautiful thing to have that. I understand that. My heart can only take so much I feel. I have always told people that one day I will change. I made that up because you hear that places. Movies, books, things with happy endings.
I want a happy ending. I want to be a happy married person with my kids and my husband and take long walks on the beach and walk our dog. That is something you see in the movies and so I cannot tell if thats what i really want. Isnt that confusing? So, I want to just have someone there for me at all times and not have to doubt if i had done something wrong. I know that there is always that but I don't know if i have 100% from friends/family members. Trust is an issue I guess. I cannot trust that they will be there for me when I need them the most. I have the bestest of friends and the bestest of family but they have a life that is not 100% Tara. So, I am definitely not saying that it is there fault they cant be. I know my partner is going to have a life other than me as well. I definitely HOPE they do. I want someone who can be their self at all times. That means that they can find it in them to leave me to watch sports, do things they always done with their boys. EXCEPT VIDEO GAMES! SSORRRYYY! Whatever it is. I want to say I am a jealous person but I think it might just be more so a matter of knowing how to spend your time. I want to be 100% committed to him but be able to be committed to the things that make me Tara. But, what I am getting at is, I need to know you are coming home to me. I want to be in the relationship that gives support. Support. You don't really hear that much. This is getting so random.
Now I am getting distracted with these artsy. I don't want this to be artsy.This is not artsy. This is raw.
So, i need to be an equal. I want someone who can accept that I am independent. I think its absolutely adorable for you to hold doors, open doors, pay for things, but! I don't need that all the time. That makes me feel completely useless and uncomfortable. Growing up independent, i can do 99% of things on my own. Therefor, when i am unable to do them i dont like it. Even if you are just trying to be helpful.That's cute.
So, do I want to be with someone who has already domesticated themselves? Do I want to settle down? Am I that girl? Am I ever going to be? I feel like I could.
Or do i want to be the full girl. The single girl who can just be there to flirt around whenever. I dont know. Honestly, I have always been the single girl. This upcoming year, i really need to start getting things together.
I want to start school. GMAI FINALLY fucking started taking financial aid, so maybe i can go there again. Get a cute lil apt in seattle with my dog. I also don't want to be in debt for the rest of my life. I am good without that. I want to go to clover park and just rock the shit out of it. I hear they have a great program. I knew someone who went there. They make you take other classes so not only do you come out with a certificate but also an AA. I totally see myself there. The fact that it's only a little over a year course makes it SO easy to put it off. I don't want to put it off anymore. The things I want to see this next year...
I want to loose weight. I want to get down to a size i feel comfortable. I am not getting into this anymore yet but thats what I will say.
I want to love so strong. I really want to be in something committed. This would be quite amazing too me. This would be a true fear i have overcome. that would mean i trusted someone to let them in. You don't see that ever from me and i really think i want to make a change. I don't want to be so fucked up and guarded. I mean, i am this way by choice because I have to be. But, I am hopefully that will all change. I don't want to be that person anymore.
I want to start school by winter quarter..even if its only taking my extra classes. Like business, English and psychology.
I want to live in a house with my dog. :)
I want to travel the country
I want to live in a new state.
I want to buy a new car by my birthday next year.
Those really arent to crazy are they? I just think that those are normal adult things right?
I just said " I am 23" on Thursday, and my heart sank. That just sounds so freaking weird to me.
To be honest with you, I am not having one of those ' i just turned __ and i havent done this or this isnt where i want to be' moments. That is not what this is. I am also not confused about who I am.I know who I am. I luckily, never really went through an identity crisis, I have always known who I was. These are just goals and ideas i need to work out. I really cannot explain this more than that.
I have been faced with a couple opportunities recently. These are 1 of 2 things.
Admit to liking someone and opening up and letting things go that way. Or just to date around with a couple people just for the hell of it.
I know if I let them, things are going to get pretty serious. I don't know. I should be ready. I want to be ready. I am letting things happen :) This is kind of where this one is going to leave off for now. So, let's see how I am doing a few weeks from now.
I am progressing. Can you ask for more?